犯罪现场清理员（2021）

因为我觉得那是放满了牛肉的土豆炖肉
Because I think that that was a hot pot full of beef!
是的
Well, it was.
难以置信 你不是素食主义者吗
Unbelievable. You're not a vegan?
不 我是 我是
No, I am, I am.
你吃了那锅土豆炖肉吗
Did you eat that hot pot?
是的 但是
Well, yeah, but...
没有但是 可怜的加雷思
But nothing. Poor Gareth.
不 我讨厌吃肉
No, I hate it.
我只是试着吃了土豆
I just try and eat the potato,
只吃了足够让我妈妈觉得我吃饱了的量
just enough to make her think I've had it.
你妈妈不知道你是素食主义者
Your mum doesn't know you're a vegan?
我试过告诉她 但是她不能理解
Well, I've tried telling her, but she just doesn't get it.
告诉她 她可以去老人院
Well, tell her she can go to the old people's home
吃阿尔兹海默症患者人排
for an Alzheimer's steak.
你对我说了
Worked for me.
她比任何人都接受不了
Well, she took it harder than anyone.
-比我还难以接受 -什么
- Harder than me. - What?
事故
The accident.
我还以为你天生就坐轮椅呢
I thought you'd always been in a wheelchair.
不是
No.
六年前 车祸 因为酒驾
Six years ago, car accident, drunk driver.
混♥蛋♥
Bastard!
人们为什么老这么做
Why do people do that?
不不 我就是那个酒驾司机
No, no. I was the drunk driver.
我们有压力时都会想喝一杯 是吧
Yeah, well, we all like a drink when we're stressed, don't we?
拜托 我也有一次在喝了一瓶烈酒之后开铲车
Come on. I've operated a fork lift after a bottle of Schnapps.
谁没有呢
Who hasn't?
不 我不需要你来安慰我
No, I-I don't need you to try and make me feel better.
这就是我的错
It's my own fault.
我很幸运没有其他人受伤
I'm just lucky that no-one else got hurt.
说是这么说
Well, I say no-one.
天啊
Oh, God.
你撞了一头牛 是吗
You hit a cow, didn't you?
所以你变成了素食主义者
That's why you're a vegan.
不是 我是指我妈
No! I mean my mum.
从此之后她就一直担心我
She just worries and worries so much.
这让人很难受 看到你亲妈看着你
It's difficult seeing your own mum look at you
然后毫无理由地放声大哭
and then just start crying, no reason.
我们本可以度过美好的一天
We could be having a perfectly nice day,
然后她看到我坐着轮椅
and then she'll see me in my wheelchair
就好像她第一次看到那样
and it's like she's seeing it for the first time.
但你做得很好
But you're doing all right.
你不擅长捡橙子 但是
I mean, you're rubbish at getting oranges, but...
我很好
I'm fine.
我已经适应了 我热爱生活
I've adjusted and I love life.
如果没发生车祸
I probably do more than I would have
我可能活得还不如现在
if it hadn't happened.
所以你建议成为残疾人吗
So you'd recommend it, being disabled?
闭嘴
Shut up.
她每周都会给我送一份土豆炖肉或牧羊人派
So, every week, she brings me a hot pot or a shepherd's pie,
我只是不忍♥心拒绝她
and I just can't bring myself to tell her no.
你看 这是她帮我的方式
It's her way of, like, helping, you see.
她作为母亲的方式
Her way of being a mum.
我明白 我妈过去常做超美味的土豆炖肉
I get it. My mum used to make awesome hot pots.
抱歉 她已经去世了吗
I'm sorry. Is she not here any more?
不 她很好 只是不能再做土豆炖肉了
No, she's fine, she just can't make hot pots any more.
我爸对此有句名言
Dad's got a catchphrase about it.
"你妈过去是个好厨娘 孩子
"Your mum used to be a great cook, kids.
"现在她太差劲了 真希望我从没娶过她"
"Now she's shit. I wish I'd never married her."
天啊
Jesus!
好吧 就是这样 这就是全部故事
Right, well, there you go, there's the full story.
天啊 累死了 我觉得我需要来杯啤酒
God, I'm exhausted. I feel like I need a beer.
