黑镜：圣诞特别篇（2014）

黑 镜
白色圣诞
《愿每天都是圣诞节》——巫师乐队
《I Wish It Could Be Christmas Everyday》—— Wizzard
♪当雪人带来飘零的雪花♪
♪When the snowman brings the snow♪
♪他会乐于知道♪
♪Well, he just might like to know♪
♪他让每个人都笑逐颜开♪
♪He's put a great, big smile on somebody's face♪
♪如果快快跳上♥床♥♪
♪If you jump into your bed♪
♪蒙起脑袋♪
♪Quickly cover up your head♪
♪不要锁上房♥门♪
♪Don't you lock the doors♪
♪因为最最好的圣诞老人马上就到♪
♪You know that sweet Santa Claus is on the way♪
♪愿每天都是圣诞节♪
♪Well, I wish it could be Christmas every day♪
♪孩子们放声高歌♥ 乐队奏起音乐♪
♪When the kids start singing and the band begins to play♪
♪哦 我愿每天都是圣诞节♪
♪Oh, I wish it could be Christmas every day♪
我正听得来劲呢
I was just getting into that.
你在做什么
What are you doing?
烤土豆啊
Roast potatoes.
准备过圣诞吧
We're doing Christmas.
圣诞
Christmas.
圣诞节 12月25日 听说过没
Christmas Day, December 25th. You've heard of it?
反正今天不用上班 酒在桌上自己拿
No work today, so the bottle's on the table.
我知道去年我们没买♥♥装饰品
I know we didn't have decorations last year. But, er...
因为我找不到这儿哪有卖♥♥
I couldn't find them last year.
这里的店都只卖♥♥生活必需品
They're only supposed to have stored essentials here.
竟然有人认为装饰彩条是"必需"的 真逗
I think it's kind of adorable someone thinks tinsel is essential.
我觉得咱俩一起吃个饭 喝个酒
I figured it'd be good for us to have a meal,
聊个天 能挺好的
a drink, talk...
对你好还是对我好
Good for you or me?
拜托 都五年了吧
Come on. What has it been, five years?
这么久以来你没对我说过超过三句话
How many sentences have you said to me? Three?
我是有点夸张了
I mean, I'm exaggerating... A little.
但是拜托 现在简直像
But, come on, there is a little bit of
对话干旱期似的
a conversational drought happening here.
我的耳朵都快渴死了
My ears need water.
我对聊天没兴趣
I'm not big on conversation.
熟能生巧
Practice makes perfect.
我可能会让你觉得无聊
Maybe I'll bore you.
兄弟 到了现在
Buddy, look, at this point,
能对大雪以外的东西感到无聊都很舒心了
being bored by anything other than snow would be a relief.
所以来吧
So come on.
随便聊聊
Chitchat.
交流什么的
Conversate... Something.
来吧 为了我
Come on, for me.
圣诞节嘛
For Christmas.
你想聊什么
What do you want to talk about?
你为什么会在这儿
Why are you here?
混到这儿的人
No-one ends up here
都是在外面活得一塌糊涂的人
without things going to total shit for them back out there.
这是工作 不是坐牢
It's a job, not a jail.
这两者时常并无差别
Often one and the same thing.
那么
So...
你在外面遭遇了什么
..What went wrong for you out there?
没什么
Nothing.
瞎说
Bullshit.
我又不是在审你
It's not an interrogation!
那你呢
What about you?
主动发问 有进步啊
An icebreaker. You're learning.
你遭遇了什么坏事
What went to shit for you?
你确定不想喝点
Sure you don't want that drink?
你是祸从口出惹上了麻烦吗
Did you talk your way into trouble?
差不多吧
In a roundabout way.
我靠和人说话挣钱
I talked to people. Made money from it.
你以前做什么的
Why? What were you?
洛杉矶交通高峰期的DJ吗
Some sort of a Los Angeles drive-time DJ?
我不是DJ
I was not a DJ.
更像是个导师
More like a guru.
你可别扯自己是个灵魂导师
Oh, don't say you were a spiritual guru.
我绝对不是灵魂导师
I was decidedly not a spiritual guru.
