家庭指南（2014）

巴顿 坐吧
Button, sit down.
你♥爸♥和我有些事情想和你说
Your father and I have something we want to tell you.
你认真的吗 我们要现在谈
Really? We're doing this now?
简直超棒啊
This is awesome.
对哦 等等 我还以为我们不能养狗
Yeah, wait, I thought we couldn't get a dog
因为老妈她
because mom's...
过敏
Allergic.
亨利 这是只盲人引导狗
Henry, it's a seeing-eye dog.
官方名字应该叫导盲犬
The correct term is guide dog.
他不会帮我看东西 他负责引导我
He doesn't see for me. He guides me.
就跟导航一样
He's like a GPS.
一个刚吃了我新水胸罩的导航仪
A GPS that just ate my new water bra.
谁让某人放那么矮的桌上
Which somebody left on a low table.
亨利 听着 儿子
Henry, look, son,
当双方签订了协议
when two parties have entered into a contract
但彼此陷入了僵局
and they've reached an impasse,
- 双方都保留了权利 - 梅尔 行了
- both parties reserve the right... - Mel, come on.
这事我们不能兜圈子
We can't dance around this.
亨利 当两棵树紧挨着彼此生长
Henry, when two trees grow beside each other
其中一棵无法在另一棵的阴影中成长
and one tree can't grow in the shade of the other,
它或许就会想要展翅高飞
it might want to spread its wings.
- 抱歉 树还有翅膀吗 - 对 它们有 梅尔
- Sorry, trees have wings? - Yes, they do, Mel,
而且他们还想报名参加
and they would like to enroll in some courses
当地社区学院的一些课程
at the local community college.
你懂了吗 宝贝
Do you understand, honey?
懂啊 我们能叫他擎天柱奥莱姆吗
Mm-hmm. Can we name him Optimus Orime?
- 当然能 - 不 乔伊斯 不 他有名字
- Absolutely. - No, Joyce, no, he has a name.
- 叫埃尔维斯 - 那叫楚巴卡怎么样
- It's Elvis. - Oh, what about Chewbacca?
你想叫啥就叫啥 宝贝
Whatever you want, sweetheart.
不 不行
No, no.
行了 知道吗
All right, you know what,
别管什么狗啊名字啊的了
forget about the dog and the name and...
卧♥槽♥ 每次都这样
Aagh, God, every time!
难以置信
Unbelievable.
小娃 他们想说的是
Bug, what they're trying to say...
- 我们还是彼此相爱的 - 我们永远都是一家人
- We still love each other. - We'll always be a family.
- 没错 - 深入骨髓
- Yeah. - Right on the bone.
老爸要搬出去
Dad's moving out.
所以他才需要狗
That's why he got the dog.
这就是我父母超级直白的
And that was the super smooth way
告诉我他们要离婚的方式
my parents told me they were getting divorced.
很多孩子会因为父母的离婚
A lot of kids blame themselves
而责怪自己
for their parents' divorce.
谢谢
Thank you.
前进
Forward.
但我很肯定这事是狗的错
But this one I was pretty certain was the dog's fault.
要么把我们的浴袍送回来
Well, we're either going to need the bathrobes back,
要么我们就扣你295美元
or we're going to charge you the $295.
我要挂电♥话♥了
I got to go.
- 有什么要帮忙的吗 - 有 办理入住
- Can I help you? - Yes. Checking in.
好的 不 不 不 不许带狗入住
Okay, no, no, no. No dogs allowed.
没事的 他是导盲犬
It's okay. He's a guide dog.
哦 不 不能带宠物
Yeah. No. No pets.
你看到那个标志了吗
Did you see the sign?
没看到
I did not.
行呗 我们有很严格的政策规定不能带宠物
Right. Well, we have a very strict "No pets" Policy.
我有很严格的政策规定不许违法
I have a strict "Don't break the law" Policy.
没错
Ooh, yeah,
凯文 如果你还能请病假的话
Kevin, if you can still take a sick day,
我建议你赶紧
I'd do it.
我是个盲人律师
I am a blind attorney.
啥都看不到
Cannot see a thing.
加州民法第54-1条规定
And California civil code 54.1 makes it illegal
拒绝携带服务类动物的人入住是违法的
to deny lodging to anyone using a service animal.
这可是民法 小凯 人人都得遵守哦
It's a civil code, Kev. Our hands are tied.
要是你不赶紧给我个房♥间的话
If you don't give me a room right now,
我会好好起诉下你 到一切结束的时候
I will sue you so hard that when the dust settles,
你会叫这地儿梅尔·费舍尔酒店
you'll be calling this the Mel Fisher hotel.
