丧尸乐园（2009）

我讨厌椰蓉
I hate coconut.
不是因为味道 而是那玩意黏黏的
Not the taste, consistency.
挺新鲜的呢
Fresh.
我要吃夹心蛋糕 这事没完
Oh, this twinkie thing, it ain't over yet.
我知道现在说不合适
Hey, this may be a bad time,
可我想上大号♥
but I gotta take the Browns to the Super Bowl.
-真的吗 -真的
- Really? - Really.
我知道 又要上厕所
I know, again,
太频了 我能怎么办
so soon? What can I say?
我有慢性焦虑症
I have a case of, uh, chronic anxiety.
其实我似乎是有恐惧症
Truth is, I was always kind of phobic.
许多事物都会让我不安
I found lots of things disturbing.
比如回头浪或是商场里的圣诞老人
Like undertow or department store santas.
独自跟婴儿待在一起
Being alone with a baby.
但是我最害怕的东西
But the thing I fear more than anything,
是的 比僵尸更可怕的
yes, even more than zombies,
就是该死的小丑
Fucking clowns.
当你害怕外面的一切
When you're afraid of everything that's out there,
你就会尽量避免外出
You quit going out there,
僵尸肆虐以前 我一直都这样
which is what happened to me before Zombieland.
周五晚上 连续第三周宅在家里
Friday night, third straight week indoors.
玩魔兽世界
"World of Warcraft",
堆得小山高的匹萨盒子
Leaning Tower of pizza boxes,
和饮料瓶子
Code Red Mountain Dew.
骄傲 谈不上
Pride, nowhere.
尊严 也丧失殆尽
Dignity, long gone.
处♥男♥身 你绝对猜中了
Virginity, totally justifiable to speculate on.
爽
Smooth.
我这辈子一直想着找个姑娘
My whole life, all I'd ever wanted was to find a girl,
谈个恋爱 带她回家去见父母
And fall in love, bring her home to meet the folks.
话又说回来
Then again,
因为我父母都和我一样是有妄想症的宅人
since my folks are a couple of paranoid shut-ins like me,
或许那个女孩可以带我去见她的父母
maybe this girl could bring me home to her folks.
那样我就能有个真正的家了
And then I'd finally be a member of a cool, functional family.
408房♥间的
408.
有人在家吗 情况紧急
Please, is anyone home? Please, it's an emergency.
我通常不会因听到惊恐的喊声而开门
I don't usually unlock my door to the sounds of panic,
但406的邻居实在太性感了
But my neighbor 406 is insanely hot.
来了 来了
Okay, okay.
谢谢 谢谢
Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you.
很高兴认识你
Nice to meet you.
给你
Here.
喝吧
There you go.
-是激浪吗 -是的 红色代码
- Mountain Dew? - Yeah. Code Red.
这还有些全麦片
And here's some Golden Grahams.
在密封袋里还很脆
The, uh, ziploc bag keeps them crisp.
好的 放在这
Okay. keep that there.
那么 告诉我怎么了
So, um, tell me what happened.
那是一个生病的流浪汉
Uh... he was homeless and-- and-- and sick.
我当时在从酒吧回家的路上 正打电♥话♥
And I was walking home from the bar, talking on my phone,
突然他朝我冲过来
and then he just came sprinting towards me.
我是说 不是一般的跑 是冲刺
I mean, not running, sprinting.
当时我还以为...
And-- and I thought, you know,
他可能是在逃命 或是在追谁
like, maybe he was running from someone, or after someone,
但我最后见他时依然像个疯子似的在那
but last time I saw he was still out there going crazy.
也许是嗑药了
Drugs, maybe?
我还没讲到最可怕的一幕呢
I didn't even tell you the worst part.
你说
Yeah?
他想咬我
He tried to bite me.
你说得对 那真是最可怕的一幕了
You're right, that's the worst part.
很抱歉 我吓坏了
I'm sorry. I'm just so scared.
不不 一个流浪汉要吃了你
No, no, no, you should be scared.
不害怕才怪呢
A homeless man just tried to eat you.
那是人之常情
That's the right kind of scared.
