犯罪现场清理员（2021）

What do you do next then? Because that is a dead end.
是吗？
Oh really?
你要进入卧式雪柜里
You get inside the chest freezer.
是吗？
That's it?
这就是你的伟大计划？躲进雪柜？
That's your great plan, get into a freezer?
是的
Yeah.
那些没有在运转
They're not functional.
绝对安全
It's perfectly safe.
盖子打开，侧滚进去
Lift up, barrel roll in.
他们轻易就能找到你的
They'll find you easily.
怎么找？请告诉我
How? Do tell.
他们会把所有雪柜的盖子都掀开
By lifting all the lids of the freezers
直到他们找到你躲的雪柜，傻瓜
until you find the one you were in you daft knob.
错了
Wrong.
你这是假设他能理性思考
You're presuming that he's thinking logically.
他现在慌了，他认为你跑掉了，对吧？
He's panicking now, he thinks he's lost you right?
他最多检查两个雪柜就会离开
He's checking a maximum of two freezers before he leaves.
这里有12个雪柜
There are 12 freezers here,
这让你有83%的生存机会
that leaves you an 83% chance of survival.
我认为多莉会选择这个概率 你不这么认为吗？
I think Dolly would've taken those odds, don't you?
你这个傻瓜
You daft knob.
好吧，我想我们永远不会知道
Well I guess we'll never know.
他们在听
They're listening.
你要它干什么？
What did you want it for?
要什么？
Want what for?
死掉的女孩的名牌
The dead girls name badge.
为了一个计划
For a project.
它们通常一包有五个，但我只需要一个
They normally come five in a pack but I just needed the one.
啊，所以你是节俭的守财奴？
Ah, so it's thrift is it scrooge?
所以在你们看来
So not being wasteful
不浪费东西就是守财奴？
makes me Ebeneezer Scrooge to you people does it?
哦不…我说的是托尼史古基
Oh no, no, no, I'm talking about Tony Scrooge,
他在白马酒吧喝酒
who drinks down the White Horse.
他会为了免费啤酒出♥卖♥♥♥他的祖母
He'd rat his nan out for a free pint.
跟你说，她很难搞
Mind you, she's a piece of work,
她因为把一只警犬踢到车♥库♥屋顶上 被关进监狱
she went down for kicking a police dog onto a garage roof.
好吧，或许托尼史古基的情况不同
Well maybe Tony Scrooge has different circumstances.
他也在夜班上架货物赚取最低工资？
Does he also stack shelves at night for minimum wage?
哦，朋友，我不是这个意思
Oh mate I didn't mean to.
没关系，我很习惯被人轻视
No that's alright, I'm used to being talked down to.
但这种情形不会持续多久
But not for much longer.
改变即将到来
The change is coming.
什么？
Hey?
你很快就会看到
You'll soon see.
你有想过从事儿童娱乐的工作吗？
You ever thought about a career in childrens entertainment?
你有想过和羊群一起生活吗？
You ever thought about living in a pen with the rest of the sheep?
这只是个开始
This is just the beginning.
光明会或共济会？
情况还会变得更糟，非常糟
It's about to get a lot worse, a lot worse.
恐慌会让人做出不合逻辑的举动
Panic makes people illogical.
改变即将到来
The change is coming.
你很快就会看到
You'll soon see.
你这个傻瓜
You daft knob.
凯，本月最佳员工
哦
Oh.
休战
Truce.
迷你批
Mini pie.
我待会再吃
I'll save it.
为了你的计划？
For your project?
对
Yeah.
哦，看看这个，我一直很想要一台
Oh look at that. I've always wanted one of these.
我早上没喝咖啡就动不了
I can't walk until I've had my coffee in the morning,
就像电影《阿甘正传》中的丹中尉
I'm like Lieutenant Dan from Forrest Gump.
你知道的，除夕夜他在地板上
You know, when he's dragging himself across the floor
爬的时候
on New Years Eve.
其实蛮令人心碎的
It's heartbreaking actually.
真正展现了这些人的牺牲奉献
Really brings home the sacrifice of those guys.
总之我喜欢咖啡
Anyway I love coffee.
嗯，人体依赖加工过的刺♥激♥剂
Yes the human body is reliant on processed stimulants, baa.
