爆笑情报处（2020）

鲁伯特·弗莱明
鲁伯特在飞机上
So, Rupert is on a plane,
但我应该还是能帮你接通
but I should still be able to patch you through.
我还需要一点时间
You know, I just need one second
-想出最好的办法来... -喂
- to figure out the best way to actually... - Hello?
你好 鲁伯特
Hello, Rupert.
我是国安局的杰瑞·伯恩斯坦
Hey, it's Jerry Bernstein, NSA.
杰瑞
Jerry!
你好
Hello,
克丽丝说你适应得很好
Chris says you're settling in well.
-是的 我非常... -你觉得...
- Oh yeah, I'm having a... - How are you find...
-抱歉 我非常... -你觉得...
- Sorry, I'm having a... - How are you...
-我很激动... -你觉得...
- It's, I'm thrilled... - How are you...
-不 你先说 -你说什么
- No, you go. - Pardon?
我说我很激动 非常激动
I said I'm thrilled, I'm thrilled,
什么
What?
好像有延迟
I think there's a delay,
-你能弄好吗 -好痛
- can you fix that? - Ouch.
是的 我在飞机上
Yes I'm on a plane, I'm.
不 我知道
No, I see that.
现在你定住了 这角度还挺帅 但你定...
Oh now you're frozen, it's a good look, but your fro...
杰瑞 杰瑞 告诉我
Jerry, Jerry, just tell me,
你和克丽丝相处得怎么样
how are you getting along with Chris?
你知道她名声在外吗
Do you know she has one hell of a reputation?
是吗 生活淫乱的名声吗
Does she, for sleeping around?
不是 是工作出色
No, for being good at her job.
原来如此 当然了
No, right, of course,
我之前还想着她是不是有什么病
I was just wondering if she had some kind of condition,
因为通常我跟任何类型的女性都处得来
because I usually vibe with all types of women.
听着 杰瑞 我们马上要降落在叙利亚
Look, Jerry, we're about to land in Syria,
你的画面又动了 你好啊 香槟
You're back, hello, champagne,
你介意我来负责考核那个... 叫什么来着
do you mind if I conduct those, what is it?
明天要进行的网络安♥全♥部♥能力测试吗
The Cy-sec aptitude tests that are scheduled for tomorrow?
我一个字都没听懂
I didn't quite catch any of that,
不过我想应该没问题
but I'm sure it'll be fine.
太好了 太好了 我想说的是
That's great, great, I was just saying that,
既然明天由我来进行能力测试
since I'll be running the aptitude tests tomorrow,
你刚刚已经口头同意了
which you just verbally agreed to,
我很遗憾和难过
I'm just bummed, you know,
我自己就不能接受这个测试了
bummed that I won't be able to take the test myself,
但我一定会转告克丽丝汀我们的对话内容 好吗
but I'll be sure to let Christine know of this conversation, okay?
我觉得是周二
I think Tuesday.
那好 祝你在叙利亚一切顺利
Sounds good, have a lovely time in Syria.
嗯 我想我们...
Yeah, I think we're...
刚才简直易如反掌
That was dead easy.
是啊
Yeah.
他是酒鬼吗
Is he an alcoholic?
是的
Yes, he is.
你说什么
Pardon?
杰瑞
Jerry?
现在轮到你定住了
I think you're frozen now.
克丽丝 我不知道怎么说才好
Chris, I don't know what to say,
我和鲁伯特之前只是随意聊到
Rupert and I were just spit balling
如何给测试带来新意 突然
about ways to freshen up the test and Bam!
他就让我来负责 希望你别觉得这是我的主意
He put me in charge, I hope you don't think it was my idea.
可惜联♥系♥不上他 无法证实
If only it he was reachable to verify that,
这么说你免除测试了
and you're exempt, I presume?
是的
Well, yeah,
如果我要彻底改革测试方法
I mean, if I'm gonna be overhauling the way the tests are run,
我可不希望影响测试结果
I don't want to sway the results.
那么 首先我想做个计时测试
So, I think I'd like to start by timing,
看所有人多快能把衣服脱♥光♥
how quickly everyone can get undressed
然后再重新穿上
and then put all their clothes back on again.
用来测试能力倾向吗
To test aptitude?
