诊疗中（2023）

喂 外公
Hi, Grandpa.
梅仔 你好吗
Mase-man. How you doing?
我以为又会转到你妈妈的 语♥音♥信箱了 你好吗
I thought I was gonna get your mom's voice mail again. How are ya?
我很好 -棒球打得怎么样
I'm good. -How's baseball going?
棒极了 我打中外场
Awesome. I'm playing center field.
太好了 非常重要的位置
Wow. Very important position.
比右外场强多了 那是书呆子的位置
Much better than right field. That's where they put all the nerds.
你不应该说“书呆子”
You're not supposed to say "nerds."
不应该说“书呆子”
Not supposed to say "nerds?"
太愚蠢了
That's stupid.
孩子 你妈在吗 能让她接电♥话♥吗
Kiddo, is your mom around? Could you put your mom on?
喂 -保罗
Hello? -Paul.
喂 保罗 嗨 我是戴夫
Paul, hey. Hey, it's Dave.
听着 梅格正在洗澡
Look. Meg is in the shower,
但你知道她现在不想跟你说话
but you know she doesn't wanna talk right now.
是的 戴夫 帮我个忙 能否转告她这是很幼稚的行为
Yeah, well, do me a favor, Dave. Will you just tell her that that's childish?
很高兴和你聊天 保罗
Good talking to you, Paul.
我也一样 戴夫
Well, it's good talking to you too, Dave.
再见
Bye.
大概有一个星期的时间 唐尼表现得很好
For a week or so, Donny was great.
但现在他又开始批评我所做的每一件事了
But now he's back to criticizing every single thing I do.
格蕾丝
Well, Grace,
我的专业意见你是知道的
you know my professional opinion.
你丈夫就是个混♥蛋♥
Your husband's a fucking tool.
很抱歉 但你知道吗 他给人 一种1980年代电影里大反派的感觉
I'm sorry, but he has the energy of an '80s movie villain, you know?
就是如果被师♥傅♥下命令 他肯定会扫堂腿
Like, he would definitely sweep the leg if he was commanded to by his sensei.
一直都这样 所有的事都得由我来做
Well, it never stops. And I do everything.
他就只会泡咖啡
Like, all he does is make coffee.
他会说“格蕾丝 鸡蛋煮得不够熟 但是这咖啡简直太棒了
Like, "Eggs are too runny, Grace, but this coffee's next level.
你洗衣又搞砸了 但我的咖啡口感爆♥炸♥”
You fucked up the laundry again but my coffee is tight as shit."
抱歉 他把喝的形容成“口感爆♥炸♥”
I'm sorry, he says "tight as shit" about a beverage?
有时我真想把他的宝贝咖啡从桌子上扫走
You know, sometimes I just wanna push his precious coffee right off the table.
就像是“噗”一声 泼在他的怪蛋蛋上
Just like, boop. All over his weird balls.
怎么的怪法
Weird how?
它们巨大无比 而且不是...
They're enormous, and they're just not--
好了 我不需要知道 格蕾丝 你应该这么做的
Okay, I don't need to know. You should do it, Grace.
不是叫你泼在他的睾丸上 因为那将构成侵犯人身罪 但没错
I mean, not onto his testicles, 'cause that would be assault, but yeah,
泼进洗碗槽之类的 这做法称为模式中断
like, into a kitchen sink or something. That's called a pattern interrupt.
这么说 我应该“噗”他
So, boop him?
是的 没有后果的话 没人能改掉坏行为
Boop. Nobody changes bad behavior without consequences.
你搞砸了 格蕾丝 你得承担后果
You fuck up, Grace, you gotta face the music.
事实上 我待会儿也得承担自己的后果
As a matter of fact, I'm gonna be facing it later today.
为什么 你做了什么
Why? What'd you do?
对于我和加比阿姨上♥床♥这事 我感到很抱歉
I'm sorry that I had sex with Auntie Gaby.
我的天
Oh, my God.
老兄 她这辈子 从没称呼过我为“加比阿姨”
Dude, she's literally never called me "Auntie Gaby" in her fucking life.
你为何要这么说 你是想让她感觉更不舒服吗
Why would you say that? Are you trying to make it weirder for her?
我没这意思 就很自然地说了
I'm not trying, it's just happening.
好了 我要走了
Okay, I'm gonna go.
等等 别走...就...
Wait. Please, please, please. Just--
我们觉得解决这问题的唯一方法
We feel like the only way to get to the other side of this
就是坦诚沟通 -没错
is with an honest conversation. -Right.
我可不想听你怎么玷污加比
I don't wanna hear about how you desecrated Gaby.
慢着 事实是我们彼此玷污了彼此
Hold up. We actually desecrated each other.
是的 “体力活”大部分是她做的
That's right. She did a lot of the heavy lifting.
你也很清楚我的为人 你真以为我是完全被动的那个
And you know me. You really think I didn't have a fucking say in this?
你觉得这都是因为 他的魅力所致 以及他的能力
You think it's just all based on his charisma and his game?
看看你♥爸♥这张脸 能跟多少女人上过床
Look at your dad's face. That's the face of somebody who's only slept with what?
顶多是两到三个
Two to three women tops.
是脸的问题 -好的
It's just face. -Okay.
天啊 好吧 加比 你赢了 行吗
Oh, my God. Fine, you win, Gaby. Okay?
我也生你的气 你想让我叫你妈咪吗
I'm fucking mad at you too. Do you want me to call you Mommy?
嘿 我不喜欢你的这个态度 一点都不喜欢
Hey, I don't like that. I don't like that one bit.
