地下特工（2017）

我叫尚格云顿
My name is Jean-Claude Van Damme.
当年火得不行
I used to be super famous.
你也许记得我头回做主演的"血点"
Perhaps you remember my first starring role in "Bloodsport".
电视里常放这部片子
It is on television all of the time.
或者你可能看过"时空特警"
Or maybe you've seen "Timecop,"
很像布鲁斯·威利斯主演的"环形使者"
which is like "Looper", starring Bruce Willis,
不过甩那部一万条街
but like a million times better.
可眼下不是在拍片
But this is not a movie.
那家伙也不是演员
And that man is not an actor.
他想杀了我
He's trying to kill me.
可老哥我不怵 因为...
But I'm not worried because...
我有绝招
I have a gift.
我可是一字马[劈叉]大♥师♥
I am the master of the splits.
至少以前是
Or at least I used to be.
我擦
Fuck.
怎么回事
How did this happen?
我咋来这儿了
How did I get here?
尚格 我刚洗了个澡 怎么黏糊糊的
JC, I used your shower and now I'm all sticky.
是椰汁
It's coconut water.
你用椰汁洗澡吗
Your shower uses coconut water?
水管里都是椰汁
All of the plumbing uses coconut water.
我不明白
I don't understand.
那是当然
Of course not.
你明白不了
You never do.
我可是第一次来啊
This is the first time I've been here.
我帮你穿衣服吧
Let me help you get dressed.
好
Okay.
喂 服务员 来一下
Hey, excuse me. Excuse me.
我的 拉面是干的
My, ramen is dry.
老兄 这是本店特色
Yeah, man, that's what we do.
干拉面
Dry ramen.
能给我这份 加点水吗
Can you put some, water on mine?
我们不给加的
We actually don't have access to water.
这儿是体验店 不是真饭店
We're a pop up experience, not a restaurant.
好吧 搞不懂
Okay, I don't understand.
哥
Dude.
诶呀 我去
Hey, no shit.
这几年去哪儿了
Where you been, man?
有啥新作品吗
You got anything coming out?
我息影了
I'm retired.
DVD碟呢
What about on, DVD?
视频点播
VOD?
没有 真息影了
No, no. Real retired.
我可不像尼古拉斯·凯奇[欲退还留]
Not like Nicholas Cage retired.
我日
Fuck, man.
还以为你是尼古拉斯·凯奇
I thought you were Nicholas Cage.
射击讲究技巧 尚格
Shooting's about finesse, JC.
你得柔和点
You gotta have a soft touch.
好吧 我不太懂这个
Yeah, I'm not exactly known for my soft touch.
那这样
Let's try this.
你跟我说过你小时候最开心的事
You told me about your favorite childhood memory once.
还记得吗
You remember that?
记得 农场
Yeah. The farm.
你爷爷的鸸鹋[澳洲鸵鸟]农场
Your grandfather's emu farm.
想象一下
Picture it.
风和日丽
It's a beautiful day.
你不用外出
Nowhere for you to be.
也不用做事
Nothing for you to do.
只有你自己
It's just you,
和那些巨大的...
and those big...
神气的...
majestic...
...鸸鹋
...birds.
我爱你
I love you.
我也爱你
I love you.
瓦妮莎
Vanessa.
-怎么了 -见鬼
- What? - Shit.
-瓦妮莎 我打过电♥话♥... -我快赶不上飞机了
- Hey, Vanessa, I called... - I'm late for a flight.
我写过信 千方百计联♥系♥你
I wrote, I tried everything.
我想你
I miss you.
你想要我说什么
What do you want me to say to that?
一起吃晚饭吧 我给你解释清楚
Let's have dinner tonight. Let me explain.
我三小时后飞保加利亚
I'm flying to Bulgaria in three hours.
有任务吗
For a job?
我还以为你退了
But I thought you quit.
我没退 尚格
I didn't quit working, JC.
只是不跟你搭档了
I just quit working with you.
照顾好自己 好吗
You take care of yourself, okay?
瓦妮莎
Vanessa.
老兄 你的干拉面
Hey, bro, you forgot your dry ramen.
(你是)方·基默[好莱坞男影星]
Val Kilmer?
珍
Jane.
是你最喜欢的客户
It's your favorite client.
我回来了
I'm back.
-珍 -尚格
- Jane. - JC.
天呐 听到你的声音我都"硬"了
Goddamn, I got such a hard on when I heard your voice.
又打算逐梦演艺圈了
Hey, you ready to pop the trunk on this shit?
-对 -走吧
- Yes. - Let's go.
你都去哪儿了
Where have you been?
一直休养生息
I've been relaxing.
难怪啥圣诞卡 生日卡我都没收到
That explains no Christmas cards, birthday cards.
听我道来
Okay, first up.
动作版翻拍"瑞奇-提奇-塔维"[动画片]
Action re-imagining of "Rikki-Tikki-Tavi".
钱宁·塔图姆演猫鼬
Channing Tatum's playing the mongoose,
你演某条眼镜蛇
you'd be one of the cobras.
在派拉蒙拍
This is set up at Paramount.
珍
Jane.
动作版翻拍"清秀佳人"[动画片]
Action re-imaging of "Anne of Green Gables".
在去年的剧本黑名单上哦
This was on the black list last year.
剧本是个弗雷斯♥诺♥的清洁工写的
Kid who wrote it is a garbage man in Fresno.
亲 那些是石子
Honey, those are not edible.
也在派拉蒙拍
That's at Paramount.
哦 这个不是派拉蒙的
Okay. This isn't Paramount.
-珍 -原创故事
- Jane. - Origin story.
讲的是老张饭店[著名中餐连锁店]
Of the restaurant P.F. Chang's.
不过还是动作片
But imagined as an action movie.
你演理查德·肖——菲尼斯·弗格·张的帮手
You'd be Richard Shaw, sidekick to Phineas Fog Chang.
-钱宁·塔图姆也会出演 -珍
- Channing Tatum is attached. - Jane.
成龙演左宗棠将军
Jackie Chan's playing General Tso,
他会骑一只巨型特效鸡
he's rides a giant CG chicken.
画面简直太美
This is gonna be great.
珍
Jane!
我说的"我回来了"
When I told you I was back,
不是指"尚格云顿"
I did not mean JCVD.
而是... 约翰逊[囧]
I meant... Johnson.
懂了
I see.
总监授权已识别
Director authorization recognized.
安防措施已启动
Security protocols engaged.
约翰逊都退休两年了
Johnson has been retired for two years.
在这行等于永久退休
That's an eternity in this line of work.
进入安全状态
Room secured.
我一直运动 还打飞碟高尔夫
I stay active. I play Frisbee golf.
这不是游戏 尚格
This isn't a game, Jean-Claude.
这是黑色行动
It's black ops.
真正的黑色行动 不是游戏使命召唤7
Real black ops, not the game.
准备不足我就把你派去 会死人的
I send you out there before you're ready, people die.
没人会死
No one's going to die.
除了我要杀的
Except for all the people I'm going to kill.
我先打探下 看有没有低风险的任务
I'll put out feelers, see if there are any low risk assignments.
我要去保加利亚
I want Bulgaria.
瓦妮莎的任务吧