黄阿丽：小眼镜蛇（2016）

我赢了
I won, you know?
我的朋友们还说
Another thing a lot of my friends said to me
当她们劝我不要孩子时
when they were discouraging me from having a kid,
她们说：“为什么你要要小孩？
they were like, "Why are you gonna have a kid?
你为什么不和你老公环游世界
Why don't you just travel the world with your husband
一辈子想干什么就干什么
and just do whatever you want for the rest of your lives
没有孩子的牵绊”
with no kid attached."
我说：“是挺有趣
I was like, "Yeah, that's cool...
在我老公没死以前”
until my husband dies."
他很可能死在我前头
Which he's definitely gonna before me.
因为我可是亚洲女人
Because I'm a Asian woman,
所以我一定可以长命百岁
and therefore, guaranteed to live until I'm a billion.
我保证
I'm guaranteed,
像加拉帕戈斯龟一样
like a turtle from the Galapagos, OK?
俗话说的好 黑人不显老
We all know the phrase "black don't crack."
亚洲人不翘脚
Well, Asian don't die.
我们不会死 特别是女人 我们长命百岁
We don't die. Especially the women, we live forever.
知道为什么我们开不好车吗？
And you know why we're such bad drivers?
因为我们想寻死
Because we're trying to die.
我们想着：“耶！让我看看 我到底有多无敌！”
We're like, "Yeah! Let me see how invincible I really am!"
“我要打左转灯 不去管右转的交通信♥号♥♥”
"Imma make this left hand turn signal and ignore this red light completely."
“我要右转 我改主意了 这里是U形转弯！”
"I'm gonna make a right turn-- I changed my mind, it's a U-turn!"
“我又改主意了 是360度转弯！”
"I changed my mind again. It's a O-turn!"
每次我出事故
Every time I get into a car accident...
我心想：“天啊 怎么又来了！”
I'm like, "Oh, my God, not again!"
我需要遮住我的脸 这样大家就看不见
I need to hide my face so that everybody doesn't see
因为大家都知道是个女司机
that it's what everybody thought it was gonna be.
太难堪了
So embarrassing.
我的丰田卡罗拉糟透了
My Toyota Corolla is a mess.
车的一侧是巨大的熊掌划痕
There's this huge bear claw scratch on the side
因为不晓得刮哪里的墙
from this aggressive brick wall that came out of nowhere.
在引擎罩上有好多手印
And then, on the hood, there's multiple hand prints
是行人提醒我留下的
from pedestrians who have had to alert me of their existence.
我不晓得自己是什么毛病
I don't know what's wrong with me,
但我还活着 对吧？
but I'm still here, you know?
我老了以后需要孩子们的陪伴
I need to have children to keep me company when I get older.
那很孤独
It's lonely.
我母亲80岁
My mom is 80,
她经历了严重的中年危机
going through a full blown mid-life crisis.
因为她知道她还要再活100年
'Cause she knows that she's got a century more to go.
她非常孤独
And she is so lonely.
她所有的白人朋友都死了
All of her white friends, dead.
她墨西哥的朋友也死了
Her Mexican friends, dead.
还有她的黑人朋友
Black friends, dead.
我开玩笑的 她没有黑人朋友
I'm just kidding. She doesn't have any black friends.
生活可不是电影《尖峰时刻》
Life is not Rush Hour, the movie, OK?
当我老了 当我像她一样老时
I need children to be there for me
我需要孩子的陪伴
when I'm older, when I get as old as her.
当我说我需要孩子的陪伴 我的意思是要他们为我买♥♥单
And when I say be there for me, I mean pay for me
那时我的丈夫已离开了我 不能再养我了
when my husband isn't around to support me anymore.
我不想变成那些靠捡破烂为生的 中国老太太
I'm not trying to be one of those old Chinese ladies
那不是我的归宿 好吗？
who recycles for a living. That's not my destiny, OK?
那些中国老太太才不在乎 她们不以为耻
Old Chinese ladies, they don't give a fuck. They got no shame.
她们想的就是：“我要捡破烂
They're like, "I'm just gonna recycle...
然后变秃头
go bald...
然后去公园做运动”
go to the park, do this shit."
他们做这个 因为不用花钱
They do that 'cause it's a free activity.
他们带着V型遮阳帽
For them. They do it in their-- their big-ass V. Stiviano visor,
带着盗墓者一样的头盔
their Darth Vader-Tomb Raider- Boba Fett helmet.
这些装备是为了防太阳辐射
They wear that to protect themselves from their arch-nemesis, the sun.
他们在跟太阳较劲 看谁先烧焦了
Their in a contest to see who's gonna burn out first.
亚洲老太太和太阳就像 少林武当一样势均力敌
Old Asian ladies and the sun are like the Tupac and Biggie of longevity.
我决定要孩子还因为
I also decided to have a kid because
我才33岁
uh, I'm only 33,
我知道并不算高龄产妇
which, I know, is not technically high-risk,
但是我的身体开始出现变化
but my body was starting to show signs of change.