我和你♥爸♥讨论过了 我们都认为这是个天大的错误
Your father and I, we had a discussion, and we decided that it was a huge mistake.
完全正确 我们俩当时都处于 脆弱的状态 而且...
Absolutely right. We were both just in a vulnerable spot, and--
拿开 -好的
No. -Okay.
这不代表什么 -不代表什么
And it meant nothing. -Nothing.
这么说 事实就是 你上了一个对你而言完全不重要
So, to get this straight, you bang someone who doesn't mean anything to you,
但对妈来说很重要的人 而且是在妈的床上进行
but meant a lot to Mom, and you did it in Mom's bed?
那也是我的床 好吗 是从她童年时的家里搬来的 没错
It's my bed too, okay? Did it come from her childhood home? Yes.
是外公在外婆去世后 把它送给你妈 确实是
Was that a gift from Grandpa after Grandma died? Sure.
但那床不仅仅属于她 也属于我
But it wasn't just her bed, it was mine also.
再说了 也不全是在床上进行的
Also, it didn't all happen in the bed.
别说了...
Stop, stop, stop.
也有站着做 -我的天
There was some standing. -Oh, Jesus.
我要吐了
I'm gonna go puke.
是的 应该 应该的
Yeah. Fair. That was fair.
你到底有什么毛病
What the fuck is wrong with you?
我们说过要坦诚的 当时的确有站着做
We said we were gonna be honest, and there was some standing.
我们上班见
See you at work.
这玩意儿该怎么吃
How do you eat this shit?
你从没吃过趣味蘸
You've never had Fun Dip?
没 从没吃过
No, I've never had Fun Dip.
只需用棒子把糖舀出来
You just scoop up the sugar stuff with the stick
然后就吃那棒子
and afterwards you can eat the stick.
真的吗 -是的
No shit? -Yeah.
我为何得用糖果来支付你
Why do I have to pay you in candy?
因为你没钱 而我喜欢吃糖果
'Cause you're poor and I like candy.
讨厌 萨默不断给我发短♥信♥ 说她今晚花♥园♥派对的事
Summer keeps texting me about her fucking Garden Party tonight.
花♥园♥派对是什么
What's a Garden Party?
就像“在桥下喝酒”那样
It's like Drinks Under the Bridge,
只不过大家偷偷溜进金尼洛亚花♥园♥ 然后在那里喝得烂醉
except everybody sneaks into Kinneola Gardens and gets fucked up there.
萨默取名字真有一套
Summer's good at naming things.
也许我应该去 我生命中的 每个人都是想做什么就做什么
Maybe I should go. Everyone in my life just does whatever they want.
上周 我在海滩时 有个南加州大学的男生到我跟前
You know, last week, I was at the beach and this USC guy came up to me
并问我在哪上大学 一直跟我搭讪
and was asking me where I went to college, and totally hitting on me.
我当时应该搭他的伟士电单车跟他回家
Maybe I should've just gone home with him on his Vespa.
别拿勾搭骑伟士电单车的男子来开玩笑
Don't even joke about hooking up with guys who ride Vespas.
这个真的能吃
You can eat this?
好吃的棒子
That's good stick.
你现在是我生命中唯一正常的成年人
You are the only normal adult in my life right now.
是的 我爸简直就是个愚蠢的混♥蛋♥
Yeah. My dad is being such a stupid asshole.
你为何就不能放他一马
Why don't you just cut him some slack?
你们这些年轻人 以为全世界就只有你们有烦恼
You young people think you're the only ones in the world with problems.
你♥爸♥正经历一些烦心事
Your dad's going through some shit.
每个人都一样
Everyone is.
有问题的不仅仅你一人 知道吗
It's not just all about you, you know?
我从没说过是这样 -什么
I never said it was. -What--
是你说的 你说这些谈话 是让我把所面对的烦恼发泄出来 所以...
But you said these talks were for venting about what's bothering me, so--
我的天 我不知道你到底怎么了 但算了
Oh, my God. I don't know what's up your butt but fuck this.
好的 听着 很抱歉
Okay. Look, I'm sorry.
我刚...
I was--
太专注于自己的烦恼了
I'm stuck in my own stuff.
我不该发泄在你身上
I shouldn't have put it on you.
请别走 别这样 你如果走了 我会十分难受的
Please don't go. Come on. If you go, I'm gonna feel like shit.
再见
Bye.
保罗 你对女人还真有一套 对吧
You've got a way with women, don't you, Paul?
该死
Shit.
这是套非常糟糕的徒步服装
That is a very bad hiking outfit.
不然呢 我的屁♥股♥已经湿透了
You think? I already have swamp ass.
我本想在你门徒步前跟你们谈的
I was hoping we could talk before you started hiking.
是的 抱歉 兄弟 我有婚礼健身计划 没法随意安排我的时间
Yeah, sorry man. I can't be flexible with my wedding workout schedule.
再过几周 我就得一直光着膀子了
I'm just a few weeks away from being shirtless all the time.
即使是在办公室和餐馆里
Even at work and restaurants.
我连做♥爱♥都不再光着膀子了
I don't even fuck shirtless anymore.
嘿 查理 听着 我已经跟布莱恩 谈过我在派对上的行为了
Hey, listen, Charlie. I already spoke to Brian about my behavior at the party,
但我也想向你道歉
but I wanted to apologize to you also.
没事的 我们爱你 吉米 -是的
It's all good. We love you, Jimmy. -Yeah.
对了 我们把婚礼提前了
By the way, we're moving the wedding up.
下个月是我们俩请假的最佳时间
Next month is the perfect time for us to both take off from work.