憨豆警局（1995）

We will be helping little kiddies.
不是高傲，是高贵，挺住你的屁♥股♥，
Not haughty, hoity- stick-it-up-your-toity,
tight-nosed高层,
High-and-mighty, tight-nosed,
Toffee-arsed sun-dried-tomato-eating,
Toffee-arsed, sun-dried-tomato-eating,
la di da di la-di-dahs。
La-di-da-di la-di-dahs.
是的，让我们希望一些彩票的钱
Yes, well let us hope that some of the lottery money
去帮助那些不可救药的疯子。
Goes to aiding the incurably insane.
这样的话，你就可以拿回你的钱了。
In which case you'll get your money back.
哈比卜说对了一件事
Habib is right about one thing-
如果我们自己也是种族主义者，警♥察♥就无法打击种族主义。
The police cannot fight racism if we are racist ourselves.
这在很大程度上是五十步笑百步的问题。
It would be very much a matter of the pot calling the kettle...
嗯…
Um...
嗯…
Uh...
非裔美国人。
African-american.
那么，我们到底有多种族歧视呢?
So- how racist are we?
好吧，为了找到答案，我提议当火星人。
Well, in order to find out, I propose to be a Martian.
想象一下，我刚刚在我的太空舱里微笑着，加入了警♥察♥队伍。
Imagine that I've just beamed down in my space podule and joined the police.
对不起，先生……如果你只是在你的脚踏板上微笑，
Excuse me, sir... If you just beamed down in your podule,
你不会加入任何组织
You wouldn't be joining anything
根据移♥民♥法，你会被拘留，被困在临时营地。
You'd be detained under the immigration act, and stuck in a transit camp.
-我已经申请了庇护。-你的理由是什么?
- I have applied for asylum. - What are your grounds?
我是个火星异议者，哈比卜，
I am a martian dissident, Habib,
他引起了火星当局的不满，
Who has incurred the displeasure of the martian authorities,
通过抗♥议♥美国人
By protesting against the americans
再拍些我们气体排放的模糊照片。
Taking any more fuzzy photographs of our gaseous emissions.
如果我回到火星，我会被谋杀。
If I return to Mars I will be murdered.
内政部希望你能证明你会被谋杀，先生。
The home office will expect you to prove you'll be murdered, sir.
正常的方法是把你送回去
The normal method is to send you back
如果你被杀了，他们就会承认你说的是实话。
And if you get murdered, they'll admit you were telling the truth.
好了，我已经躺在我的脚凳上，
All right, I have beamed down in my podule,
申请庇护，
Applied for asylum,
被拒绝，躲进教堂，
Been refused, taken refuge in a church,
成为一场大规模抗♥议♥活动的焦点
And become the focus of a major protest campaign
由不愉快的喜剧演员表演的慈善音乐会资助
Funded by a charity concert performed by unpleasant comedians
认为骂人很聪明的人。
Who think it's clever to swear.
我上诉反对驱逐出境，但失败了，
I have appealed against deportation and lost,
无论是在高等法♥院♥还是在上议院，
Both in the high court and in the house of lords,
但在海牙法庭上胜诉了。
But won at the court of justice in the Hague.
我娶了一个来自索利赫尔的可爱姑娘
I have married a sweet girl from Solihull
谁不反对我那三个跳动着的巨大脑袋呢
Who did not object to my three enormous pulsating heads
浑身都是黏黏的静脉，
With sticky out veins all over them,
我已经在加斯福斯定居了，在夜校完成了a -level考试，
I have settled in Gasforth, done my A-levels at night school,
买♥♥了一颗二手达特桑樱桃，加入了警♥察♥队伍。
Bought a secondhand Datsun cherry and joined the police force.
满意吗?
Satisfied?
这不是我说了算的，先生，这是总公♥司♥说了算。
Well, it's not up to me, sir. It's up to the home office.
他们很高兴。
Well they are delighted.
现在，也许我们可以继续了。
Now, perhaps we can move on.
如果你愿意，试着想象一下你的新同事。
Try if you would, to picture your new colleague.
我们都知道，火星人
Martians, as we all know,
是绿色的，叫佐格。
Are green and called Zog.
我已经提到了三个巨大的头，
I've already mentioned the three enormous heads,
再加上这15英寸长的颤动手指，
Add to this 15-inch long pulsating fingers,
多条腿和闪烁的肚脐。
Multiple legs and a flashing belly button.
今天是我第一天服役
It's my first day in the service
我正要进入简报室。
And I'm about to enter the briefing room.
你得想象它的多个头和腿
You'll have to imagine the multiple heads and the legs
还有闪烁的肚脐。
And the flashing belly button.
你好。
Hello.
我是佐格警官。
My name is constable Zog.
我今天和你一起巡逻。
I'm patrolling the beat with you today.
我希望我们能成为朋友。
I hope we shall be friends.
好吧，古迪，你有什么反应?
All right, Goody, what would be your reaction?
-我只是在想象。-很好很好。
- I'm just trying to imagine it now. - Good, good.
这三个头——
These three heads-
每个人都戴头盔吗?
Do you have a helmet on each one?
是的，是的，如果你愿意的话。跟我打招呼，孩子，跟我打招呼。
Yes, yes, if you like. Just greet me, boy, greet me.
你好，你好，你好。
Hello, hello, hello.