我很害怕 我才33岁
And it-- And it scared me. Like, I'm only 33 and...
我的阴♥道♥就不像从前那般湿润
my pussy is not as wet as it used to be.
这让人士气低落
It's very demoralizing, OK?
你还记得当你18岁时
Do you remember when you were 18 years old,
你的阴♥道♥一直都是湿湿的？
and your pussy was just sopping wet all the time?
当时你不以为然
All the time, you just took it for granted
你可以随时把手伸进裤子里
that you could just reach your hand down your pants at any given moment,
过后比出胜利的手势
you throw up the peace sign afterwards,
手指间还残留着体液
and there would be that snail-trail in between your fingers.
天啊 水太多了
Oh, my God, it was so juicy.
你可以用它做泡泡棒
You could just blow a bubble wand with it, just...
像《捉鬼敢死队》一样 捉你 捉你
"I slime you, I slime you. Ghostbusters!"
我想象不出来自己会是什么样的母亲
I don't know what kind of mother I'm gonna be.
我33岁 的确采取了一些
I'm-- I'm 33, and I did have to get
科学手段怀孕
a little bit of science involved when trying to get pregnant.
很大原因
And a lot of that...
归咎于我自己
is most likely my fault.
因为当我20多岁时
Because, when I was in my 20s,
我吃事后避孕药像吃糖
I ate Plan B like skittles.
所以我的子♥宫♥恐怕和烟鬼的肺有一拼
So, my uterus probably looked like a smoker's lung.
我发现
And I found out
我的黄体激素惊人地低
that my progesterone levels were alarmingly low.
所以我不得不使用激素塞剂
So, then I had to take these hormone pills that were suppositories,
每晚上都塞
and Push Pop them up myself every single night.
然后当我上班 写《初来乍到》剧本时
And then, at my writing job, at Fresh Off The Boat,
我要在前面故事板上给同事讲解
I would be storyboarding in front of my co-workers,
有时 塞剂
and then, at some point, the pill would inevitably dissolve
会融化滴在内♥裤♥上
and melt into my underwear,
我得表现的若无其事
and I had to act like everything was OK,
但其实我很难受
when everything was clearly not OK.
塞剂的一个副作用是
And then, a side effect of the progesterone
让我觉得非常的痒
was that it made me extremely itchy.
所以我得找机会在会议桌下
So, then I had to find ways to discretely scratch myself
偷偷挠自己的下♥体♥ 同时控制自己
underneath the conference table, and then resist the urge
不要 立刻去闻手指的味道
to immediately smell my fingers afterwards.
我想闻自己的手指时
I want to be able to smell my fingers
我就要闻
when I wanna smell my own goddamn fingers.
家庭妇女挠完以后 闻一整天也没人管
Housewives, they can just scratch and sniff all day long.
她们吸地 挠挠下♥体♥ 然后闻闻手指
They just vacuum, scratch, sniff.
然后做个三明治 然后闻一闻
They make a sandwich. "Uh, mmm."
她们边看《地♥产♥兄弟》边挠 然后闻自己的手指
They watch Property Brothers, scratch, "What's crackin'? Mmm."
每次你们挠自己 你们想的都是
Every time you scratch yourself, all you can think about is,
“何时可以闻手指？ 何时可以闻上面的味道？
"When can I smell my fingers? When can I smell my fingers?
何时我可以若无其事地
When can I discretely find a way to..."
闻我手指上的味道？”
"smell my fingers?"
天性使然
Nature made you urgently curious
你要保护自己 要时刻留意自己的味道
to protect you, 'cause you gotta check that it's all good in the hood.
如果发现味道不对 你该去看医生
If it's too funky, you need to see a doctor.
你的手指就是先遣医生
Your fingers are your first WebMD.
当我和老公努力造人时
When my husband and I were trying to have a kid,
许多人说：“天啊 太火热了
a lot of people were like, "Oh, my God, that's so hot.
你俩一定没少做♥爱♥？”
You guys doin' a lot of fuckin'?"
不 朋友 那是20岁的人做的事
No, dude. That's-- That's shit you do in your 20s, OK?
当你30多岁
When in-- When you're in your 30s,
尝试受孕一阵子后 一切像临床科研一样
and you've been trying to get pregnant for a while, it gets very clinical.
你在排卵试纸上尿尿 它会告诉你何时排卵
You pee on these ovulation strips that tell you when the eggs are droppin'.
它还会告诉你是复活节时间
It tells you when it's Easter time.
我只在复活节时间才跟他做♥爱♥
And I would only fuck him when it was Easter time.
一个月里只有四天
It was, like, only four days out of the month, and outside of that,
其余时间我们不做♥爱♥
I would be like, "We're not fuckin'.
我需要你养精蓄锐
I need you to save it.
我要你的精♥子♥被压抑得
I want your sperm to be as pent-up,
无法控制
and as angry and rapey as possible.
所以一旦它们被释放出来 就像是出笼猛虎
So that, when they come out, it's like, 'Release the Kraken!'"