瑞恩·汉森破案秀（2017）

"诸君贵安"
"Good day and salutations",
一句奇葩才会说的话
is what a total dork would say.
YouTube Red 用户们 你们好呀呀呀
YouTube Red-ers, whassup?!
不 不是"你们好"
No, not whassup.
我的拉伸教练跟我讲现在大家都不这么说了
My stretching coach told me no one says that anymore.
日落大道是好莱坞名流文化的标志符号♥
不管怎样 我现在在传说中的日落大道上
Any-hizzle, I'm here on the legendary Sunset Boulevard.
接地 指赤脚踩地 在灵性团体是一个可以更好地帮助练习者和大地之母联结的动作
我正在做一种叫"接地"的东西
I'm doing a little something called grounding.
本来是应该要光脚踩在草地上的
Supposedly you're supposed to have bare feet on grass,
但依我的版本 我选择踩着我的科比球鞋在人行道上晃悠
but my version is I put my Kobes on the sidewalk.
这很符合整全观 并且 那他妈是啥玩意
It's very holistic, and -- What the fuck is that?
请告诉我那不是一只猫
Please tell me that's not a cat.
请告诉我YouTube Red
Please tell me that YouTube Red
不会专门为一只猫科动物架广♥告♥牌
did not give a feline a billboard!
无意冒犯 只是猫根本不需要广♥告♥牌好吧
I'm sorry, it's just cats don't need billboards, okay?
它们的视频就是自我宣传
These videos sell themselves.
不爽猫比整个卡戴珊家族都有名的多
Grumpy Cat is more famous than all the Kardashians combined,
并且它连公♥关♥都不需要
and he never needed a publicist.
知道为什么吗 因为它是喵星人
You know why? Because he's a cat.
它可能都不在美国演员工会里
He's probably not even in SAG.
并且 <伊斯坦布尔的猫>甚至都他妈不是电视节目
Also, this Kedi crap isn't even a TV show.
它是一部纪录片 那种只呈现你所见事实的片子
It's a documentary, which is just facts that you watch.
无聊
Snore.
这很不公平好吧
It's just unfair, okay?
如果你有办自己的电视节目
If you have your own TV show,
尽管是放在一个以前是免费的订阅式网站上的
albeit on a subscription-based website that was formerly free
但是你不会拥有一块广♥告♥牌
but you don't have a billboard,
怎么会有人把这东西放上去呢
how is anyone gonna post about it?
我的天 我只是有点
God, I just --
你懂的 我真的很想恨这只猫
You know, I really want to hate that cat,
但是它太可爱了
but he's just so adorable.
好吧 你知道吗
Well, you know what?
享受现在的时光吧 Kedi
Enjoy your moment, Kedi,
因为在这个圈子
cause in this business, well,
你分分钟都有可能翻船
it can turn on you in a second.
在你知晓之前 你可能已经流落街头了
Before you know it, you'll be out on the streets,
冰冷且孤独着
cold and alone,
还很可能静静地冻死
probably freezing to death.
所以你没有广♥告♥牌 谁在乎啊
So you don't have a billboard. Who cares?
Mathers 你一点都不清楚好莱坞是怎么运作的
Oh, Mathers, you know zilch about the ways of Hollywoodland.
你在镇上一文不值
You are nothing in this town
直到你拿到一块日落大道的广♥告♥牌
until you have a billboard on Sunset.
我就没有广♥告♥牌
I don't have a billboard.
就是
Exactly.
并且广♥告♥牌并不是仅仅用来
And billboards don't just celebrate
庆祝每个电视节目和电影发布的
every TV show and movie released.
它们还用来庆祝洛杉矶所有重大的事情
They also celebrate all the most important things in L.A.
DJ入驻拉斯维加斯 大♥麻♥药房♥
Deejay residencies in Vegas, weed dispensaries,
免费艾滋病检测
free AIDS testings.
没有一块广♥告♥牌 我可能就跟他们一样
Without a billboard, I might as well be one of them.
一场凶杀案的受害者吗
The victims? Of homicide?
能请你对死者保有一点点起码的尊重吗
Can you please have a little respect for the dead?
你说得对 你说得对
You're right. You're right.
出自<太空炮弹>(1987)
你知道我是什么意思 当你是对的你就是对的
And you know what I say. When you're right, you're right.
我得集中下精力
Got to focus up.
红的皮革 黄的皮革 红的皮革 黄的皮革
Red leather, yellow leather. Red leather, yellow leather.
你在干啥
What are you doing now?
做个热身
Warming up my instrument.
拜托 我求求你了
Please, I beg of you,
肯尼玩偶是芭比娃娃的男朋友 金发碧眼高大威猛
你♥他♥妈♥的闭嘴吧 你个有感觉的肯尼玩偶
shut the fuck up you sentient Ken doll.
好吧 但这只是因为你叫我肯尼
Okay, but only because you called me a Ken doll.
他有着一头相当浓密的金发 所以这是一种赞美
That guy's got some pretty solid locks, so that is a compliment.
