极品基老伴（2013）

我和你玩完儿了 我受够你了 你这坨悲催的老狗屎
I'm done with this! I'm tired of you, you miserable old shit!
-那么婚礼取消 -婚礼取消
- So no wedding? - No wedding!
-谢天谢地 -我们结束了 弗雷德
- Oh, thank God. - We're through, Freddie!
我说结束才结束
We're through when I say we're through!
现在我说"结束了"
And I say we're through!
早上好
Morning.
早上好 亲爱的
Morning, darling.
你们居然分手 我太不适应了
It just seems so strange, the two of you separating.
你们就像一个荚里的两粒老豆
You're like two peas in a pod.
要是豆子也会彼此撕逼的话
If peas could be horribly cruel to each other.
我看这次是复合无望了
I really can't see us getting back together this time.
我们走后 你们在单身趴又嗨了多久
How long did you stay at the stag party after we left?
等等 你没有睡你带来那男的吧
Wait. You didn't sleep with that man you brought to the party?
没有 我睡的不是他
No. I did not sleep with that man.
我还是不敢相信斯图尔特昨晚的行径
I still can't believe Stuart's behaviour last night.
好吧 我们结束了
Well, we're through.
你老说我们长不了 这下果然应验了
You always said we wouldn't last and you were right.
-我没说过啊 -你的眼神出♥卖♥♥♥了你
-I never said that. -You said it with your eyes.
你到底是怎么了
What the hell is wrong with you?
你整个早上都神经兮兮的
You've been acting strangely all morning.
你昨晚没有和克洛伊来一发复合炮吗
You didn't get back together with Chloe last night, did you?
没有 昨晚可不是这个情节
No, that's not what happened last night.
你确定吗
Are you sure?
我现在什么都不确定了
I'm not really sure about anything any more.
-哦 -哦
- Oh. - Oh.
-哦 -唔
- Oh. - Ohh...
艾什 烦请过问斯图尔特
Ash, will you please ask Stuart
他今晚准备露宿何处
where he'll be staying this evening?
因为我的公♥寓♥再也不欢迎他留宿
Since he is no longer welcome to stay at my flat.
斯图尔特 今晚你打算在哪里过夜
Stuart, where are you going to stay tonight?
烦劳转告弗雷迪
Would you tell Freddie that
我今后不再叨扰
I won't be inconveniencing him any longer?
我会搬到楼上和你住
And I will be moving upstairs with you.
你要跟我住吗
You're going to stay with me?
既然你诚心诚意坚持 那我就勉为其难答应了 你可以转告弗雷迪吗
Now that you insist, yes. Can you tell Freddie that, please?
他要和我一起住
He's staying with me.
但愿你能忍♥受从午夜到凌晨六点
I hope you like the sound of someone
伴着不间断嗽嗓子吐痰到纸巾上的背景音入眠
coughing phlegm into a tissue from midnight till 6 A.M.
既然斯图尔特和艾什一起住
Since Stuart is going to be staying with Ash,
也许我可以和你住 亲爱的
perhaps I can stay with you, darling.
我的公♥寓♥正在进行些小装♥修♥
I'm having some work done on my flat.
他们说会在墙体填上石棉
They say it's riddled with asbestos.
显然 在那呆下去我会命不久矣
Apparently, I shouldn't even be alive.
你当然可以跟我住 小维
Of course you can stay with me, Vi.
我希望你认识到为客之道
I want you to think of yourself as a guest.
艾什 似乎我会在你的正下方
So, Ash, it looks like I'll be right below you.
而你会在...我的上面
And you'll be... on top of me.
你们两个搞什么鬼
What is it with you two?
-有什么事... -太忧伤了...
- Did something... - It's so sad...
你们都老无所依
..That you're all alone and
还分手了 而且也许再也找不到伴了
broken up and you might never find anybody again.
走吧 我们回家
Come on, let's go home.
天哪 告诉我美丽依旧
Oh, God, tell me I'm still pretty!
弗雷迪 茶沏好了
Freddie, tea's ready!
听了50年斯图尔特的高八度尖声叫唤
After 50 years of Stuart's high-pitched, octave-defying squeaks,
终于听到一个爷们的声音
it's so refreshing to
召唤我去喝茶 真是精神倍儿爽
finally be summoned to tea by a man's voice.
哦 谢谢
Oh... Thank you?
你穿的是什么啊
What are you wearing?
是斯图尔特的旧大衣吗
Is that one of Stuart's old blouses?
-还是和你更搭 -你的赞许让我非常凌乱
- Well, it looks better on you. - Your compliments are very confusing.
我一直在想
I've been thinking.
