憨豆警局（1995）

大家晚上好。
Good evening, everybody.
现在看来
These days it seems
人们为了上电视几乎什么都愿意做:
People will do almost anything to get on television:
站在新闻记者后面，口型说"你好，妈妈"
Stand behind news reporters mouthing, "Hello, mom"
故意购买♥♥过期的酸奶
Deliberately buy yogurts that are past their sell-by date
这样他们就可以向安妮·罗宾逊抱怨，
So they can complain to Anne Robinson,
或者拍下他们的宠物被花♥园♥秋千打晕的视频
Or video their pets being knocked unconscious by garden swings
希望《你被陷害了》的制♥作♥人
In the hope that the producer of "you've been framed"
会相信它是自发的。
Will believe it to be spontaneous.
名声是动力。
Fame is the spur.
但是名誉，正如我们将要看到的，
But fame, as we shall see,
就像烤箱里的冷冻餐
Is like an oven-ready frozen meal for one-
不像看起来的那么好。
Not as nice as it looks.
原谅我。
Excuse me.
我一直在看电♥话♥号♥码
I've been looking though the number
你所颁发的持枪证书
Of firearm certificates you've issued
在过去几年里，福勒。
In the last couple of years, Fowler.
啊，是的，我想你会发现它是一个很好的整数。
Ah, yes, I think you'll find it comes to a goodly round number.
是的，没有。
Yes, it does- none.
没错，不多不少。
That's right- no more, no less.
92个赞助申请，
92 sponsored applications,
-不接受。-没错。
- None accepted. - That is correct.
包括我赞助的那个家伙。
Including the bloke I sponsored.
或者更准确地说，尤其是你资助的那个家伙。
Or more accurately, particularly the bloke you sponsored.
他是我们分会的主要流浪汉。
He is the chief todger of my lodge.
如果我不能给他弄到许可证，
If I can't swing him a permit,
我会看起来像个混♥蛋♥，不是吗?
I'm gonna look a right dicky doo-dah, aren't I?
我不同意枪♥支♥申请
I do not approve firearms applications
为了不让你看起来像个混♥蛋♥。
In order to prevent you from looking a dicky doo-dah.
除此之外，我还可以给他发巡航导弹许可证，
Besides which, I could issue the fellow a cruise missile permit,
你还是会看起来像个混♥蛋♥。
And you would still look like a dicky doo-dah.
我无权阻止你
It is not within my power to prevent you
别让自己看起来像个混♥蛋♥。
From looking like a dicky doo-dah.
只有上帝或大袋子才能做到。
Only god or a large bag could do that.
审查申请是你的工作。
It is your job to vet the applications.
你应该问问题
You're supposed to ask questions
找出谁是持枪的合适人选。
To find out who's a suitable person to own a gun.
这是正确的。第一个问题肯定是，
That's right. Surely the first question must be,
-那个人想拥有一把枪吗?-当然。
- Does that person wish to own a gun? - Of course.
如果答案是肯定的，
And if the answer to that is yes,
那么很明显那个人不适合拥有一个。
Then clearly that person is not suitable to have one.
这就是疯狂的保姆国家。
This is the nanny state gone mad.
什么，因为我根本没想过
What, because I don't happen to think
他住在郊区的半挂车里
That a man who lives in a suburban semi
需要自动武器?
Needs an automatic weapon?
他是个运动员。
He's a sportsman.
那就让他买♥♥双帆布鞋。
Then tell him to buy a pair of plimsolls.
运动?运动?
Sport? Sport?
你上次在加斯福斯看到野猪是什么时候?
When did you last see a wild boar in Gasforth?
或者麋鹿?
Or an elk?
如果有，就用矛或箭把它干掉
If you did, dispatching it with a spear or an arrow
这很好玩。
Would be sport.
但部署寻鹿导弹只是作弊。
But deploying an elk-seeking missile is just cheating.
这是一个公民自♥由♥问题。
This is a civil liberties issue.
你这是在剥夺我儿子的权利。
You are denying my todger his rights.
那些人的权利呢
And what about the rights of those
谁不希望住在一个持枪的人旁边呢?
Who do not wish to live next to an armed man?
尤其是一个每周都参加秘密会议的人
Particularly one who attends weekly secret meetings
他穿上裙子，亲吻一只死火鸡的屁♥股♥?
In which he puts on a dress and kisses a dead turkey's bottom?
我们只在特殊场合亲吻火鸡的屁♥股♥。
We only kiss the turkey's bottom on special occasions.
通常我们会吃鸡块。
Normally we might do with a chicken nugget.
我说的是个人的权利，
I am talking about the rights of the individual here,
我认为这是次于整个社区的。
Which I consider secondary to those of the community as a whole.
这个小镇是人类的巢穴。
This town is a human nest.
如果你是一只蚂蚁，你会考虑吗
If you were an ant, would you consider it
这是膜翅动物的公民自♥由♥
A matter of hymenopterous civil liberties
这是一只社会功能失调的工蚁
That a socially dysfunctional worker ant
可以养食蚁兽做宠物吗?