好吧 这有七名枪击受害者
All right, we've got seven gunshot vics,
所以女性都在20多岁 都打扮成公主的样子
all females in their 20s, all dressed like princesses.
并且你看 这很奇怪 但是法医说
And look, this is weird, but the coroner said
她们都做过一些整形手术
they've all had some sort of plastic surgery.
呃 这不奇怪
Uh, that's not weird.
宝贝这是洛杉矶 我的牙医还帮人打肉毒素
This is L.A., baby. My dentist does botox.
你得在下班后去见他
You got to visit him after hours
并且暗号♥是"我有颗蛀牙" 但是
and the code word is "I have a cavity", but --
等等 那你在真的有颗蛀牙的时候怎么办呢
Wait, what do you do when you actually have a cavity?
我不知道 它在你嘴里
I don't know, it's inside your mouth.
没人能看见它 谁管它
No one can see it. Who cares?
我的意思是 在洛杉矶
My point is plastic surgery in L.A.,
整形已经归类到"见怪不怪"项了
file that under not weird.
假装在看文件
Pretending to go through files.
对该工作对象进行处理 哟
Working that object work, yo.
UCB是美国的即兴表演和喜剧小品学校 在洛杉矶和纽约有教学机构
几年前在UCB上过即兴演绎课程
Took a UCB improv class a couple years ago.
在一个很棒的人底下学习
Studied under a great guy.
呃 Jacob 或者是Justin
Um, Jacob or Justin.
我天 我记不起来他的名字了
God, I can't remember his name.
白人 络腮胡 穿卡其裤
White guy, beard, wore khakis
和一件褪色的老海军T恤吗
and a stained Old Navy T-shirt?
对 就是他 等等 你也上即兴表演课吗
Yes! Exactly! Wait, did you do improv?
为什么不告诉我
Why didn't you tell me?
我没上过即兴表演课
I didn't do improv.
你只是给我介绍过你那一堆即兴表演老师
You just introduced me to a bunch of your improv teachers
并且他们都长这样
and they all looked like that.
有人能给我点建议吗
Can I get a suggestion from someone?
我和Mathers 要做一个场景
Mathers and I are going to do a scene.
不 我们没有
No, we're not.
土豆
Potato.
我听到了土豆 哇哦
I heard potato. Wow.
月球上有很多土豆
There are so many potatoes on the moon.
我们没有在即兴表演 行吗
We are not improving, okay?
停下
Stop.
我是一名警官
I'm a police officer,
并且你是 管你♥他♥妈♥的是啥
and you're... whatever the fuck you are.
"Yes, and..."是即兴喜剧中的一个经验法则
参与者都应接受另一个参与者所说的(Yes 是的)并就此展开思考(And 然后)
好吧 我知道你不想给你的场景做搭档备注了
Okay, I know you're not supposed to give your scene partner notes,
但是你有听说过"是的 然后"吗
but have you ever heard of "yes, and"?
没有 好了吧
No, all right?
并且我也不知道为什么她们要穿成公主的样子
And I have no idea why they're all dressed like princesses.
就像这位 她应该是<哔雪奇缘>里的Elsa
Like this one here, she's supposed to be Elsa from Frozen
你不能说<哔雪奇缘>
You can't say Frozen
确实 我们现在是在冷库里
Sure, yeah, we are in a freezer,
但这个公主不是<哔雪奇缘>里的
but this is not a princess from Frozen
这是汉斯·克里斯汀·安徒生笔下的白雪皇后
This is Hans Christian Andersen's Snow Queen.
公有领域的财产不受版权保护 这些知识发明属于公有文化遗产 任何人可以不受限制地使用和加工它们
事实上 这些受害者扮演的都是公有领域的公主
In fact, all of our victims are public domain princesses.
公有领域
Public domain.
你跟我讲我不能说哔冻
You're telling me I can't say frozen
是的
Right.
谁他妈做的这个哔哔音效
Who the fuck is doing all that bleeping?
唔
Hmm.
哇哦 你告诉我我可以说操
Whoa, whoa, you're telling me I can say fuck
但是我不能说哔冻
but I can't say frozen
好吧 那我只说那个词可以吗
Okay, how about I just say the word, right?
就像 嗯 比起哔冻酸奶我更喜欢冰淇淋
Like, um, I like ice cream more than I like frozen yogurt.
天呐
Geez.
<哔雪奇缘>是迪士尼的知识产权好吧
Frozen is Disney IP, okay?
<不可触犯>是1987年布莱恩·德·帕尔玛导演的一部美国黑帮电影
就像是<不可触犯>中的一幕 当
It's like that scene in "Untouchables" when --
我从没看过这部电影
I've never seen that movie.
啥 讲真吗
What, seriously?
不论如何 你要知道的就是
Anyway, all you need to know
罗伯特·德尼罗 在<不可触犯>中饰演Al Capone 黑帮老大
罗伯特·德尼罗拿起球棒砸某个人的头
is De Niro takes a bat to someone's head.
砸的那个人就是迪士尼的律师
That is Disney's lawyers.
好吧 无所谓
Fine, whatever.