爆笑情报处（2020）

爆笑情报处
第一季 第三集
玛丽 马上到会议室来
Mary, boardroom now.
杰瑞 乔瑟夫
Jerry, Joseph.
快点
Quickly.
我们时间有限
We haven't got long.
就等你们了 先生们
Whenever you're ready, gentlemen.
大家都怎么样呀
So how's everyone doing, huh?
我们都还好吗
Are we all okay?
你的肩可真僵硬
Wow, you're tight.
克丽丝 我们弄点百吉饼和馅饼来好吗
Chris, can we get some bagels and maybe some pastries?
我还想要一小罐蜂蜜
Also, I'd love a little pot of honey
再来份香辣茄酱管式意面
and some pasta arrabiata.
-你要不要再来杯咖啡 -不 我还是不喝了吧
- Do you want another coffee? - No, I'd better not.
好了 首先
Okay, so first of all,
我想感谢你们所有人
I would just like to thank all of you
今晚留下来加班
for staying through the night.
不客气 我可喜欢这样了
No, I love it like this.
我的某些最棒的决定
You know, some of the best decisions
就是在晚上做出的
I've ever made were at night.
我们上吧
Let's do this.
我要喝杯咖啡
I will have some coffee.
坐下
Sit.
好了 你们都知道
Okay, so as you are aware,
目前 经图瓦查明 一种多态病毒让所有
currently all key NHS systems are down as a result
关键的国民医疗服务体系的计算机系统都崩溃了
of what Tuva has identified as a polymorphic virus.
图瓦
Tuva.
是多态病毒
It's polymorphic virus.
谢谢你
Thank you.
总之 我们检测出了侵入国民医疗服务体系网络的
In short, we have detected the destructive subsection
恶意软件的破坏性片段
of malware which has infiltrated the entire NHS network,
它让全国所有的医务人员
preventing all doctors and nurses
都无法访问患者的病历
from accessing patient records across the country.
提个小建议
Just as a little tip,
你说话的时候最好时不时歇下来喘口气
you might want to take a breath every now and then.
问题到底有多严重啊
So how big a deal is this, I mean really?
极其严重
Huge.
约三分之一的英国人每天使用国民医疗服务体系
Approximately one in three Britains uses the NHS every day.
再过五小时 事态就会陷入混乱
In five hours, it'll be chaos.
要我说 如果只有三个人用
Well, I mean, if it's just three people,
我八成可以亲自把他们治好
I could probably treat them myself.
我说的是三分之一的人口
I said one in three.
即便如此
Even so.
那帮人天天都用国民医疗服务体系干什么啊
Why are those same people using the NHS every day?
看 这就是免费医疗的弊病所在
See, that's the problem with free health care.
砰 扔麦 精辟
Boom, mic drop.
如果这泄露出去 就会引起极大的恐慌
If this gets out, there will be mass panic.
玛丽 方差分♥析♥的结果怎么样
Mary, what's the variance analysis?
有好消息 也有坏消息
Well, there's good news and bad news.
你想先听哪个
Which would you like first?
-无所谓 -好消息
- I don't care. - The good news.
不 总是应该先说好消息
No, you should always deliver the good news first.
这样的话
That way there's a chance
听众就有可能完全无视坏消息
that the person might not even hear the bad news.
我其实非常认同这点
I completely agree with that, actually.
我有次和朋友开派对 唱《生日快乐》歌♥
I was once singing Happy Birthday at a friend's party
唱得十分嘹亮 没人发现那栋楼着火了
so loud no one even heard that the building was on fire.
-你想说的是这个意思吧 -不是
- Is that what you meant? - Nope.
玛丽 请继续说
Mary, please continue.
我们时间很紧
We are on a ticking clock here.
好的 好消息是
Okay, so the good news is that
可以确定 病毒的来源单一
the virus is definitely running from a single source,
我也将范围缩小到
and I've managed to narrow down
我们给系统捉虫需要查哪几条代码
which codes we need to go through to debug the system.
有多少条
How many?
