家庭指南（2014）

我只是不知道我这辈子还会不会碰上了
I just wonder if it's ever gonna happen for me,
你懂的 桃花运
you know, girl-wise.
相信我 亨利 你会在不经意间
Trust me, Henry. You'll meet a girl
遇到你的心上人的
when you least expect it.
我们就盼着你能在还没秃的时候遇见吧
Let's just hope it happens while you still got the hair.
我11岁的时候 我爸妈就离婚了
When I was 11, my parents got divorced,
我变得和半数美国孩子一样
which made me like 50% of kids in America.
好了 告诉我要砍哪棵树
Okay, tell me which tree to cut down.
最大的不同在于
One kind of huge difference was...
就这棵
This one right here.
我爸失明了
My dad was blind.
连他要砍的那棵树都看不到 的那种
As in "Can't see the tree he's about to cut down" Blind.
老妈给我剪了这个帅气的发型
Mom gave me that delightful hair cut,
从这发型来看 她倒还没瞎
and, despite what it looks like, she can see fine.
有两件事 树有多高
Two quick things... how tall is the tree,
房♥子在哪边
and where's the house?
超级高 房♥子在你左肩后方
Super tall and over your left shoulder.
- 我的左肩 - 知道吗
- My left shoulder. - You know what?
我们还是去吃点冰激凌吧
Let's just go get some ice cream.
- 我买♥♥单 - 别胡扯
- I'll buy. - Nonsense.
我家娃要泳池 绝对就要满足他们
My kids want a pool, they're getting a pool.
行了 现在这里是危险区域
Okay, this is now a danger zone.
回屋里直到我喊 安全区
Go inside until I yell, "Safety zone."
但我们不是应该
But shouldn't we just...
危险区域
Danger zone.
他还戴护目镜干嘛
Why is he wearing safety glasses?
护目镜
Safety glasses?
这画面的问题出在护目镜上吗
That's what's wrong with this picture?
梅尔 你在搞什么
Mel, what are you doing?
那些是我的园艺手套
Those are my good gardening gloves.
他手汗出的和脚似的
His hands sweat like feet.
而且眼睛还不行
And his eyes don't work.
木材
Timber!
安全区
Safety zone.
一棵搞定 还剩三棵
One down, three to go.
我爸妈离婚也不是什么让人抓狂的事
It wasn't crazy that my parents got divorced.
让人抓狂的是我知道的方式
What was crazy was the way I found out.
首先 说点往事
First, a little back story.
费舍尔引爆了后场
Fisher explodes into the back field.
他以精神力量来弥补身材上的不足
What he lacks in size he more than makes up for in spirit.
老爸在12岁的时候失明了
Dad went blind when he was 12.
他在三点钟方向 两点钟方向
He's on the 30, the 20,
他没有忽略那棵大树
he is not forgetting about the big tree,
他很快 非常快
he's fast, he's quick...
在去练双簧管前他还能再打一轮
He's got one more play before clarinet practice.
但他从没让失明阻止他
But he never let the fact that he couldn't see
做任何事
keep him from doing anything,
甚至是某些理应阻止的
even when it probably should have.
- 油门再大点 - 我知道 我知道
- Cut harder. - I know. I know.
好了 停好了 完美
There. In. Perfect.
你确定吗
Are you sure?
到底谁是瞎的来着
Which one's blind again?
随着离婚的到来 老妈开始找寻自我
With the divorce coming, mom was on a quest to find herself,
在此期间她找到了不少新货
and along the way she found a ton of new things.
巴顿 我要不要买♥♥个这样的水胸罩
Button, should I get one of these water bras?
老妈 我是你儿子唉
Mom, I'm your son.
所以我相信你的建议
Which is why I trust your opinion.
你瞧 全新的老妈 以前的老妈
See, new mom, old mom.
- 全新的老妈 以前的 - 买♥♥买♥♥买♥♥
- New mom, old m... - Get the bra.
好的
Okay.
我这辈子拿不到驾照了
I'm never gonna get my license.
你拿驾照的可能性都比我大
You have a better chance of getting your license.
凯蒂 你是费舍尔家的人
Katie, you're a Fisher.