既然我又单身了 我该开始约了
Now that I'm single again, I should start dating.
当然 要找年龄合适的
Somebody age-appropriate, of course.
比如 35岁以上的
Say... 35-ish.
但不要超过40岁
But nobody over 40.
年老色衰的 朕接受不了
That would be revolting.
如果你是认真的 我会帮你介绍的
If you're really serious, I can always introduce you to someone.
但你不是只认识混球和渣渣吗 小维
But don't you only know scumbags and degenerates, Vi?
我想也是
I believe so.
你泡的时间太久了 我喜欢刚好三分钟的
You let this brew too long. I like it exactly three minutes.
-你有计时吗 -没有
- Did you use the timer? - No.
哦了 所以才难以下咽
I see. That's why it's undrinkable.
那你把我这杯孝敬下水道喝吧
Would you pour that down the drain for me, please?
当然 等我先把我的喝完
Of course. Let me just have my tea first.
好的 你随意 亲爱的
Yes, you take your time, dear.
我为什么不现在就去呢
Why don't I do it now?
如你所愿
As you wish.
小维 有个很有意思的差事估计你会有兴趣
You know what might be an amusing thing for you to do, Vi?
-什么 -泡一杯让我满意的茶
- What? - Make me a proper cup of tea.
而且我还列了一份
And I also left a list of
家务清单 你可以抽空做做
chores for you to do whenever you get around to it.
好吧 亲爱的
All right, darling.
真混♥蛋♥
What a dick!
我听到咯
I heard that!
我给我们泡了茶
I've made us some tea.
如果你要继续和你的朋友发短♥信♥ 而让我坐在这里
If you want to keep texting your friends while I sit here,
白♥痴♥一样跟墙眼神交流
staring at the wall like an idiot...
那样也很有趣
..That's fine too.
那么 你要在住多久呢
So... How long do you think you'll be staying?
并不是说你在这呆着不好
Not that it hasn't been super having you here.
只要等到我双脚落地 翻身而起
Only till I get back on my feet.
-好的 -最多一年
- OK. - A year at most.
那一只脚着地要多久呢
How long to get back on just one foot?
我在想 我应该开始约起了
I was thinking, I should start dating again.
你谁都不认识 对吧
You don't know anybody, do you?
而且年龄不是问题
And age doesn't matter.
只是个数字而已
It's only a number.
有个家伙常来我工作的咖啡店
There's a guy who comes into the coffee shop where I work.
他真心不错
He's really sweet.
我估计有70多吧
I think he's in his seventies.
70多
Seventies?!
我才不跟70多的人约会
I'm not dating somebody in their seventies!
可你也70多啊
Well, you're in your seventies.
没错 但我看着才50
Yes, but I look 50.
你跟弗雷迪聊过吗 我好奇他怎么折磨维奥莱特的
Have you spoken to Freddie? I wonder how he's doing with Violet.
-并不是关心 -其实我没聊过
- Not that I care. - I haven't actually.
那维奥莱特呢 见过吗
What about Violet? Have you seen her?
见维奥莱特 什么时候 你胡说啥呢
Seen Violet? When? What are you talking about?
为什么每次我一提维奥莱特 你就手足无措行为诡异
Why do you behave so oddly every time I mention Violet?
我才没有行为诡异
I don't behave oddly!
你明明就有
Yes, you do.
然后你就转移话题 混淆视听
Then you try to confuse me by changing the subject.
哪里 我才没有
No, I don't!
对了 你看起来才年过半百
And you totally look 50, by the way.
我常跟朋友说 "我希望到了斯图尔特的年纪 也能像他一样容光焕发"
I was saying to friends, 'I hope, when I'm Stuart's age, I look that amazing.'
真的吗 哪些朋友啊 我认不认识 他们怎么说呢
Really? What friends? Do I know them? What did they say?
我给他们看照片 他们说 他看起来才40
I showed them a picture and they were like 'He looks 40!'
40!
噢 我的老天呐
Oh, my! Well...
噢
Oh!
我已经完全忘了我们刚在聊啥
I've totally forgotten what we were talking about.
嗯啊 我也忘了
Yeah, so have I.
艾什 你今天上班的时候
Ash, when you are at work today,
介意我对这公♥寓♥...
would you mind if I made a few...
略微布置一下吗
..tiny tweaks around the flat?
我想这样也不错
I guess that would be OK.
我敢打包票 你根本察觉不到哪里有变化
You wouldn't even notice. I promise.
斯图尔特
Stuart...
你把我的房♥间给怎么了
What did you do to my flat?!
要是我做得过火了 你可得原谅我