我的观点得到了说明。
And so my point is illustrated.
古迪只能考虑我的体型。
Goody can only consider my shape.
啊——并非如此，先生。
Ah- not so, sir.
我也在想你有多环保。
I'm also thinking about how green you are.
这也是不可接受的。你一定是色盲。
And that is not acceptable either. You must be color-blind.
我觉得你应该庆祝你的绿色，
I think you should be celebrating your greenness,
-别指望我们会无视它。-是的，你说得对，哈比卜。
- Not hoping that we'll ignore it. - Yes, you're right, Habib.
我必须更加自信。好了，开始吧。
I must be more assertive. Right, here we go.
你好，我是佐格，我来自火星。
Hello, I'm Zog, I'm from Mars.
习惯它吧。
Get used to it.
你好，你好，我是凯文，来自贝辛斯托克城外，
Hello, hello, I'm Kevin from just outside Basingstoke,
给我5，不给我10，不，15,20-
And give me five, no give me 10, no 15, 20-
好吧，坐下吧，古迪。
Yes all right, just sit down, Goody.
坐下来。
Sit down.
现在太好啦…
Now Goody...
古迪，今天是我第一天上班。
Now Goody, this is my first day at work.
-我是你的新同事-不客气不客气不客气
- I'm your new colleague- - welcome, welcome, welcome.
谢谢你！你有一杯茶……
Thank you. You've got a cup of tea...
——是的。-…我有三杯可可。
- Yes. - ...I've got three cups of cocoa.
现在，你能给我一些友好的建议吗?
Now, what friendly tips could you pass on to me?
-绝对诚实?——是的。
- Absolutely honestly? - Yes.
好吧，我想说的是
Right, I'd say this-
小心福勒探长，他是个脾气暴躁的老家伙
Watch out for inspector Fowler, he's a grumpy old git
只要有一丝机会，他就会鞭打你的卷毛。
And given half a chance he'll whip your Curly Wurly.
听着，我们离题了。
Look, we are deviating from the point.
我只是想证明所有男人，
I'm simply trying to establish that all men,
他们是火星人，毛里求斯人，还是曼彻斯特人，
Be they Martian, Mauritian, or Mancunian,
-人生而平等。-都是男人?
- Are born equal. - All men?
哈!所以这个火星人是个性别歧视者，是吗?
Huh! So this Martian is a sexist, is he?
-惊喜，惊喜。-听着，我们不是在谈论任何人的性别，哈比卜。
- Surprise, surprise. - Look, we are not talking about anybody's sex, Habib.
和火星人做♥爱♥，听起来不错。
Sex with a Martian, sounds great to me.
对我来说不是。三个正面说，
Not to me. Three head saying,
“我头疼，我头疼，我头疼。”
"I've got a headache, I've got a headache, I've got a headache."
注意，那些颤动的手指听起来不错。
Mind you, those pulsating fingers sound all right.
这个火星人是无性的，哈比卜。
This Martian is asexual, Habib.
要我说，是性♥爱♥机器。
A sexual machine if you ask me.
你自己也说了，先生，你头上都是青筋。
You said so yourself, sir, you've got veins popping out all over your head.
你的两条腿之间藏着什么，先生?
What have you got lurking between those multiple legs, sir?
听着，我们不是在讨论性或性别歧视。
Look, look, we are not discussing sex or sexism.
我只是说人人生而平等，
I merely stated that all men are created equal,
我说的男人，哈比卜，当然是指，
And by men, Habib, I mean of course,
男性和异性。
Men and persons of the opposite sex.
异性吗?对不起，先生，
Opposite sex? I'm sorry, sir,
而是根据一个性别相对于另一个性别的位置来定义
But defining one sex in terms of its position to the other
是性别歧视，在地球上，火星上，土星上，或任何其他星球上。
Is sexism, on Earth, Mars, Saturn, or any other planet.
我有一个关于天王星的搞笑笑话。
I've got a hilarious joke about Uranus.
不，你不需要，古迪。你知道我的肛♥门♥有个可悲的双关语吗。
No you don't, Goody. You know a pathetic pun about my anus.
我是说你的肛♥门♥。
I mean your anus.
我是说有个粗鲁名字的星球。真的吗，哈比卜，
I mean the planet with the rude name. Oh really, Habib,
看你把这孩子弄糊涂了。
Look how you've confused the boy.
性别歧视就是性别歧视，先生。
Sexism is sexism, sir.
正确的。
Right.
帕特里夏，我需要你的支持。
Patricia, I require your support.
哈比布警官和我在讨论性♥爱♥姿势。
Constable Habib and I are discussing sexual positions.
我要你向她保证，我只知道一个人。
And I want you to assure her that I know only one.
雷蒙德，你在说什么?
Raymond, what are you talking about?
性别歧视，这是一个祸害。
Sexual discrimination, which is a scourge.
我希望警官，你和我一起生活了11年，
And I hope sergeant, that having lived with me for 11 years,
你可以保证，当涉及到女人的时候，
You can vouch for the fact that when it comes to women,
我完全没有歧视。
I'm not remotely discriminating.
福勒，你能不能小声点?
Fowler, can you keep your fannying about down?
警♥察♥的工作是针对坏人，而不是主义。
Police work is about villains, not isms.
还有什么主义抢劫过一个老太太?
And what ism ever mugged an old lady?
哪个主义抢劫过银行?