爆笑情报处（2020）

他在背后口出恶言说我吗
Has he been mouthing me off?
天呐 他没说他还"口"了你啊
Oh god, he didn't say if he'd done that as well.
抱歉 你们这样有段时间了吗
Sorry, so has this been going on for a while then?
我这么问只是因为杰瑞似乎
I only ask just 'cause Jerry seemed
暗示你们这是长久的恋情
to imply it was like a permanent thing.
好吧 无论如何
Wow, okay, well, either way,
我就是不喜欢和同一个人上♥床♥两次
I just don't like to sleep with the same person more than once.
我觉得那是懒的表现
I think it's lazy.
是的 我同意 我也是
Oh, no, I agree with that, me too.
天啊 没错
God, yeah.
那样很无趣
It's boring.
不过 谁知道呢 也许有一天
But, you never know, maybe one day
你会找到一个让你想安定下来的人
you might find that one person who you wanna settle down.
不 对我来说 那是永远不可能的
No, that would never work for me.
是啊 是啊 因为你...
No, no, 'cause you're just...
不过说起来也有趣
It's funny though,
我之前在网上做了婚恋和谐度的测试
I was doing one of those like online harmony tests things
我们两个的和谐度有89%呢
and we actually come out as 89%, I think.
好吧 但那11%正是我所担心的
Yeah, it's that 11% I'm worried about.
那你为什么和杰瑞上♥床♥
Then why sleep with Jerry?
因为我不像在乎你那样在乎他
Because I don't care about him like I'd care about you.
不过你说得对
But you're right,
我该让他知道 不会有下次了
I should let him know it won't happen again.
再说了 他完全没忘掉他老婆
Plus, he's so not over his wife.
你说什么
Sorry, what?
妈妈
接听 拒接
没事吧
Is everything okay?
片区护士过会儿就上门了
Well, the district nurse will be around in a bit.
是的 就是那位
Yes, that's the one.
不过这年头你真不能那样称呼她
But you really can't call her that nowadays.
什么事
Yes?
嗨 克丽丝 你能抽出40或45分钟时间吗
Hi, Chris, do you have like 40, 45 minutes?
没那么多时间 不行
Not that long, no.
是关于布伯雷阴谋的事吗
Is this about the Buble conspiracy?
我不知道你说的是什么
I don't know what that is.
谢谢 艾芙琳
Thanks, Evelyn.
不是 能请你出去吗
No, can you leave the room please?
天呐
Oh my god.
不好意思
Sorry.
快点
Quickly.
听着 我不想把名字说出来
So, listen, I don't wanna name names
不过办公室有一位同事
but there is someone in the office
她在我心中 不仅仅是个朋友了
who I've started to think of as more than just a friend.
为什么
Why?
因为她人很好
'Cause she's really nice.
你说的是我吗
Are you talking about me?
不是 为什么这么问 你感兴趣吗
No, why? Are you interested?
当然不
Of course not.
所以你说的是图瓦吗
So this is about Tuva?
我真的不想说出来是谁
Oh, I really don't wanna say who it is.
我猜不是玛丽
Well, I'm guessing it's not Mary.
不 不 天呐 不 绝对不是她
Oh, no, no, God, no, no, definitely not Mary.
总之 我刚发现这个人
Anyway, it turns out this person
不知出于什么原因
for whatever reason
和我们团队中的另一个人上♥床♥了
has actually ended up having sex with someone else on our team.
杰瑞
Jerry.
我真的不想说出来是谁
I really don't wanna name names.
好的 但肯定不是玛丽
Yes, but surely not Mary?
不是 依然不是她
No, it's still not Mary
问题是 这个人其实是我一个很好的朋友
but the thing is this person is in fact a very good friend.
杰瑞 当然是他 他总是欺负你
Jerry, of course, he walks all over you.
除此之外 我刚发现他有老婆
And on top of that I've just found out he has a wife.
杰瑞已婚吗
Jerry's married?