是人都会害怕的
That's reasonable scared.
我害怕的东西
I get scared for things that, like,
根本让人无法理解
don't make sense at all,
比如红鼻子小丑
Like clowns with red noses,
或者是抹布 就是在连锁餐厅吃完饭
or, like, the rags they use to wipe down tables
用来擦桌子的那种
when you finish eating at a chain restaurant.
真的吗
Really?
重要的是我会在这儿保护你 好吗
Look, the point is I am here for you, okay?
只要你在我身边
And as long as you are by my side,
我就不会离开这间屋子
I am not leaving this apartment.
介意我在这小睡一会儿吗
Do you mind if I just close my eyes for a minute?
不介意 当然不
No, of course. of course.
-谢谢 -睡吧
- Thank you. - Okay.
除了那个发狂的食人流浪汉故事
Set aside the feverish, homeless cannibal,
我简直活在美梦里
I'm living the dream.
我这一辈子都想着
I had always, my whole life,
轻轻将女孩的头发拨过她的耳朵
wanted to brush a girl's hair over her ear.
-晚安 -晚安
- Good night. - Good night.
哦 天哪
Oh, my god.
你还好吗
Are you okay?
好了 好了 停下 停下
Okay, okay, okay. stop, stop, stop.
你想干嘛
What are you doing?
听着 406的 退后
Look, stay back, 406, okay?
我不想伤害你 但是...
I don't wanna hurt you, but,
该死
Shit.
天哪 我真♥他♥妈♥的抱歉
Oh, my god, I'm so fucking sorry.
瞧 你就是不能相信任何人
You see, you just can't trust anyone.
我人生中接纳的第一个女孩竟然想吃我
The first time I let a girl into my life and she tries to eat me.
请听我说
Please. listen to me.
406那位
406.
如果你还有意识
If you're in there,
你只不过是病了
you're just sick. okay?
法则二 补射一枪
Rule 2: Double Tap
这是我第一次遇到21世纪的瘟疫
That was my first brush with the plague of the 21st century.
记得疯牛病吗
Remember mad cow disease?
疯牛病变成疯人病 又变成僵尸病
Well, mad cow became mad person became mad zombie.
僵尸瘟疫是种快速作用的病毒
It's a fast-acting virus
让你大脑肿胀
that left you with a swollen brain,
发高烧
a raging fever,
它会让你充满敌意 残暴
that made you hateful, violent,
总让你感觉饥肠辘辘
and gave you a really, really bad case of the munchies.
好吧 你把方向盘 我在后面推
All right, you steer, I'll push.
好的
Uh-- Okay.
好了
Okay.
我听说世上尚存一片净土没被这病毒侵袭
I have heard there's a place that's untouched by this crap.
东部地区 对吧
Back East, yeah?
是的 你也听说了吗
Yeah. yeah. you heard the same thing?
我们西部的人 听说东部安全
Out West, we hear it's Back East.
他们东部的人 听说西部安全
Back East, they hear it's Out West.
其实都是瞎扯淡
It's all just nonsense.
就好比你是一只北极的企鹅
You know, you're like a penguin on the North Pole
听说南极这个季节很美好
who hears the South Pole is really nice this time of year.
北极没有企鹅
There are no penguins on the North Pole.
想尝尝老子拳头的厉害吗
You wanna feel how hard I can punch?
你感觉咋样
So, what do you think?
什么 我上次上大号♥的感觉吗
Wait, the last time I laid some pipe?
上次 你和别人手脚相缠
Last time you went 20 toes,
放小♥弟♥弟♥入圈
put percy in the playpen?
哪个小♥弟♥弟♥
Who's Percy?
爱♥液♥四射 攀上激♥情♥顶峰
Wallpapered the closet, passed the gravy.
-欲♥仙♥欲♥死♥ -原来你说的是做♥爱♥啊
- Went heels to Jesus. - Oh. oh, made love.
就是性♥交♥
Well, just sex.
最近一次是三周以前
Uh-- Three weeks ago. Yeah.
在废弃的快递车里
In the back of an abandoned fedex truck.
得了吧
Shut up.
真的 我要去东部
No, no, I was headed east.