哈利 我连上了 你准备得怎样
'Hello, Harry. I'm through now. How are you doing?'
抱歉 我还没穿好衣服
Sorry, I'm not quite dressed yet.
别担心 我就是来帮你的
'Don't worry that's why I'm here.
让我看看你打算穿什么
'Just show me what you're planning on wearing
再做计划
'and we'll take things from there.'
这件怎样 -不行
How about this? - 'Doesn't work.'
蓝色太闷 不适合你 今晚不行
'It's boring blue and you're not boring blue. Not tonight.'
好吧 那这些里选哪件
Right. Which one of these is good?
我说了 白衬衫黑领带
Like I said, white shirt with a black tie
加一件修身灰西装
with a slim-cut grey jacket.
经典永不过时 明智之举
Classic, timeless. Smart.
我平时不♥穿♥西装
I don't usually do jackets.
你平时什么都不做
You don't usually do anything.
理理头发 有点乱
And sort out that hair, because...
好的
Ok.
记住我和你说过的那些呼吸窍门
Remember those breathing techniques we talked about, OK?
你会没事的
You're going to do fine.
会没事的
It's going to be fine.
她长得不错
She's cute.
是啊
Yes.
别说出来
Not out loud.
没问题
Absolutely.
你想大声说话的时候得挑个隐蔽的地方
You need to pick your spots when you want to talk out loud. Ok?
我看看 宴会厅在后面
OK. The function room is in the back.
相信我 如果你从容地走进去
Trust me, if you walk in there like you belong,
没人会找你麻烦
no-one's going to say anything.
好的
Ok.
你是干什么的 商业间谍吗
So what were you running, some corporate espionage outfit?
约会服务
Romantic services.
提供现场帮助
Boy meets girl thanks to...
让男孩成功约到女孩
"In-the-field assistance".
你教笨蛋怎么在单身酒吧泡妞吗
You coached dorks whilst they cruised singles bars.
单身酒吧太压抑了
Singles bars are depressing.
我们一般选普通的酒吧和俱乐部
We'd do regular bars and clubs.
但到了圣诞节 我们能闯入一些公♥司♥派对
But at Christmas time... we'd gate-crash office parties.
圣诞节的公♥司♥派对往往很有活力
See, there's this dynamic to Christmas work parties.
那些漂亮女人一整年来
All the attractive women have been surrounded by
身边都是办公室里那些屌♥丝
regulation office ass-clowns for the whole year,
现在她们终于能放松了
and now they want to let their hair down.
你是通俗心理学家吗
According to the pop psychologist.
我了解人的心理
So I know how the mind works.
别站得跟个路灯似的
Now, don't stand around like a lamppost.
去吧台
Walk over to the bar.
记住 永远带着目的行动
Remember. Always move with purpose.
还有谁
Yeah. Who's next?
我能要...
Yeah. Can I have a...?
三品脱啤酒 伏特加健怡可乐加一杯龙舌兰
Three pints, a vodka Diet Coke and a shot of tequila.
别管他 好吗
Yeah. Don't worry about him, all right?
趁着混♥蛋♥小队长正点马尿
Just grab one of those empty bottles off the bar
从吧台上拿个空瓶子
while Captain Douchebag orders his piss-water.
反正我们也只是需要一件道具
We're just going to need it for a prop anyway.
四周看看
Have a look around.
有看到中意的吗
See anything you like?
那个金发妞吗
What? The blonde?
那个深色头发的吗
The dark-haired girl?
这选择很有趣
Interesting choice.
直接走过去 但把注意力放在金发女身上
Go straight over, but focus on the blonde.
就现在 上吧
Now. Come on.
要有信心 你能做到的
Confidence. You can do this.
等等 我查查她们是谁
Hold on, just finding out who they are.
闲扯个开场白
OK, bullshit opener.
对那个金发女说马的段子
Try the horse story. At the blonde girl.
你们有没有看到外面有个人骑着马
Hey, so, did anyone see that guy outside riding the horse?
你看到了吗 -什么 一个骑马的人
Did you see him? - What? A guy on a horse?