分手专家（2009）

不论你是谁
It doesn't matter who you are
我向着流星许愿
I wish upon a shooting star
你会是那个
That you will be the one
拯救我的人
Who comes to rescue me
我爱你 人类发出的最震撼的一句话
"i love you"...the most powerful phrase we utter as humans.
我们在不同的人生阶段都会听到
We hear it at every stage of life,
它总能使我们的心重返孩童
And it always turns us into kids again--
忘乎所以 神采飞扬
Wild, playful and
同时掌控着我们的生理反映
with limited control of our bodily functions.
爱情是个伟大的事 爱情不可战胜
Love is a many splendored thing. Love conquers all.
爱情是永恒的
Love is eternal until it ends.
这就是我在这的原因
And that is where I come in.
恋爱最好了 比放假还好 我喜欢恋爱
Being in love is the bestest, even better than recess. I love love.
我的父母在车后座陷入了爱情
My parents said they found love in the back of a car
并在那里有了我
And it helped create me.
泰勒 你今天比扎克·莫里斯还帅
Hi, tyler. You look, like, hotter than zach morris today.
我为你画的
I made you this.
哇 布兰妮 谢了
Wow, britney. Thanks.
你和我完了 听说你身上有虱子
I'm dumping you. Heard you got cooties.
布兰妮长虱子了
Britney has cooties!
布兰妮长虱子了
Britney has cooties!
布兰妮长虱子了
Britney has cooties!
没啥大不了 反正我也准备甩了他
Nuh-uh. I was gonna dump him anyways.
布兰妮长虱子了
Britney has cooties!
布兰妮长虱子了
Britney has cooties!
布兰妮长虱子了
Britney has cooties!
抱歉 但这真的像首儿歌♥
Um, sorry. It's really catchy.
爱情破灭
Love blows!
爱情 破灭
Love... Blows.
你是个好人 是他和你没缘分
You're a great person, but this relationship just isn't working out.
是时候分开了 为你
It's time to move on... For you,
为我 为了我们大家
For me, for us.
宝贝 别哭 这不是告别
Sweetie, don't cry. This isn't good-bye.
这只是问候 对新友谊的问候
Okay? It's hello...hello to a new friendship.
等等 你是哪位
Wait. Who are you again?
布兰妮 你前任男友肖恩雇佣我来甩了你
I'm britney. Your ex-boyfriend, sean, hired me to dump you.
喔 不
Oh, no.
这没什么尴尬的 我就是干这个的
It's nothing personal. It's...it's what I do.
我是布兰妮·布鲁克斯 分手专家
I'm britney brooks, the break-up artist.
但说真的 你在真人秀上认识他
But seriously, I mean, you met him on a reality tv show.
所以结局在最开始都是注定的
You were doomed from day one.
这个怎么啦
So how'd it go?
是个第3阶段的鼻涕虫 罗宾
She was a stage-three crier, robyn.
弄得我一身鼻涕和眼泪
I think I got tear stains on my manolos.
好吧 下一个客户是琳达
Ohh. Okay, your next client's name is linda.
她要和她男朋友分手
She needs to break up with her boyfriend.
她不能忍♥受和他共处一室
She can't stand being in the same room with him.
盖瑞就好像全身都是气(满嘴胡话)
Gary's just...he's full of hot air.
他是个骗子 是吗
He's a liar, huh?
不是 他总是放屁 非常下流
No, no. He farts a lot, and it's nasty.
我的意思是 这真是一针见血
Wow. I mean, that was just so clear and concise.
连我都想甩了我自己
Even I want to break up with me now.
接着
Here. Um--
背面是斯坦医生的电♥话♥
On the back is dr. Stein's number.
他是肠胃科医生
He's a gastroenterologist.
为什么我需要肠胃医生
Why would I need a stomach doctor?
和你妈上♥床♥
With your mother?
又要弄一身鼻涕眼泪啦
We're gonna need something with sprinkles instead.
好的
Okay.
听着玛丽莎 我知道这很伤人
Look, marissa, I know that it hurts,
但这就是我来这的原因 好吧
But that's what I'm here for, okay?
男人觉得只要送了娇嫩的玫瑰
Men think all their past discrepancies
巧克力扎糖
Will be forgiven...
过往的错误总会被原谅
With fresh roses or chocolate nougats.
-我喜欢扎糖 -不 不要感情用事
- I like nougat. - No! That's your emotion talking.
你需要做这样几件事
Here's what you need to do.