你认识啥好的律师吗 小凯 我可是认识一个
You know a good lawyer, Kev? 'Cause I do.
小子 咱们的新伙伴凯文还真用
Boy, our new friend Kevin really redeemed himself
这些热奶油圣代自救了
with these hot fudge sundaes.
对啊 最后一段根本就是 瞎扯的嘛
Yeah, that last bite was, like, all fudge.
那些羊排怎么样啊 埃尔维斯
How those veal chops treating you, Elvis?
晚上九点
09 p.M.
啊哦 我和你妈保证过你会回去吃晚饭
Uh-oh, I promised your mom I'd have you home for dinner,
所以 不管她做了什么 你都得饿了
so, whatever she's making, you're hungry.
或者 或者我能留下来
Or, or I could stay here
帮你熟悉下酒店
and help you navigate the hotel.
伙计 听着
Buddy, listen...
他们有夫妻按♥摩♥
Ooh, they have a couple's massage.
肯定很好玩
That could be fun.
我也很乐意如此
There's nothing I'd love more,
但老妈在等你呢
but mom's expecting you.
别担心我 我有埃尔维斯
Don't worry about me. I got Elvis.
在我抹干净我脸上的热奶油之前
And before I even got the hot fudge off my face,
我的工作就被一只狗包了
my job had been outsourced to a dog.
老爸或许把我赶出了酒店
Dad may have kicked me out of the hotel,
但至少在我到家的时候老妈在等我
but at least when I got home mom was waiting for me
敞开双臂 还带着吸尘器
with open arms... and a vacuum.
我爱你 小家伙 但你身上沾满了狗毛
I love you, peanut, but you're covered in doggy dander.
手举起来
Arms up.
我想让你知道即使有很多事情发生了变化
I want you to know that even though there's a lot of changes
但我们仍然是一大家子
going on, we are still just a regular family.
懂吗 好了 转身
Okay? All right, turn around.
我要吸一下你屁♥股♥ 谢了
I got to vacuum your butt. Thank you.
我想着留下来 但我猜他不需要我
I thought I was staying over, but I guess he doesn't need me.
伙计 我向你保证
Buddy, I promise you,
一旦老爸有了间公♥寓♥
as soon as dad gets an apartment,
你想和他待多久就多久
you can stay with him as much as you want.
我有错过吗 你有看到老妈的新玩具吗
Did I miss it? Did you see mom's new toy?
我不懂有啥好大惊小怪的
I don't know what the big deal is.
- 那是 - 烟斗吗
- Is that a... - Pipe?
你觉得呢
You betcha.
你们说电子烟看着太荒唐了
You guys said the electronic cigarette looked ridiculous,
我是个喜欢听从建议的老妈
and I am a mom who listens.
所以抓重点说
So just to recap,
我爸用一直导盲犬取代了我
my dad replaced me with a guide dog,
而我妈成了大力水手
and my mom became Popeye.
那一周对于费舍尔一家来说意义重大
It was a big week for the Fisher family.
我会告诉你你要干什么 好吗
I'll tell you what you got to do, okay?
你得找出件你能做但埃尔维斯不能的事
You got to find something that you can do that Elvis can't.
比如什么
Like what?
比如教梅尔小宝贝儿新的舞蹈动作
Like teach Mel baby the latest dance moves.
- 我的天 就它了 - 没错 我说
- Oh, my God. That's it. - Yeah, I mean,
我还从没见过哪只狗会跳热舞的
I've never seen a dog that can pop-and-lock.
不是 你看
No, look.
我要给我爸一个公♥寓♥
I'm gonna get my dad an apartment.
这是狗做不到的
That's something a dog can't do.
而且也是一个六岁小学生做不到的
And that's also something a sixth grader can't do.
喂 喂 你要干嘛
Eh-eh-eh, what are you doing?
你不能在野外考察的时候溜掉
You cannot leave a field trip.
掩护我
Cover for me.
我们签了同意书的 我可不想回韩国
We signed a permission slip. I am not going back to Korea.
等等 她生我气
Wait, she's mad at me?
所有人都带葡萄酒去派对
Everybody brings wine to a dinner party,
但我就是与众不同
but I'm not everybody.
所以我才带了仙人掌
That's why I bought a cactus.
有什么要帮忙的吗
Can I help you?
公♥寓♥还卖♥♥吗
Is the apartment still available?
你离家出走了吗
You running away from home?