我和厄尔以及将死的女孩

God! You know, people just assume that
瑞秋和我在约会
Rachel and I are dating.
我的人生要毁了
It's ruining my life.
今天我还威胁要性侵一个假娃娃
Today I threatened to sexually assault a fake baby.
又和斯考特·梅休成了死敌
And I became mortal enemies with Scott Mayhew.
这些都是瑞秋的错
Both of which are Rachel's fault.
抱歉这么说 但确实如此
Sorry, but they just are.
当然 我这么抱怨很混账
Of course I'm a dick for complaining about it.
我是说 我这么抱怨真是太混账
I mean, I am a dick for complaining about it.
我其实不是真心这么想
I didn't actually mean any of that.
你还是去玩她们的咪♥咪♥吧
Better play with them titties.
你觉得味道奇怪吗
Does this taste strange to you?
汤里有毒品
The soup had drugs.
麦卡锡一定在汤里加了大♥麻♥
McCarthy must've put weed in that soup
因为我的大脑现在一片混乱
because my brain is trying to eat itself.
天啊
Oh, my God.
我现在该去找瑞秋了
I have to go visit Rachel right now.
好 你去吧
Okay, well, you do that.
我去你家里 把你老爸的食物消灭干净
I'm gonna be at your house eatin' up all your dad's food.
不行 你得来帮我
No! You have to come help!
怎么帮
Help with what?
帮我
Help!
嘿 课堂上麦卡锡是不是表现得像
Hey, in class, do McCarthy act all, like,
磕嗨了
stoned and shit?
我不知道 大概吧
Uh, I don't know. I guess.
偶尔吧
Yeah, sometimes.
不只是偶尔
Well, not sometimes,
你知道我...你知道他这人
but you know what I'm... you know how he is.
该死的 小子
Goddamn, son.
你♥他♥妈♥整话都说不清了
You can't even put a full damn sentence together.
麦卡锡老师真是疯了才喝加毒品的汤
It's insane that Mr. McCarthy eats soup with drugs in it.
嘿 拜托了 老兄 说话小声点
Hey, come on, man, keep your damn voice down.
我们不能让人知道我们嗑药了
We can't tell anyone we're on drugs.
为什么不能
Why the hell not?
因为这样别人就知道了
Because then they'll know.
我谦逊的小耗子又来了
It's my humble little mouse.
这只小耗子伙伴又是谁
And who is his little mouse friend?
我叫厄尔·杰克森
Earl Jackson.
厄尔是我的合作伙伴 他这人很不错
Earl's just my coworker, and, uh, he's a great guy.
我们就是在这附近转悠
We were just walking around the neighborhood, you know.
也没什么事儿
Not really doing anything,
就是顺路过来打个招呼
and just wanted to come say "What's up?"
因为瑞秋就要剃光头了
'Cause Rachel's about to lose her hair.
我只是想说
Mmm. So, just wanted to say,
"掉了就掉了 没有了更好"
you know, "Bye, hair. Good riddance."
她光头会更漂亮 那是事实...
She's gonna look great without hair. That's a fact, so...
对 我只是来打声招呼
Yeah, I just wanted to say what's up.
瑞秋 有两只可爱的小耗子
Rachel! We've got two cute little mouse boys
在咱家门口想和你打招呼
on our doorstep that wanna say hi!
小耗子们...要来点奶酪吗
Would you two... mice like a little bit of cheese?
好
Okay.
我喜欢你的房♥间 瑞秋
I like your room, Rachel.
谢谢 格雷戈觉得这儿过于女气了
Thanks. Greg thinks it's too girly.
不 我喜欢女气 我觉得这样很好
No, I love girly, I think it's fine.
不是很女气啊
Well, it ain't too girly.
我见过有些房♥子是那样的"哟 粉红蓬松的狗屎"
I mean, I've seen some room like "Yo, this some pink puffy bullshit."
比如把哈罗凯蒂
I mean, Hello Kitty posters
和古铜色裸男的海报贴满墙
and chocolate and naked dudes all over the wall.
真是看得我想吐
They make me want to throw up for real.
就算你要吐 也别吐在这好吗
Hey, if you're gonna throw up, don't do it in here, okay?
这是她的房♥间
This is her room.
随便吧
Anyways.
瑞秋 我们就来看看你怎么样了
Rachel, we really just wanted to see how you was doin'.
谢谢
Thanks.
化疗 真的很糟糕
Yeah, chemotherapy. That really sucks.
格雷戈
Greg.
说什么鬼话呢 老兄 别说它糟糕 蠢货
What the hell, bro? Don't say it suck, dumb-ass!