Be allowed to keep a pet anteater?
如果它被牢牢地栓住，我会的。
If it were securely muzzled and tethered, yes, I would.
那你显然是疯了，格里姆。
Then clearly you are quite mad, Grim.
美好的一天。
Good day.
你昨晚在电视上看《英国犯罪观察》了吗?
Did you see "Crimewatch U.K." on the telly last night?
天啊，太好了。
God, it was good.
有时候我看的时候，我会想，
Sometimes when I'm watching, I think, "ooooh,
真让人兴奋，我要是警♥察♥就好了。”
That looks so exciting, I wish I was a copper."
然后我想起来我就是一个，
And then I remember I am one,
这太愚蠢了，不是吗?
Which is so silly, isn't it?
我不赞成目前的广播趋势
I don't approve of this current broadcasting trend
这将警♥察♥工作和视频监控变成了娱乐。
That turns police work and video surveillance into entertainment.
演员训练多年
Actors train for years
为了得到在电视上露面的机会。
To get the chance to appear on the television.
但他们为什么要费心呢?
But why do they bother?
只要偷一个，第二天晚上你就能上了。
Just steal one and you'll be on the following night.
我记得电视上还有其他节目
I remember when there were other things on the television-
脾气暴躁的苏格兰医生
Grumpy scottish doctors
还有字典游戏，
And dictionary games,
那些奇妙的皇家综艺表演
Those marvelous royal variety extravaganzas
和来自布拉格的木偶师一起你本不该看到的
With puppeteers from Prague who you weren't supposed to be able to see
因为他们穿着黑色的套头衫。
Because they wore black jumpers.
永恒的东西。干净,卫生,
Timeless stuff. Clean, wholesome-
——无聊。-是的，可能有点无聊。
- Boring. - Yes, perhaps slightly boring.
我承认我通常会泡杯茶
I confess I normally made a cup of tea
当那些希腊男人跳上对方的肩膀
When those greek men who jump onto each other's shoulders
最后站在另一个上面，形成一大堆。
And end up standing on top of one another in a great big pile were on.
但这让克里夫·理查德的表演更加精彩。
But it just made Cliff Richard's bit even better.
像个悲伤的老姑娘一样回顾过去是没有用的。
It's no good harking back to the past like a sad old gitzer.
电视的改变。人们喜欢警♥匪♥片。
Tv's changed. People like police shows.
但它们是如此的可预测。
But they're so predictable.
总是有两个警官。
There's always the two officers.
他们不合得来，然后就合得来了。
They don't get on, then they do get on.
一个又胖又粗暴，另一个又瘦又时髦。
One of them's fat and gruff, the other one's thin and posh.
一个是可悲的老酒鬼，另一个是健康狂。
One's a sad old drunk, the other one's a health fanatic.
一个是女人，另一个是火星人。
One of them's a woman, the other one's a martian.
其中一个有四个头，另一个对头过敏。
One of them has four heads, the other one's allergic to heads.
如果巡逻的警♥察♥和电视上的一样多，
If there were as many police officers on the beat as there are on television,
国家就不会像现在这样了。
The country wouldn't be in the state it's in.
这些电视白♥痴♥应该出现在真正的电视台里
These TV twits should come along to a real station
看看它到底是什么样子。
And see what it's actually like.
真了不起，警官，你怎么了?
Great goggling googlies, sergeant, whatever is the matter?
我们要上电视了。
We're going to be on the telly.
冷静点，中士。这是什么废话?
Calm yourself, sergeant. What is this nonsense?
-有你的传真-我的传真，中士?
- This fax came for you- - a fax for me, sergeant?
“是的!”“那么我想你是不知道里面装的是什么吧?”
- Yes- - then I presume you do not know its contents.
当然，我经常看你的邮件。
Of course I do, I always read your mail.
在家里。在家里是这样的，中士。
At home. At home you do, sergeant.
但在工作中，你不会想要阅读
But at work you wouldn't dream of reading
你指挥官的私人通讯。
The private communications of your commanding officer.
好吧，随你便。
Oh, all right, have it your own way.
你传真里有什么，雷蒙德?
What's in your fax, Raymond?
我想知道是不是什么令人兴奋的事情。
I wonder if it's something exciting.
天啊，我们要上电视了。
Good lord, we're going to be on the television.
BBC已经联♥系♥了警♥察♥局长
The chief constable has been approached by the BBC
拍一部真实的纪录片
To do a fly-on-the-wall documentary
关于警♥察♥局的事。
About a police station.
他想知道我们是否同意把它归我们所有。
He wants to know if we'd agree for it to be ours.
这需要仔细考虑。
Now this needs some very careful consideration.
就目前而言，我觉得这样最好
For the time being, I think it'd be best
如果我们不告诉鉴证科，因为你知道会发生什么。
If we didn't tell C.I.D., because you know what'll happen.
加斯福斯鉴证科的德里克·格里姆，快下来!
Derek Grim of Gasforth C.I.D., come on down!
-正如我所担心的。-你听说了吗，福勒?我们会成为明星的。