你能做你想做的任何事
You can do anything you set your mind to.
看好了 各位 这话又来了
Get ready, people. Here it comes.
我瞎了都能考上法学院
I went to law school blind.
你有意识到这是两码事吧
You do realize it's impossible to compete with that.
是啊 宝贝 你绝对能行的
I do. Sweetie, you can totally do this.
你只是需要看下示范
You just need to be shown how.
妈 老爸他要
Mom, dad's gonna...
那是啥
What is that?
这是电子烟
It's an electronic cigarette.
你们一直都劝我戒烟来着
You guys have been on me to quit smoking the other ones.
这还是芒果味的
It's mango.
梅尔 你不该开车的
Mel, you should not be driving.
你还不该抽空气清新剂呢
And you should not be smoking air fresheners.
你干嘛不干脆学学别人做个胸部注射
Why don't you slap on a patch like everybody else?
知道我用填充的话看着有多荒诞吗
You know how ridiculous I would look with a patch?
好了 开始吧
Okay. Here we go.
我对齐他们保险杠的时候告诉我一声
Tell me when I'm lined up with their bumper.
你不会真打算 现在 就现在
You're not seriously gonna... now! Now!
往左打方向盘
Turn the wheels to the left
直到你和他们的后保险杠对齐
until you're lined up with the rear bumper of their car.
好了 对齐了
You're there. You're there.
然后你再往回打方向
Then you turn back this way,
然后就停好了
and you drop it right in.
- 爸 - 梅尔
- Dad! - Mel!
我来搞定 我来搞定
I got it. I got it.
我爸之后 我认识的最牛逼的人
Next to my dad, the coolest guy I knew
是我的好基友 Runyen
was my best friend Runyen.
梅尔 亲爱的
Mel, baby.
啥都用卡其布的
Khakis go with everything.
完美 吊带加皮带
Smart. Suspenders and a belt?
鉴于你啥都看不见
I'm gonna give you a pass
这装扮我勉强给个及格吧
because of the whole "Eyes no worky" Thing.
早啊 Runyen
Hello, Runyen.
要不是觉得我儿子需要有个黑人朋友的话
You know, I'd kick you out if I didn't think
我肯定就把你赶出去了
it was important for my son to have black friends.
够机灵
Well played.
要咖啡吗
Coffee?
Runyen是除我们家人之外少数几个
Runyen was one of the few people outside our family
知道我爸看不见的
who knew dad was blind.
没错 在离婚前
That's right. Before the divorce,
爸隐藏了他失明的事实
dad actually hid his blindness.
比尔·达夫 我想让你见见
Bill Duffy, I'd like you to meet...
我是梅尔·费舍尔
Mel Fisher.
他从没骗过任何人
He never lied to anyone.
但他确实把他们耍得团团转
But he did trick 'em a lot.
过来 你还没大到
Come here. You are not too big
你♥爸♥不能抱抱你的地步
to get a hug from your old man.
- 那边什么情况 - 桌子在前方十步的距离
- What do we got? - Table is ten steps away,
六点钟方向有空位 格兰在座位左侧
empty chair's at 6:00, Glen's on the left,
而且他拉链没拉上
and his fly is wide open.
山姆 梅尔·费舍尔
Sam, Mel Fisher.
希望你不介意
I hope you don't mind.
我带我的小助手过来
I brought our youngest associate.
跆拳道课取消了
Tae kwon do got cancelled.
格兰 走光了
Glen, barn door.
有我在他身边
With me at his side,
我能帮他做任何事
I could help him with anything.
老兄 这一点上
Dude, at this point,
我可以算是欠你的
I basically own you.
除了那张该死的咖啡桌
Except that damn coffee table.
- 每次都这样 - Mei 亲爱的 我的酒店
- Every time. - Mel, baby, my hotels.
你是在搞死我啊
You're killing me.
从我记事起
For as long as I could remember,
我就是他的人形导盲犬
I was his human guide dog.
正因如此 在看到他弄了只真导盲犬
Which is why I was so surprised
的时候 我才如此惊讶
when he got a real one.
真温馨 我们养了只狗吗
Sweet. We got a dog?