抱歉 我不能帮你
I'm sorry, I can't help you there.
里面有动物制品
It's got animal products in it.
总之 我现在更喜欢大♥麻♥烟
I prefer a joint these days, anyway.
是吗
Is that right?
大♥麻♥烟里没有动物
No animals in a joint.
那你有货吗
And have you, uh...?
你就像机械战警
You're like Robocop.
到你了 马屁精
Your move, creep.
我没看过《机械战警》
I haven't seen Robocop.
怎么你妈可以吃肉
How come your mum's allowed meat
而加扎不可以
and Gazza isn't?
-这不一样 -怎么不一样
- It's different. - How?
她是我妈 笨蛋 她养大了我
She's my mum, silly. She raised me.
当我第一次遇到他
When I first met him,
就告诉他我是素食主义者
I told him I was vegan,
我是认真的
and I take it seriously,
我不能和非素食主义者在一起
and I can't be with anyone who isn't.
-好吧 -他选择走进我的生活
- Right. - He chose to come into my life,
她选择赋予我人生
she chose to give me it.
我明白了 你妈可以肉食狂欢
I get it, your mum's allowed meat orgies.
别把我妈和"狂欢"放在同一句话里 好吗
Don't put my mum in the same sentence as "orgies", right?
拜托 别再叫他加扎了
And for God's sake, do not call him Gazza again.
听着 我只想说
Listen, all I'm saying is,
这是双重标准
there's a double standard there,
但我不会管这个 因为我有个问题
but I'm going to let it slide because I have a question.
天啊 我不想再聊他的事了
Bloody hell. I don't want to talk about him any more.
与他无关 跟吃肉也无关
It's not about him, it's not about meat,
但这事很严肃
but it is serious.
你能给我搞一个吗
Can you get me one?
"一个"什么
"One"?
你懂的 这就等于圣杯
You know, it's the Holy Grail.
蓝证指残疾人专用标志
你是说蓝证 对吧
You're talking about a blue badge, aren't you?
畅游城市的自♥由♥
Sweet freedom of the city.
不行
No.
我不会给你残疾人停车证的
I'm not getting you a bloody disabled parking badge.
好吧 我想也不行 没门 对吗
Yeah, thought not. Closed shop, ain't it?
没错
Damn right.
我们总得有些额外福利
There's got to be some perks.
很高兴你承认了
I'm glad you admit it.
不不不 不是
No, no, no, no.
我们拥有的所有便利条件都是公平的
Any advantages we have are fair.
行 好吧
Yeah, right.
我似乎记得奥斯卡·皮斯托瑞斯
I seem to remember Oscar Pistorius
前南非残疾人田径选手 双腿截肢运动员
装上那些弹簧后干得不错
did pretty well on those springs.
显然 是在可怕的谋杀案之前
I mean, before all the horrible murder and stuff, obviously.
2013年2月14日 皮斯托瑞斯在当地家中枪杀其女友
弹簧 那些不是弹簧
Springs? They weren't springs.
我看见弹簧能认出来 伙计
I know a spring when I see it, mate.
那家伙跳着赢得了胜利
Guy bounced his way to victory.
好吧 那我们试试你的理论
Right, well, let's put your theory to the test.
沿着这条路有辆快餐车
There's a food truck down the road.
那里做的素香肠超好吃
It does great vegan sausages.
我去不了吧 我的背疼
I can't go, can I? My back.
不 我说的是公平竞争 不是吗
No, I'm talking about levelling the playing field, aren't I?
一场公平竞赛
A fair race.
怎么比
How?
我有一辆多余的轮椅
Got a spare, haven't I?
放马过来吧
Bring it.
我会的
I'll bring it.
快点 体格健全的运动员 你要输了
Come on, able-bodied athlete, you're getting thrashed!
我要死了
I'm in hell!
我要死了
I'm in hell!
怎么了
What?
我不明白
I don't get it!
你的胳膊出了问题吗
Something wrong with your arms?
你的问题是 吃太多汉堡了
Too many burgers, that's your problem.
可怜的家伙 他需要我帮忙吗
You poor thing! Does he need my help?
你愿意吗