犯罪现场清理员（2021）

你好吗？
Alright?
你是清洁工吗？
You the cleaner?
不，我是比尔克♥林♥顿♥
No, I'm Bill Clinton.
好吧，有人叫我来等清洁工
Alright. I've been told to wait for The Cleaner.
我就是清洁工
I am The Cleaner.
发生丑闻之后，我需要找点事来做
I needed a hobby after the scandal.
我要去哪里？
Where do I go?
太棒了
Lovely.
小丑
小心头
Mind your head.
太好了
Ah, right.
相当混乱，对吧？
Quite a mess, isn't it?
欢迎你来，我是阿巴哈辛先生
Welcome. I am Mr. Abahassine.
你好，到底发生了什么事？
Hello. What the hell happened?
恐怕是一场相当大且失控的打群架
Rather a large and out of control crowd fight, I fear.
打群架？在舞台剧中？
A crowd fight? At a play?
那是什么舞台剧？《洛奇》吗？
What was the play, was it ... Rocky?
《洛奇》是舞台剧吗？
Was that a play first?
你知道，我刚刚发现 我甚至讲不出一部舞台剧的名字
Do you know, I've just realised I don't know the name of one play.
要是大家看的是舞台剧就好了
Would that it was a play that they were watching.
天啊
Dear fellow.
《驴子男孩》
脱衣舞男？
Strippers?
脱衣舞男在剧院里做什么？
Well, what are strippers doing at the theatre?
我必须做该做的事
One does what one must,
好让剧院活下去
in order to ensure the survival of the theatre.
莎莲娜？
Selina?
莎莲娜，快去启动咖啡机
Selina, run and turn on the espresso machine.
我们的朋友肯定口渴了
Our friend here must be parched.
什么机？
The wha?
昨天烫到你手指的那台嘶嘶叫的蒸汽机
The hissy steamy machine that you burnt your finger on, yesterday.
好痛
Killed.
在这么偏僻的地方，很难找到员工
Hard to find the staff out here, in the sticks.
是啊，我不是要批评，但她好像…很糟
Yes. I'm not one to judge, but she does seem to be ... a miserable shit.
我不认为她对剧院有热情
I don't think she's yet developed her passion for the theatre,
或者对任何事有热情
or for anything else, at all.
我们无法知道自己在 这幅伟大的生命织锦中的位置
We cannot know what our place is in this great tapestry of life.
说得太对了，我在她的年纪时 我以为我会成为功夫大♥师♥
So true. When I was her age, I, I thought I'd be a kung fu master.
我们最终都会找到自己的位置
We all find our place, eventually.
对，可是据我所知 我还没放弃成为功夫大♥师♥
Yeah. Fine. But, for the record, I still intend to be a kung fu master.
尽力而为，做你自己
Do what you can, being who you are.
如果你不能成为天上的星 就像萤火虫一样闪耀吧
Shine like a glow-worm, if you can't be a star.
啊，我喜欢你这么说，没错
Ah. Well, I like that! Oh, yeah.
这会给我灵感去清理…
That'll give me inspiration to clean up...
你说这里发生了什么事，打斗？
what did you say happened here, a fight?
我想《驴子男孩》太快就把场子炒热了
I think the Donkey Boyz brought up the temperature too soon.
过了10分钟 有40个女人打起了群架
Ten minutes in, we had a 40 woman brawl.
哇
Well.
剧院可能不是宣布这件事的好地方
The theatre is probably the wrong place to announce this,
但那让我有点兴奋
but, that rather turns me on.
-我不打扰你了 -好
-I'll leave you to it. -Yes.
《驴子男孩》，取消演出
什么？真是够了
What? Ah, come on!
老天爷啊！
Jesus Christ!
太棒了，再一次
Bravo. Encore!
什么？
Hello?
跌得太棒了，你真厉害
The perfect fall. What a gift.
你哪位？
Who are you?
我哪位？
Who am I?
我是斯特拉扎莫
I am Strazzamo.
谁？
Who?
我今晚要在这里表演
Oh, I'm performing here tonight,
不过你什么时候上台？
but listen, what time are you on?
我很想看整场表演
I'd love to see the whole show.
什么？帮我一把 我被困在驴子的老二下面了
What? Help me. I'm trapped under a donkey dick.
时机太完美了
The timing was perfection.
撞击声穿过我，着地的方式简直太怪了
The sound of impact went through me, the landing almost grotesque.