化疗确实挺糟的
It does kinda suck.
话是这么说 可是你该做还是得去做
Yeah, but I mean, you gotta do what you gotta do.
大概是吧
Yeah, I guess.
听着 如果你们想走就走吧
Look, you guys can go if you want.
-我们嗑药了 -该死
-We're on drugs. -Oh, shit!
你们为什么嗑药
Why are you on drugs?
好吧 我们是不小心嗑的药
Well, we're accidentally on drugs.
"不小心"
"Accidentally"?
麦卡锡给了我们一点汤
McCarthy gave us some soup.
是麦卡锡分了我们一点他的
Well, McCarthy gave us some of his,
就是那种普通的正常的汤...
you know, just regular, normal soup...
可是结果那汤只剩一点
but then, it was the last of the soup.
所以我们就去餐馆...
So we had to go get some more...
再弄点来喝
from a restaurant,
餐馆在一栋办公楼5楼
on the fifth floor of an office building.
同一栋楼里
And in the same building,
还有牙买♥♥加大使♥馆♥...
there was a Jamaican Embassy...
结果我们和一个牙买♥♥加
And we ended up getting trapped
拉斯特法里教的人一起困在电梯里...
in an elevator with a Rastafarian guy...
他抽得整个电梯乌烟瘴气...
And he just hotboxed the whole elevator, so...
我们被困在那大概25分钟...
we were stuck in there for, like, 25 minutes...
被迫抽了难闻的大♥麻♥二手烟
And we had to breathe the weird marijuana air.
厄尔 是这样吧
Earl, am I right?
真是完美的复述
That's exactly what happened.
你们还真经历了场冒险
You guys had quite an adventure.
嗑药的感觉真的很差
Being on drugs just really sucks.
是和嗑药的人在一起的感觉很差
Being around people on drugs sucks.
真抱歉 眼下这真是糟透了 抱歉
This whole situation, really sorry, just sucks. I'm sorry.
你♥他♥妈♥有毛病吧
Yo, yo. What the hell is your problem, man?
道的这些歉和说的这些胡话
All apologetic and shit,
真♥他♥妈♥丢人
making shit 'bout your sorry ass.
听着 我们今天来这可不是搞这个的 好吗
Look, that's not what we came here to do. Okay?
你要真想帮忙 就带她出去
You wanna help, you gonna take this girl out
吃点冰淇淋
to get some ice cream.
我也要吃 我爱死冰淇淋了
And me, too, 'cause I love that shit.
你喜欢吃冰淇淋吗
You like ice cream?
喜欢
Yeah.
那你是上学的时候认识格雷戈的吗
So, you know Greg from class?
我很小的时候就认识这家伙了
I've known Greg ever since we were little.
那时候才念幼儿园 对吧
You know, I was in y'all kindergarten, right?
真的吗
Really?
我记得你
Mmm-hmm. I remember you.
你就是那个管贾斯汀·琼斯叫变♥态♥的女孩...
You was the girl who called Justin Jones perverted...
因为他给女孩们展示他屁♥股♥上的胎记
for showing girls the birthmark on his butt.
天啊 没错
Oh, my God, yes!
嗯 那小子跑过来
Yeah, dude came running up,
把屁♥股♥露给你看 你一脸淡定
showed you his butt. You were calm.
说"贾斯汀 只有变♥态♥才露屁♥股♥"
Said, "Justin, only perverts show their butts."
我当时在场
I was right there.
我真不敢相信你还记得
I can't believe you remember that.
你是个英雄 他再也不敢到处露屁♥股♥
You a hero. Shut his perverted ass right down.
我永远也忘不了
I never forget it.
你和格雷戈是合作伙伴
So you and Greg are coworkers?
不 我们是朋友
Naw, we friends.
他就是不肯把别人称作"朋友" 这小子有毛病
He just hates calling people his friend. Dude's got issues.
对 确实有毛病 什么原因
Yeah, he does. What's going on?
我也不懂 也许跟家人有关吧
Man, I don't even know. It might be his folks.
他老妈总告诉他
I mean, dude's mom always tellin' him
他长得有多帅 但其实他不帅
how handsome he is, which he ain't.
以至于他现在都不肯信任身边的人
So now he think he can't trust anybody close to him.
还有他那个奇怪的老爹
Dude's weird-ass dad
和什么人都不亲近 除了一只猫
don't socialize with anybody 'cept the cat.
所以那个榜样老爹一个朋友也没有
So that's a role model ain't got no friends.
结果就是 这小子特别怕