憨豆警局（1995）

Next we'll get one of them double hot plates with two coffee pots on it.
两个咖啡壶……
Two coffee pots...
一个警♥察♥拿着两个罐子!
A cop with two pots!
-喂，兄弟!-不许动，妈妈!
- Yo, brother! - Freeze, mother!
把它…阿姨。
Drop it... Auntie.
在我们死之前就一次
Just once before we die
我想让我们一起脱夹克
I'd like us to take our jackets off together
还要带上肩套。
And be wearing shoulder holsters.
一次只走一步。我们有饮水机。
Once step at a time. We've got our water cooler.
处♥女♥杯。
The virgin cup.
博伊尔，这东西里没水了。
Boyle, I can't get any water out of this thing.
我知道，不管用。我给那家伙打了电♥话♥。
I know, it don't work. I called the bloke.
哈比卜，
Now then, Habib,
关于一个极其敏感的领域，我想听听你的建议。
I want your advice about an extremely sensitive area.
坦白说，这困扰了我一段时间，
Quite frankly, it's been bothering me for some time,
我只是不想再坐在这上面了。
And I just don't want to sit on it any longer.
哦，我明白了，先生。
Oh, I see, sir.
我爸爸用一种叫直肠醇的油腻面霜。
My dad uses this greasy cream called rectinol.
但有时他仍然需要一个特殊的缓冲。
But sometimes he still has to have a special cushion.
-你说什么?-痔疮，先生，
- I beg your pardon? - Hemorrhoids, sir,
打扰你的敏感部位。
Bothering your sensitive area.
我说的不是痔疮，你这个傻警♥察♥。
I'm not talking about hemorrhoids, you silly young constable.
对不起,先生。
Sorry, sir.
你说直肠醇?
Rectinol, you say?
现在，就像我说的，
Now then, as I was saying,
这个敏感问题…
This sensitive matter...
如果一个人在考虑
If a man were considering
向一个女人求婚
Proposing marriage to a woman-
当然，我说的是一个假想的人，
And I am, of course, talking about a hypothetical man,
还有一个同样假想的女人
And an equally hypothetical woman-
不会有太多的性生活，对吧?
Not going to be much of a sex life, is it?
反正也不是。我的意思是……
It isn't anyway. I mean...
假设地说。
Hypothetically- hypothetically speaking.
然而——不管怎样——
However- howsoever that may be-
你觉得这个假想的女人怎么样
How do you think this hypothetical woman
希望被接近吗?
Would wish to be approached?
嗯,就我个人而言,
Well, personally,
我认为婚姻是个过时的制度。
I think marriage is an outmoded institution.
但是所有的女人都喜欢浪漫一点。
But all woman like a bit of romance.
蜡烛，鲜花，美餐。
You know, candles, flowers, nice meal.
当你们卿卿我我的时候
Then when you're all lovey-dovey,
你单膝跪地，建议做艾滋病检测。
You go down on one knee and suggest an aids test.
-还有艾滋病测试?!-当然，先生。
- And aids test?! - Of course, sir.
这就是现在的做法。
That's how it's done these days.
想想看——假设地说——
Think about it- hypothetically speaking-
如果我接受你的求婚
If I accept your proposal,
我可能会感染hiv，疱疹，淋病。
I could catch H.I.V., herpes, gonorrhea.
啊,帕特丽夏……
Ah, Patricia...
我们正在讨论……
We were just discussing...
抓住……
Catching...
那个臭名昭著的阿根廷珠宝大盗
That notorious argentinean jewel thief,
嗯…雨果……
Uh... Hugo...
Ignatiev文森特
Ignatiev Vincente
herpes-gonorrhea。
herpes-gonorrhea.
呃，你，呃…
Uh, you, uh...
你可能在《警♥察♥评论》上读到过他
You might have read about him in "the police review."
是五月号♥吗?
Was it the May issue?
雷蒙德，你向哈比布警官提议什么?
Raymond, what were you proposing to constable Habib?
没什么,中士。
Nothing, sergeant.
我们正在讨论格里姆探长结婚20周年纪念日，
We were just discussing inspector Grim's 20th wedding anniversary,
说求婚方式变了多少。
Saying how much marriage proposals have changed.
现在的男人都要带医疗证明。
These days a bloke has to bring along a medical certificate.
我觉得女人更喜欢蜡烛、鲜花和葡萄酒。
I think women prefer candles, flowers and wine.