我以为你真的受伤了
I thought you had genuinely hurt yourself.
我是真的受伤了
I have genuinely hurt myself.
你不是故意摔倒？
It wasn't a deliberate fall?
好，我再说一遍
Okay, I'm gonna say it again.
我真的受伤了，而且我被卡在老二下面
I've genuinely hurt myself, and I'm stuck under a dick.
但是，你穿了戏服
But, your costume.
这个打扮很经典
And the look is iconic.
这不是戏服，我不是小丑！
It's not a costume. I'm not a clown!
那你是谁？
Who are you?
我来这里打扫的
I'm here to clean.
我想你会希望我来打扫的
I presume you'd like me to clean,
还是你宁愿让你的观众 坐在准新娘聚会的汁液里？
or would you prefer your audience to be sitting in hen party juice?
我说汁液，其实指的是血
And, by juice, I mean blood.
还有尿
And, piss!
你只是个清洁工？
You're just a cleaner?
我是犯罪现场清洁师
I am a crime scene cleaner.
你浪费了大好的天赋
What a waste of such natural attributes.
你异常地高，胖得很好笑
Freakishly tall. Hilariously fat.
你再戳我一下 你就不需要那个红鼻子了
You poke me again, you won't need that red nose.
实际上，鼻子更像是个象征
Actually, the ... nose is more of a symbol.
这是我和观众之间的一种隐性契约
It's sort of an implicit contract between me and the audience --
我是在威胁你
I'm threatening you!
啊，你太会威胁了
Ah, that's really good.
我都起鸡皮疙瘩了，真可怕
Gave me chills. Really scary.
你要把这个放哪？
Where do you want this?
那是意式浓缩咖啡吗？
Is that an espresso?
太棒了
Delightful.
我也可以来一杯吗？
Could I, could I have one too,
但你可以用肯雅咖啡豆吗？
but you could make sure it's the Kenyan bean,
不要用意大利的
as opposed to the Italian?
中♥央♥剧场
你穿的是犯罪…
Now, this is a sock ...?
犯罪现场调查装，没错，犯罪现场
SOCO suit, yeah. Scene Of Crime.
真厉害
It's wonderful.
我可以用这套服装来做点什么 一些苏联时代的东西
I can really do something with it, something Soviet era.
斯特拉扎莫在冷战背景下
Strazzamo takes on the extinction of humanity,
与苏维埃俄♥罗♥斯♥一起承担了人类的灭绝
against the backdrop of the Cold War, with Soviet Russia.
嘿…这让我想起了 那个笑话，你记得吗？
Hey. Hey, yo, it reminds me of that joke, do you remember that?
你怎么叫一个有三颗睾丸的俄♥罗♥斯♥人？
What, what do you call a Russian with three balls?
什么？
What?
一个有三颗睾丸的俄♥罗♥斯♥人 你会怎么叫他？
A Russian with three balls, what do you call him?
我不知道，而且我不确定我想知道
I don't know, and I'm not sure I want to know.
你一定想知道…
You do.
抱歉，“你偷了谁的睾丸？”
Sorry. Who'd you nick your bollock off?
你可以把这个笑话用在表演上
You can use that in your show.
什么？
What?
“尼托勒什德科夫”
Oo-junik- yabalak-ov.
不，我刚才就听懂了，谢谢
No, I heard you the first time. Thank you.
他说你可以免费喝这一杯
He says you can have this one for free,
但你如果要喝第二杯就要付钱
but you'll have to pay for the others.
谢谢
Bless you.
是啊，就跟我的笑话一样 嘿，你会喜欢这个笑话的
Yeah, just like my jokes. Hey, you'll like this.
什么？
Eh?
你怎么叫一个有三颗睾丸的俄♥罗♥斯♥人？
What do you call a Russian with three balls?
她不会知道的，她太年轻了
She won't know it, she's too young.
她听得懂啦，这很有名
Yeah, she will, it's famous.
她1985年还在操场上玩呢
In the playground, in 1985.
“你偷了谁的睾丸？”
Who'd you nick your bollock off?
什么？
Wha?
太扯了
Nonsense.
难搞的观众
Tough crowd.
不对
Nope.
粉红色贵妇狗，真有创意
Pink poodle. So original.
你好啊，拍档，这要用在哪一段表演？
Howdy, partner. What part of the show's this?
哪都不用
It isn't.