犯罪现场清理员（2021）

警♥察♥
警♥察♥
你要做好心理准备
You should prepare yourself.
在哪
Where is it?
我跟他说过...
I told him what to expect...
带路
Just show me.
该死的 露丝
Bloody hell, Ruth!
这要花很长时间
This is going to take ages!
我跟你上司说过现场很难清理
I told your boss it was a bad one.
现在是3点 我本来应该在...
It's 3.00! I'm supposed to be...
咖喱之夜 我跟他们说过"他不会喜欢的"
Curry night. I told them, "He won't like this.
"今晚是白马店的咖喱之夜"
"It's curry night at the White Horse."
到处都是血
It's on everything!
看 窗帘上 钟上
Look, it's on curtains, bloody clock!
谁会在厨房♥放白地毯
Who puts a white rug in a kitchen?
两人曾是拉斯维加斯最著名的魔术师组合之一
罗伊在2003年遭白虎袭击受伤
齐格弗里德是在罗伊死后搬来这住了吗
Did Siegfried move here after Roy died?
-天啊 发生什么事了 -一个女人杀了她丈夫
- Jesus! What happened? - A woman killed her husband.
用什么杀的 多功能收割机吗
What with, a combine harvester?
-用刀刺了38次 -为什么
- Stabbed him 38 times. - Why?
为了气死我吗
To piss me off?
杀一个人只需要刺五刀
You only need five stabs.
其他的手法都是为了卖♥♥弄
Anything else is showboating.
你能搞定的 你有大把时间
Oh, you'll be all right, you've got ages!
我是个清理员
I'm a cleaner.
又不是上帝
I'm not Jesus.
印度烤饼在7点出炉 很快就会变得不新鲜
The naans come out at 7.00, and they go stale very quickly.
我最晚要在6:30坐在餐桌边
I need to be sat down by 6.30 at the latest.
那不就得了 三个小时
Well, there you go, three hours.
而且我一会就过去了
And I'm up there later.
我会让默文给你留点英式印度咖喱
I'll get Mervin to keep you a jalfrezi.
你觉得这里三个小时就能清理完
Do you think this is a three-hour job?
我还没有看
I've not looked yet,
但我敢打赌 天花板上也一定有血
but I'd be willing to bet there's blood on the ceiling.
-没错 你看 -还有
- Yep! Hello! - Oh, and also...
模型也需要清理
..the models need doing.
很显然 那些是死者的乐趣和骄傲
They were his pride and joy, apparently.
为什么 他都死了
Why? He's dead!
谁还会在乎 谋杀了他的老婆吗
Who's going to care? His wife who murdered him?
还是说我是为鬼干活
Or am I being thorough for a ghost?
你那么暴躁
You're just grumpy
是因为和文身熟♥女♥约好了吧
cos you're on a promise from the tattooed milf.
不 才不是
No, I'm not.
她会等你的 不管你到得有多迟
She'll be waiting for you, no matter how late you get there.
-我不会再跟她约会了 -为什么
- I'm not seeing her any more. - Aw. Why not?
大概是因为我意识到
I think it was cos I realised
所有人都称她为"文身熟♥女♥"
that everybody calls her "the tattooed milf"
就连她妈妈也是
even her own mother.
她其实没有那么多文身
She doesn't even have that many tattoos.
你还没见过她后背呢 朋友
You haven't seen her back, mate.
上面是各种锚和海怪
It's all anchors and sea monsters.
我就跟在藏宝图上♥床♥一样 天啊
It's like shagging a treasure map. Ohh, God!
她还把血弄到盆栽上了
She's even got it on the pot plants!
祝你好运了 清洁员先生
Oh, well, good luck, Mr Mop.
迟点见 希望你能来
See you later...hopefully.
行吧
All right.
好的 维基
Right, Wicky.
想想咖喱
Think curry.
想想美味的咖喱
Just think delicious curry.
犯罪清理员
第一季 第一集
劳森清洁服务
你好 警♥察♥先生
Hello? Mr Policeman?
我是友好的邻居
It's the friendly neighbour!
你好
Hello.
寡妇
你感觉怎么样
How are you feeling?
我有点震惊 但我没事
Yeah, I'm a little shaken, but I'll live.
说实话 你就跟我儿子一样
Honestly, you're just like my boy,
跑来跑去 制♥造♥混乱
running around, causing chaos.