我的天啊，这个要一千两百英镑
Oh my god. It's 1200 quid.
是啊，叫他们付多少他们就付多少
Yes, so they pay what they're told to pay.
它能做什么？
What does it do?
它让众人得到宝贵的灵丹妙药
It makes the masses their precious elixir.
你能想到一个更没价值的消费品吗？
Can you name a more worthless piece of consumerism?
猫的手提包
Handbag for a cat.
什么？
What?
我朋友维索说，人类成就的极致就是
My mate Weasel says that the zenith of human achievement's gonna be
这些东西能执行它们的主要功能
when things like this can do their primary function,
也能满足你的欲望
but they can also pleasure you.
如何满足？
Pleasure how?
我不知道
I don't know.
他说了什么在前面加一个
He said something about fitting a rubber cow
橡胶挤奶器，就像这样
to the front of it so it would be something like,
像这样
something like this.
这个其实还不错，它有扶手所以很好上
This one's quite good actually it's got rails so you can hit.
住手，不要
Stop. No.
我知道，这很疯狂
I know, it's mad isn't it.
我对他说，维索
I said to him, Weasel,
你不能和咖啡机和多士炉做♥爱♥
you can't bang coffee machines
天啊，它们很热是有原因的
and toasters for gods sake, they're hot for a reason.
天啊，我就知道 人们和无生命的物体通奸
God, I knew it, people fornicating with inanimate objects.
任何东西都可以麻痹大众
Anything to anaesthetize the populous.
我们生活在一个反乌托邦中
We are living in a dystopia.
你的朋友可能是一位先知
Your friend may be a prophet.
维索？哦，不，他疯了，而且没工作
Weasel? Oh no he's bonkers, and unemployable.
嗯，是的，我们多么迅速
Mm, yes, how quick we are to pigeonhole those
就将持有不同观点的人归类
with different views.
你现在听起来很像他，朋友
You're starting to sound like him now mate.
你得小心点
You wanna be careful.
他告诉我他不想接种新冠疫苗
He told me he's not having the Covid jab
因为他想控制进入他体内的东西
because he wants to control what goes into his body.
想知道进到他体内的是什么吗？
Wanna know know what goes into his body?
只有啤酒和烟肉
Beer and bacon and nothing else.
嗯，至少你能理解这一切多没意义
Well, at least you can understand the worthlessness of it all.
你知道的，虚无主义是我…
You know nihilism is a concept that I've...
哦，我走运了，无人机
Ooh jackpot, drone.
我一直也很想要一台这种东西
I've always wanted one of these too.
嗯，真讽刺，为什么？
Mm, the irony, why?
它会飞
It flies.
我们拿去外面玩吧
Let's go and play with this outside.
我认为你应该多注意一下你朋友，维索
I think you should pay more attention to your friend, Weasel.
他都知道
He knows.
朋友，他在篝火之夜上用胶带 把他的手♥机♥粘在烟火上
Mate, he ducted tape his phone to a rocket on bonfire night.
为什么？
Why?
因为他想证明地球是平的
Because he wanted to prove the Earth was flat,
结果他证明了如果你把手♥机♥粘在烟火上
what he proved is insurance companies
保险公♥司♥不会理赔
don't pay out if you tape your phone to a firework.
好吧，那你能证明 地球不是平的，对吗？
Mm, okay, and you, you can prove that it isn't flat can you huh?
清洁工
Cleaner man.
是的，地平说支持者，打勾
Yep, flat earther, tick.
我是犯罪现场清洁师
I'm a crime scene cleaner.
这里没人需要中弹
No-one here needed to get shot.
朋友，我得继续了
Mate, I need to get on.
我想我们已经很清楚彼此没有共同立场
I think we've established a complete lack of common ground.
这栋建筑物里没人需要中弹
No-one in this building needed to get shot.
是吗？谁告诉你的？
Yeah? Who told you that?
皇室的蜥蜴？
The lizards from the royal family?
继续套我的话啊，这是羊喜欢做的事情
Go ahead, snare, it's what the sheep like to do.
捕羊人
Sheep snarer.
这是文字游戏，继续说
It's a play on words, go on.
我会先做好准备
I would've been prepared.
朋友，两名歹徒抢劫你的商店 你要怎么先做好准备？