20年。
20 years.
20岁可怜的蒂娜·格里姆
20 years poor old Tina Grim
不得不忍♥受她可怕的丈夫。
Has had to put up with her appalling husband.
你能想象年复一年是什么感觉吗
Can you imagine what it must be like, year after year
还是那个无聊恼人的老家伙?
With the same dull irritating old bore?
是的。
Yes.
并不是说婚姻不是一种美好而光荣的财产。
Not that marriage isn't a fine and honorable estate.
我不能让格里姆成为榜样
I mustn't let Grim's example
让整个机构都讨厌我，
Sour me to the entire institution,
也不是我自己婚姻的失败。
Nor indeed the failure of my own marriage.
我年轻，我狂野。
I was young, I was wild.
她怀孕了。
She was pregnant.
是的，我得承认我的知识
Yes, I have to confess that my knowledge
节育的节奏方法
Of the rhythm method of contraception
相当不完整。
Was rather incomplete.
好吧，你现在已经掌握了。
Well, you've certainly mastered it now.
只要把一个月里的所有日子加起来
Just add up all the days of the month
然后不要在任何一个上面做。
And then don't do it on any of them.
警♥察♥……
Constable...
你能陪我去鉴证科吗?
Would you mind accompanying me to the C.I.D. area?
我可以给你点点心
I'd offer you some refreshment,
但不幸的是，我的嘴不太好。
But sadly, I have a dysfunctional spout.
我想听听你的意见
I'd like to ask your advice
关于……
On a matter pertaining to...
女性。
women.
因为你是其中一员。
What with you being one and all.
-你说得对，先生-只是
- Right you are, sir. - It's just,
我的蒂娜在期待一些特别的东西
My Tina is expecting something special
让我兴奋的是，
And exciting from me,
我有个问题——它一年才来一次。
And I've got a problem- it comes once a year.
哦亲爱的。
Oh dear.
我知道这是个问题。
Well, I can see that would be a problem.
不过别担心，先生，像你这个年纪的男人阳痿很常见。
But don't worry, sir, impotence is very common in men of your age.
我在《Cosmopolitan》杂♥志♥上读到
I read in "Cosmopolitan"
你可以买♥♥到一种叫"坚持住"的面霜
That there's this cream you can buy called "keep it up"--
我说的不是阳痿，警官。
I'm not talking about impotence, constable.
哦。对不起,先生。
Oh. Sorry, sir.
“坚持下去”……
"Keep it up"...
现在问题是，
Now the problem is,
我想你知道，明天是我和蒂娜的
As I think you know, tomorrow is me and my Tina's
结婚20周年纪念，
20th wedding anniversary,
所以我想我得给她买♥♥点东西。
So I suppose I've got to get her something.
太好了，先生。
It would be nice, sir.
有那么多毫无意义的空洞姿态
It's extraordinary how much meaningless empty gestures
对女人这么刻薄，不是吗?
Mean to a woman, isn't it?
嗯，有些女孩喜欢它们。
Well, some girls like them.
问题是我能得到什么?
The question is what shall I get?
你一点主意都没有吗?
Haven't you any ideas at all?
恰恰相反，太多的想法。我左右为难。
Quite the opposite, too many ideas. I'm torn.
我在一盒“牛奶托盘”
I'm torn between a box of "milk tray"
还有一盒“牛奶盒”。
And a box of "dairy box."
她喜欢柠檬桶，
She likes the lime barrel out of one,
焦糖杯从另一个杯子里拿出来。
And the caramel cup out of the other.
你怎么看?
What do you think?
也许你应该把两个都给她。
Perhaps you should get her both.
两个? !
Both?!
你看到了什么?该死的女人!
You see? Bloody women!
完全不可理喻，你们这些人。
Totally unreasonable, the lot of you.
现在有结婚的传言。
Marriage is in the air at the moment.
你知道吗，
Do you know,
我想是福勒探长
I think inspector Fowler's
考虑向道金斯中士求婚。
Thinking about proposing to sergeant Dawkins.
哦，那不是很好吗?
Oh, wouldn't that be nice?
我喜欢婚礼!
I love a wedding!
除了牧师说，
Except for the bit where the vicar says,
“有人反对吗?”
"does anyone have any objections?"
让我很紧张。
Makes me so tense.
我总是在想，“天啊，我希望我不会说出去!”