我跟你说老实话吧
To be honest with you,
我还挺高兴自己能踢那么高的
I was pretty pleased that I kicked that high.
你们男孩子就喜欢空手道
You boys and your karate!
我最好继续干活
Well, I'd better get on.
好的 亲爱的 我只是在等我的信
Yes, dear. I'm just waiting for my letter.
你的什么
Your...?
就像我老跟儿子说的那样
Well, as I say to my boy,
没有道歉信的道歉算什么
what's an apology without a letter?
就像是风中的打嗝声罢了
It's like a burp in the wind, huh?
你想我给你写一封道歉信
You want me to write you an apology letter?
馅饼不是自己从我手上踢飞的 不是吗
The pie didn't kick itself out of my hands now, did it, dear?
行吧
Why not?
我一点也不吃惊 贝灵翰姆太太杀了人
Well, it came as no surprise to me that Mrs Bellingham did this.
永远不要信任一个不烘焙的女人
Never trust a woman who doesn't bake.
我过去常常在周二拿馅饼来
I used to bring a pie round every Tuesday
送给可怜的贝灵翰姆先生
for poor Mr Bellingham.
现在 看看
And now, look.
不是所有女人都会烘焙 对吧
Not all women bake, though, do they?
我那一代 所有的女人都会
All women of my generation do.
我们被反复灌输这个观点
It was drummed into us
而且如果她不烘焙 那她在做什么
and if she's not baking, what is she doing?
我想她喜欢其他事情吧
I guess she's into other things.
和爱人及同伙伊恩·布雷迪凶杀中杀害4名儿童而获刑
正是迈拉·希德莉所说的
Exactly what Myra Hindley said.
所以 你一定就是警♥察♥了 好激动啊
So...you must be a policeman. How exciting.
不 我是来清洁的 所以
No, I'm here to clean up, so...
你是个清洁员 我是怎么说的
You're a cleaner? What did I tell you?
这个世界真是男女颠倒了
The world is upside down!
我可是犯罪现场清洁员
Crime scene cleaner.
这个活需要女人来做
It needs a woman's touch.
给我把拖把 我来吧
Now, get me a mop, and I'll do it.
-说出一种污渍 -什么
- Name a stain! - Pardon?
说出一种难以清理的污渍
Name a stain that's impossible to get out.
亚麻布上的甜菜根水
Beetroot on linen.
-用果胶酶 -什么
- Pectinase. - What?
这是一种用来瓦解果胶的酶
It's an enzyme which breaks down pectin,
在植物细胞壁上发现的一种多聚糖
a polysaccharide found in plant cell walls.
使用时结合过氧化氢
Used in conjunction with hydrogen peroxide
和一把微纤维刷
and a microfibre brush,
我就能把甜菜根水从任何东西上清洁掉
I can get beetroot out of anything.
你知道为什么吗
And you know why?
因为我可是有证书的犯罪现场清理员
Because I am a qualified crime scene cleaner.
我能把白色羊毛毯上干血渍清洁掉
I can get dried blood out of a white woollen carpet.
-我能把天鹅绒上的头颅碎片清理掉 -恶心
- I can remove skull fragments from velvet. - Ew!
所以 记好了
So...think on!
好 语气坚决单说得很清楚
Yeah. Firm, but fair.
你好
Hello.
抱歉 我不想吓你的
Sorry. I didn't mean to startle you.
我自己进来的
I let myself in.
每个人都有这个房♥子的钥匙吗
Has everyone got keys to this bloody house?
天啊 我希望不是
Oh, gosh. I hope not.
-现在只有我和我们的邻居有了 -没关系
- Erm, just me and our neighbour now, I think. - It's all right.
至少你手上没拿着馅饼
At least you weren't carrying a pie, I suppose.
不会 我从不烘焙
Oh, no. I don't bake.
这也是我丈夫恼怒的原因之一
No. It was a source of some... irritation for my husband.
你就是...
You're the, erm...?
这是...
Oh, this is...?
我就是那位妻子 没错
I'm the wife, yes.
我想我现在应该叫"寡妇"了
Oh, I suppose I should say "widow" now.
是的 应该是的
Yes, I suppose you should!
我只是
I was just, erm...
我正要去接点...谋杀
I was just going to go and get some...murder.
接点 给刺杀接点谋杀
Some...? Some murder for the stab.
我在说什么啊