大约有多少条
Approximately?
大约5万条
About 50,000?
好吧
Right.
那坏消息呢
And the bad news?
等等 刚刚这条还不算坏消息吗
Wait, whoa, that wasn't the bad news?
因为这种病毒非常不稳定
Because the virus is so unstable,
我们没办法用计算机处理输出
there's no way of us handling the output digitally.
我们得手动操作 清查所有的条目
We're going to have to go through all the entries by hand.
操 搞什么鬼
What the fuck?
杰瑞
Jerry.
还没完呢
There's more.
好吧
Right.
克丽丝 我们能单独谈谈吗
Chris, can you and I have a word in private?
不能
No.
好吧 那麻烦大家都把耳朵捂起来好吗
Okay, then can everyone please cover your ears?
反正我也没听
I'm not listening anyway.
如果这是场演习的话 你可以告诉我
You know, you could tell me if this is a drill.
这不是演习
It's not a drill.
我们不会通宵演习的
We don't run drills through the night.
恕我失礼
With respect,
但如果这是演习 你就会这么说 对吧
isn't that exactly what you'd say if this were a drill, though?
恕我失礼
With respect,
如果这不是演习 我也会这么说 不是吗
isn't it also exactly what I would say if it weren't?
抱歉 我完全没听明白
Sorry, you completely lost me.
抱歉 这是在演习吗
Sorry, is this a drill?
这不是演习
It's not a drill.
这不是演习
It's not a drill.
什么
What?
-演习 -抱歉
- A drill! - Sorry.
我觉得这是场演习
I think it's a drill.
行吧 如果我们要手动操作
Okay, well, if we're doing this by hand,
就最好赶紧开工
we'd better crack on.
但更快的做法
Surely it'd be quicker
难道不是直接找出罪魁祸首
to just go after whoever's responsible
然后在他的主机上杀死病毒吗
and disable the virus from their own machine?
军情五处已经开始调查幕后黑手了
MI-5 are already looking into who may be behind this.
棒极了 那我们应该去帮帮他们
Great, then we should give them a hand.
逮捕罪魁祸首不在我们的职权范围之内
Apprehending the culprit isn't our job, I'm afraid.
你知道我接受过罪犯侧写
You know that I'm trained in profiling
和强力审讯方面的训练吧
and enhanced interrogation, right?
即便我方真的要用这些手段
Even if we did use those methods over here,
也轮不到我们上场
it's not our job.
我们开始干活好吗
Shall we make a start?
克丽丝 说真的
Chris, seriously.
乔瑟夫和我已经
I mean, Joseph and I have already
顺藤摸瓜 锁定了嫌犯
made excellent progress honing in on a suspect.
要我说 从职业角度考虑
And I mean from a career point of view,
这简直就能让你去军情五处平步青云
wouldn't it stand you in good stead for a position at MI-5?
你为何觉得我想去军情五处工作
What makes you think I want to work at MI-5?
在座的各位不都想去军情五处工作吗
Doesn't everyone here want to work for MI-5?
我以为这里像临时圈养用的围场
I just assumed this place was like a holding pen.
给你两分钟来说服我 开始
You have two minutes to convince me. Go.
好极了
Excellent.
乔瑟夫 给她看看我们目前的成果
Joseph, show her what we've got.
我已经写好了一个程序 老天保佑
Okay, so I have written a program that, fingers crossed,
应该能够预测出
should be able to predict
这次网络攻击背后的黑客是男是女
whether the person behind this cyber attack is male or female.
这样可以缩小范围
This can narrow down.
我想让你把范围缩小
I want you to narrow it down
到一半人口
to half the population.
你打算怎么做 挨家挨户敲门吗
What do you plan to do, knock on each of their doors?
那是圣诞老人的活儿
It's what Santa does.
抱歉 开个玩笑 很明显
Sorry, that was a joke, obviously,
只是想让你别这么瞪着我
just to take the edge off how you're looking at me.
乔瑟夫的意思是
What Joseph means is
既然我们有一个能用得上的程序
now that we have a working program,