没错 另外 你了解「沙丁鱼游戏」吗
Yeah, also, are you familiar with the game "Sardines"?
星期四
好了 现在我想要给大家快速测谎
Okay, so what I would like to do is a quick polygraph test.
那是什么破玩意儿
What's that piece of crap?
只是候补仪器 我更喜欢旧型号♥
It was just a backup, prefer the older models.
你介意我碰触你的头吗
Do you mind if I touch your head?
具体哪个地方
Whereabouts?
-这里和这里 -那没关系
- Here and here. - Yes, that's fine.
有什么问题吗
What's the problem?
贴片没法固定住
I can't get these to stick down,
头发太多了
there's too much hair.
你不能摘掉它吗
Well, can't you just take it off?
这是假发 对吧
It's a wig, right?
不是
No.
我很乐意剃掉一些地方
I'm happy to shave an area,
不 没那个必要 按着固定住就行
No, that won't be necessary, just hold them in place.
不是叫你
Not you.
抱歉
Oh, sorry.
如果我手指有异味 抱歉啊
Sorry if my fingers are a bit smelly.
谢谢你 昆廷
Thank you, Quentin.
好了 玛丽
Okay, so Mary,
我先随便问几个问题试试
we're going to start by doing just a couple of trial questions.
你的全名叫什么
So, what is your full name?
玛丽·范妮[屁♥股♥]·尼德姆
Mary Fanny Needham.
我给你的标准能力测试增添了一丝美国风格
So I've added a slight US vibe to your standard APT test.
你们能在那东西上面上下弹跳吗
Can you just start bouncing up and down on that for me?
不 你把脚放在... 那两条杠上
What's, no, you put your feet on that, on the bar.
等等 你要弹去哪儿
Wait, where are you going?
像这样吗
Like that?
你在做什么
What are you doing?
好 现在我要说出10个数字
Okay, so now I'm going to call out ten numbers,
我要你重复一遍
and I want you to repeat them back to me
但是以相反顺序
but in reverse order.
Three, zero, 34, nine, 81, four, four again, 53,
nine and 528.
-你是在跟我说话吗 -拜托 老兄
- Are you even talking to me? - Come on, man!
请用是或否回答
Yes or no,
你是否会为了毒品 金钱 性♥爱♥ 背叛国家吗
would you ever betray your country for drug, money, or sex?
性♥爱♥
Sex.
528, nine, three, four again, four
528, nine, 53, four, four, 81, nine,
34, zero, three.
我得确认下你说的是正确的
Well, I'll have to make sure that that's correct.
正确无误
It is.
four, 320...
起来 再来一次
Get up we're going again.
你为脱欧投赞成票了吗
Did you vote for Brexit?
我不知道 脱欧是谁
I don't know, who is that?
老天啊 你怎么老打我
Jesus Christ, why do you keep hitting me?
我在测试你的反应能力
I'm just testing your reflexes.
你的第一只宠物叫什么名字
What was the name of your first pet?
狼
Wolf.
那是你的宠物的名字吗 叫狼吗
That was the name of your pet, wolf?
-是的 -你的 那宠物是狼吗
- Yeah. - What was your, was it a wolf?
-是的 -真酷
- Yeah. - That's really cool.
你觉得我总体上表现如何
How do you think I'm doing overall?
因为我莫名感觉我表现挺好的
'cause I weirdly feel I'm doing quite well.
那什么 你也可以打我的
You know you can try to hit me too.
-好的 -搞什么鬼
- Okay - Ow, what the fuck!
抱歉
Sorry
你会跟同事上♥床♥吗
Would you ever sleep with a coworker?
我的天 那样很尴尬
Oh my God, that's so embarrassing.
可能 不好说 可能会跟美国人睡吧
Maybe, I don't know, like an American?
-抱歉 -你会跟同事上♥床♥...
- Sorry. - Would you ever sleep with a co...
会 玛丽
Yes, Mary.
你♥他♥妈♥的
Oh, fuck you!
你会跟同事上♥床♥吗
Would you ever sleep with a coworker?
我只是来打扫房♥间的
I just came to clean the room.
你周五要做什么
What are you doing Friday?
你会跟同事上♥床♥吗
Would you ever sleep with a coworker?