憨豆警局（1995）

大家晚上好。
Good evening, everybody.
"玩起来，玩起来，玩游戏"
"play up, play up, and play the game."
吉卜林说，如果你能遇到胜利和灾难
Kipling said that if you can meet triumph and disaster
对他们一视同仁，
And treat them just the same,
然后你就会成为一个男人。
Then you will be a man.
当然，现在你必须说“person”，
These days of course, you would have to say "person,"
它甚至没有扫描。
Which doesn't even scan.
当然，现在已经没有人再为这种事操心了。
But nobody bothers about that sort of thing anymore, of course.
尽管如此，今天比以往任何时候都更需要吉卜林的信息。
Nonetheless, Kipling's message is needed more today than it ever was.
因为体育，正如我们将要看到的，
Because sport, as we shall see,
就像吸了一半的甜，
Is like a half-sucked sweet,
和以前不一样了。
Not what it used to be.
对不起,对不起。
Sorry, sorry.
我喜欢足球。
I love football.
现代足球有很多方面
There's so many aspects to the modern game-
啤酒，薯片，
The beer, the crisps,
那些肮脏的歌♥曲，
The dirty songs,
只是在享受赛前的气氛。
Just savoring the pre-match atmosphere.
你介意吗?我想我们可以没有你赛前的气氛。
Do you mind? I think we could do without your pre-match atmosphere.
我喜欢打个饱嗝。
Oh, I love a good burp, me.
非常有嚼劲。
A really good chewy one.
啤酒味的大嗝。
Big solid beer-flavored belch.
一大口让人咂舌的汽油和晚餐。
A really huge tongue-twanging mouthful of gas and dinner.
没有比这更好的了。尤其是在足球方面。
Nothing like it. Especially at the footie.
角斗士是我的运动。
Gladiators is my sport.
我很喜欢。这样的大腿。
I love it. Such thighs.
巨大的大腿。
Colossal thighs.
她们的大腿都能掰坚果了。
They could crack nuts with those thighs.
在wolf的案例中，是他自己。
In wolf's case, his own.
哦,是的。总有一天我会投身其中的，
Oh, yes. I'm going to go in for it one day,
等我抽到足够的铁填满我的紧身衣。
When I've pumped enough iron to fill my leotard.
我已经有了我的名字——爱的肌肉。
I've already got my name- love muscle.
是的，与角斗士相比，足球是无聊的。
Yes, football is boring compared to gladiators.
足球并不无聊。
Football is not boring.
不。
No.
这就是上帝创造星期六下午的原因。
It's the reason god made Saturday afternoons.
足球只是一种经过社会消毒的同性恋仪式。
Football is just a socially sanitized homo-erotic ritual.
“社会坐——”
"socially sat--"
胡言乱语，哈比卜警官。
What nonsense, constable Habib.
就没有流行的左派定理吗
Is there no trendy leftist theorem
你不会不加批判地接受吗?
Which you will not uncritically embrace?
一些美国女权主义者认为运动是被发明出来的
Some american feminists think sport was invented
这样男人就可以避免面对自己的性取向。
So that men could avoid confronting their sexuality.
一些美国女权主义者认为打电♥话♥给一个女人
Some american feminists think that phoning a woman
在她午睡的时候构成了人身攻击。
While she's having an afternoon nap constitutes assault.
Homo-erotic仪式吗?椰子和奶油冻。
Homo-erotic ritual? Coconuts and custard.
如此骇人听闻的概括是基于什么证据呢?
On what evidence is such an appalling generalization based?
我认为这是显而易见的。
I think it's obvious.
例如，加里每个星期天都踢足球。
For instance, Gary plays football every Sunday.
加里，比赛结束后你做什么?
Now, what do you do after the game, Gary?
让我想想。
Let me think.
我们一起洗澡，溅起水花，
We all get in the bath together, we have a bit of a splash,
还会唱歌♥，你知道吗?
And a bit of a sing-song, you know?
"她老二上的毛" "为小伙子们露出的奶♥子♥"
"the hairs on her dickey di do," "tits out for the lads"--
所有的经典。
All the classics.
然后是毛巾大战
And then after that there's a towel fight-
你们用湿毛巾打对方?
You beat each other with wet towels?
你一定要去看电影，不是吗?
You've got to have a flick, haven't you?
然后我们一起进酒吧，把一大堆啤酒倒在对方头上，
Then we all get in the pub, pour a load of beer over each other's heads,
唱更多关于可爱的鸟的歌♥。
And sing more songs about lovely saucy birds.
如果晚上天气很好，回家的路上倒在水坑里。
If it's a really good night, fall over in a puddle of vom' on the way home.
好了。小伙子们唱着女人的歌♥，
There you go. Blokes singing about women,
但实际上却沉浸在自己赤♥裸♥裸的放纵中。
But actually wallowing in their own naked excess.
这是透明的被压抑的同性情♥色♥。
It's transparent suppressed homo-eroticism.
只要能让你生气就行。
Long as it gets you pissed.
警员哈比卜,
Constable Habib,
你认为同性恋群体
Do you think that the gay sexual community
谢谢你给他们的性取向分类
Would thank you for categorizing their particular sexual preference
像博伊尔那样恶心，幼稚，醉酒的白♥痴♥?