首先 你需要
First, You need to get through
体验分手的5个情感阶段
the five emotional stages of post breakup-dom.
第一阶段是否认
Stage one is denial.
他不会和我分手因为我很强势
He can't break up with me because I rock.
然后是愤怒
Then anger.
那个傻子 怎么敢否认我的强势
That fool, how dare he deny my rockiness.
再下一步是交涉
Next is bargaining.
好吧 你知道的
Well, you know,
也许我们上♥床♥时我更主动
Maybe if I did more when we have sex,
他明白我是强势的人
He'd realize I rock.
接着是绝望
Then depression.
也许我根本就不强势
Maybe I don't rock.
最后一阶段 坦然接受
And finally, acceptance.
去他妈的 我就是很强势
Screw him. I do rock.
我从没遇到这么快就体验完5个阶段的人
Wow. I've never seen someone go through all the five stages so quickly.
亲爱的 你会没事的
Honey, you're gonna be fine.
他竟然和我妈上♥床♥了
With my mother!
你好 分手乐园公♥司♥
Splitzville, incorporated.
当你吻完了他 我们帮你摆脱他
When you're done kissing him, we'll start dissing him.
我是蒂芙妮 需要帮助吗 是的
This is tiffany. How can I help? Yes.
我们运营一家
And we're also running a weekly
以"不是你差是我不好"为主题的周刊
Special on our "it's not you, It's me" break-up motif.
永远不要穿真丝去分手谈判
Never ever wear silk to a break-up meeting,
尤其是在陷入僵局的时候
Especially when frosting is involved.
客户们前后的反映都不可预料
Clients looking to end it all are unpredictable.
我是说他们一直想来想去
I mean, they're actually thinking with their heart.
那有什么不对呢
What's wrong with that?
心脏是一种特别的器官
The heart is a "special ed" organ.
是不该思考得过多的
It's not supposed to think.
思考过多的话 当然会心碎
And when you use something for the wrong purpose, it usually breaks.
飞吻 艾艾驾到
Ooh! Air kisses. Ashes.
拜托 布布 艾什莉是你的妹妹
Come on, brit. Ashley is your sister.
只是血缘上的
By blood only.
她只不过靠火爆身材
She's a spoiled, shallow brat...
哗众取宠的傻妞儿
With the metabolism of a frickin' russian gymnast.
我是说她主页工作一栏填的是职业辣妹
I mean, her myspace occupation is "professional hottie."
嗨 布布 我们今晚要去夜店
Oh, hey, brit. We're going clubbing tonight.
只要你不是一脸冰山
If you stop giving off that ellen vibe,
你也能加入
You can come.
有什么大不了的
Why bother?
百分之99的情侣关系终止于一人被甩
Ninety-nine percent of all relationships end with someone being dumped.
而其中百分之一能结上婚的
And of the one percent who actually get married,
又有百分之五十的婚姻关系终止于离婚
50% end up divorced.
你有百分之百中一半的几率
You have a half a hundredth percent
处于恋爱关系
Chance of being in a loving relationship.
忘了介绍了 这是我的男朋友 迈克
Oh. Forgot. This is my boyfriend, mike. - hi.
艾的新男友
Ash's new b.f., huh?
让我猜猜 你是整容医生
Let me guess a plastic surgeon,
律师还是电影导演
Lawyer, movie producer?
不 我在YMCA教智障儿童画画
No, I teach art to disadvantaged kids at the y.m.c.a.
老实说 你知道吗
Actually, you know what?
我刚给我学生报名了壁画比赛
I just entered my kids in a mural contest.
冠军能拿250000元
The winner gets 250 grand,
够我们一年的基金了
Which would fund us for a year.
你们有兴趣也可以来帮我们画画...
So, if you guys ever have any interest in coming to help us paint-
她真可爱 不是吗
She's so cute, isn't she?
你和我们一起去夜店吗 迈克
Are you gonna come club with us, mike?
不 我只是来送艾什莉的
No, I'm just here to drop ashley off.
我并不能跳舞
I'm not actually allowed to dance...
因为我在医学上被称为高加索
Because of a medical condition known as being caucasian.
我得走了 宝贝
I've gotta go, sweetheart.
我已经开始想你了 拜拜
I miss you already. Um, bye.
很高兴见到你们 再见
Really nice to meet you guys. See ya.
老妹 不错嘛 这家伙确实上的了台面
Wow, ash, not bad. This one actually casts a shadow.