所以我现在开始怀疑
So now I'm beginning to question
我真的认识这个人吗
do I even know who this person is anymore?
杰瑞吗
Jerry?
我是说 你觉得我该怎么做
I mean, what do you think I should do?
你觉得我是不是该找他聊聊这件事 还是...
Do you think I should talk to him about it or?
是的
Yes.
好的
Right.
是该聊聊
It's a yes.
我可以吃个葡萄干吗
Can I have a raisin?
可以
Yes.
嘿 美女
Hey, beautiful.
是这样 我要说出来
Okay, so I'm just going to say it
这样我们就可以向前看了
so we can move on.
我的天 你怀孕了吗
Oh my god, you're pregnant?
还没到12小时
It's been less than 12 hours.
我不管 我要这个孩子
I don't care. I wanna keep it.
不 这是一♥夜♥情♥
No, this was a one off.
不能有下次了
It can never happen again.
我不懂 你当时听起来真的很享受啊
I don't understand, you sure sounded like you were enjoying yourself.
有时候 觉得很无聊的时候 我会那样呻♥吟♥
You know, sometimes I moan like that when I'm really bored.
我还以为我们心心相印
I thought we had a connection.
你一直叫我梅丽莎
You kept calling me Melissa.
拜托 真的那么糟吗
Oh come on, was it really that bad?
梅丽莎
Melissa.
是的
Yes.
好吧 那什么
Fine, you know what?
事实上 我刚才正要去找你
Actually, I was on my way to find you
对你说同样的话 所以...
and tell you the same thing, so...
那么我们没事了吧
So are we good?
图瓦 你该不会真以为
Tuva, do you really think
这是我第一次搞一♥夜♥情♥吧 拜托
this is the first time I've had a one night stand, please.
好极了
Great.
嗨 杰瑞 我在想我们要不要聊一聊
Oh, hi, Jerry, I just wondered if we'd have a little chat.
我现在不太方便
It's actually not a great time for me.
我非常忙
I'm super busy.
图瓦刚才来找你了吗
Did Tuva come and see you?
你知道她做了什么吗
You know what she did.
可怜的孩子
Poor kid.
她时刻都要缠着我 太粘人了
She won't leave me alone, so clingy.
我不得不停止跟她的关系
I had to shut that shit down.
我其实很担心她 她伤心欲绝
I'm actually worried about her, she was a mess.
希望她不会有事
I hope she's gonna be okay.
听着 如果你有任何事想找人聊聊
Listen, if you ever wanna chat about anything,
我一直在这儿 好吗
just, you know I'm here, right?
好的 谢谢
Okay, thanks.
或许今晚你可以去我家
Maybe you could come around to mine tonight.
让我爸爸做点菜 我们可以聊聊
Get my dad to cook something and we can chat.
不 我觉得那会太辣了
Nah, I think it'll be too spicy.
我们出去玩吧 拜托
Let's go out, come on.
我们能去个舒适的地方吗
Can we go somewhere cozy?
当然 火车旅馆超级舒适的 真的
Of course, the Railway Inn is super cozy, honestly.
是吗
Is it?
那里有土豆泥吗
Do they do mashed potatoes?
我可以问问 土豆泥不难做
I can ask, I mean, it's very easy to make.
行吧
Okay.
-行吗 -行 就这么办吧
- Yeah? - Yeah, let's do this.
太好了
Great.
妈妈
接听 拒接
挺好的嘛
Very nice.
话说 这地方待会儿会不会开始脱衣啊
Hey, does this turn into a topless place later?
不会的吧
I don't think so, no.
我跟你说 我真的很高兴我们能出来坐坐
Listen, I'm really glad we decided to go out, man.
就我们两个男人
Just us two guys.
是啊 你先找个地方坐下吧
Yeah, do you wanna just have a seat
我去拿酒
and I'll just get this first round.
你喝什么
What would you like?
我来一杯威士忌吧
Yeah, I'll have a scotch.