As the act of a disgusting, puerile, drunken oaf like Boyle?
-冷静点。-你的错，哈比卜警官
- Steady on. - Your mistake, constable Habib,
就是为简单的真理寻找性的解释
Is to seek a sexual explanation for the simple truth
男人懂足球，但很少懂女人。
That men understand football but they rarely understand women.
哦，那是真的，先生。
Oh, that's very true, sir.
我可以演示越位陷阱的机制，
I could demonstrate the mechanics of the offside trap,
但我不能告诉你原因
But I couldn't tell you why
所有我爱过的女人都对我说过，
All the women I have ever loved have said to me,
“我屁♥股♥太胖了。”
"I've got a fat bottom."
然后我说"是的，我喜欢"
And then I say, "yes, I like it."
他们把晚餐扔向我。
They throw their dinner at me.
在女孩的屁♥股♥上撒谎是男人的职责之一。
Lying about a girl's bottom is part of a man's duties.
这弥补了你从来没放下马桶座圈的过错
It makes up for never putting the toilet seat down
厕纸空了也不换。
And not replacing the loo roll when it's empty.
那你解释一下。
Well, explain this then.
为什么女性没有能力走出家门?
What is it about the inability of women to get out of the house?
——什么?-你听到了。
- What? - You heard.
为什么女人就不能走出家门?
Why can't women ever get out of the house?
我说:“蒂娜，我们7:30出发。”
I say, "Tina, we are leaving at 7:30."
现在是7点半，不是15分钟到8点，也不是明年，
That is 7:30, not a quarter to 8:00, not next year,
等下辈子我们变成一对昆虫再回来
Not in another lifetime when we've come back as a couple of insects
只活一天，她会在浴室里度过，
Which only live for a day- which she'd spend in the bathroom,
在她的触角上涂睫毛膏
Putting mascara on her antennae
还试图把300个隐形眼镜塞进她的多只眼睛里。
And trying to stick 300 contact lenses into her multiple eyes.
口红在她的气门上，
Lipstick in her- spiracles,
把她的毛囊染成金色。
And blonding her follicles.
-是的，开球是-我喊:“加油，蒂娜!”
- Yes, the kick-off is- - I shout, "come on, Tina!"
她说，“我得把脸戴上，不是吗?”
She says, "I've got to put my face on, haven't I?"
我说，“对。我在车里等着呢。她说:“在车里等着。”
I say, "right. I'm waiting in the car. She says, "wait in the car."
我说"我在车里等"她说"好吧，去车里等"
I say, "I will wait in the car." she says, "right, go wait in the car."
我说:“我要去车上。”
I say, "I'm going out to the car."
她说"你去车上"这让你很沮丧。
She says, "you go to the car." it grinds you down.
哦，这是一件多么美妙的事情，
Oh, what a very splendid thing this is,
当地社区聚集在一起庆祝体育运动。
The local community coming together in celebration of sport.
这就是作为英国人的意义所在。
It's what being british is all about.
什么?又湿又无聊?
What? Being wet and bored?
是的，淋湿和无聊是其中的一部分。
Well, yes, being wet and bored is part of it, certainly.
但还有更多。
But there's so much more.
我是说，看看这个体育场。
I mean, look at this stadium.
它散发着历史的气息。
It reeks of history.
它散发着野草的味道。
It reeks of weed.
在这些古老的梯田下
Under these ancient terraces,
加斯福斯镇的人都见识过。
Gasforth town F.C. have seen it all.
从不完全的灾难，到彻底的灾难。
From not quite disaster, to complete disaster.
从联盟垫底，到连联盟都排不上。
From bottom of the league, to not even in the league.
-这是个垃圾场。-这就是它的荣耀。
- It's a dump. - And therein lies its glory.
我们不需要一个巨大的超级碗和一个巨大的电子标志
We don't need some vast superbowl with a great big electronic sign
它说“fwaaaah!”Go-ooo !”
That says "fwaaaah! Go-ooo!"
我们很喜欢聚在一起
We're quite happy to gather together in small groups
在一个潮湿的星期六，有点悲伤。
On a wet Saturday and be a bit sad.
你觉得他们知道他们应该买♥♥圆形皮革吗
Do you think they know they're supposed to get the round leather thing
变成那个又大又圆的东西?
Into the big square netty thing?
所有的业余爱好者，古迪，记住这一点。
Amateurs all, Goody, remember that.
〇周末运动英雄
Weekend sporting heroes-
屠夫，面包师，建筑工人。
Butchers, bakers, builders.
我可不想住在很多人建造的房♥子里。
I wouldn't want to live in a house that lot had built.
-他们只是不太好，是吗?-没错，哈比卜。
- They're just not very good, are they? - Exactly, Habib.
不擅长的事情正是英国人擅长的。
Not being good at things is what the british are good at.
我们善于失败。
We excel in failure.
这也是一件好事，因为失败可以塑造人的性格。
A good thing too, because failure is character building.
我们的一些辉煌时刻都是失败的。
Some of our finest moments have been defeats.
蒙斯敦刻尔克,