爆笑情报处（2020）

近鸡者 只会叫[近墨者黑]
you hang around with chickens, you cluck.
近鹰者 却会飞[近朱者赤]You hang around with eagles, you fly.
我懂 但是你要知道老鹰
Yeah, I know but the main thing with eagles though
基本上都精神病
is that they all have mental health problems.
都弄好了
All done.
-所以你们到底什么时候... -失陪了
- So when is actually... - Excuse me.
太感谢你了
Yeah, thank you.
老兄 说真的 你都怎么保持身材的
Dude, seriously, how do you stay in shape?
我以前是个体操运动员
Well, I used to be a gymnast
但是我后来身躯太健硕了
but I just got too big.
我懂 我也是
Yeah, I know, me too.
你都干些什么
So what kind of stuff?
你能给我露两手吗
I mean, can you show me something?
我有一段时间没跳了
It's been a while.
来嘛 老兄
Come on, man.
我很久没练习了
I'm out of practice.
来嘛
Come on.
你们好啊
Hey guys.
-来嘛 露一手 -行吧 瞧好了
- Come on yeah! - Okay, watch this.
天呐 我♥操♥啊
Wow, what the fuck!
太酷了
That was great.
实在是...
That was...
-你看见了吗 -我看见了
- Did you see that? - Yeah, I did.
我以前在体操俱乐部的时候也经常做这个
Well, I used to do that all the time when I was in gym club.
什么 你以前是个体操运动员吗
What, you were a gymnast?
我基本上练战斗翻滚那样的
It was mostly combat rolls, that kind of thing.
-战斗翻滚是什么 -就是说啊
- What's combat roll? - Yeah.
等一下哦 让我
Well, hang on let me just,
我需要一点空间来...谢谢
I just need a bit of space to... Thank you.
就像
It's sort of like,
让你的腿这样翻来翻去
get your leg over sort of like this.
你付钱请人教你做这个吗
You paid someone to teach you that?
是啊
Yeah.
这不就是个泰迪熊卷嘛
Isn't that just a teddy bear roll?
没错 是战斗翻滚
Yeah, combat roll.
不过我们以前经常在我的卧室里练习更难的动作
But we used to practice a lot more complicated stuff in my bedroom.
比如什么动作
Like what?
我现在演示不了
I can't really demonstrate here
因为这里没有足够的空间
because it's not the space,
高度也不够
and it's not the height?
对你这矮子还不够吗
For you?
-来嘛 -我真的没法演示
- Come on. - I just can't really.
我还没热身
I'm not warmed up.
乔瑟夫 乔瑟夫 乔瑟夫 乔瑟夫
Joseph, Joseph, Joseph, Joseph!
乔瑟夫 乔瑟夫 乔瑟夫 乔瑟夫
Joseph, Joseph, Joseph, Joseph!
行吧 行吧
Okay, okay!
乔瑟夫 乔瑟夫
Joseph, Joseph!
乔瑟夫
Joseph?
你饿了吗
You hungry?
我可以吃点
I could eat.
星期五
老天
Man!
怎么了
Yeah?
嘿 搞什么鬼啊
Hey, what the fuck?
你还好吗
Is everything okay?
好啊 怎么了
Yeah, why?
你知道我被泰瑟枪击中了吧
You know I got tased, right?
不 我知道这事 但是你怎么
No, I know that, but what are you,
出什么事了
what happened?
就是想改变下形象
Just fancied a change.
怎么的 从男人变成女人吗
What, from man to woman?
你把头发怎么了
What'd you do to your hair?
我想染成金头发
I wanted to make it blonde.
别吧
No.
不行吗
No?
不行 金发跟你这个肤色是绝对不搭的
No, that would never work with someone of your coloring.
你最终会像只小蜜蜂
And you end up looking like a bee.
老兄
Buddy.
所以你
So have you,
现在和汤姆结束了
you're finished with Tom now.
他回去了吗 他在哪
Is he gone back, where is he?
他下午晚点会过来
He'll be in later this afternoon.
我们昨晚喝得烂醉
We got totally shit faced last night.
怎么了
What's up?
没什么
Nothing.
慢着 等一下
Wait, wait a minute.
兄弟 你这样是因为汤姆吗
Dude, is this because of Tom?
不是
No.
听着 你需要放松
Listen, you need to relax
自己做自己的主人
and just be your own man.
好吗 做你自己
Okay, you do you.
这是你能做的最酷的事情了
That's the coolest thing you could do.
-好吧 -好吗
- Yeah. - Okay?
好的
Yeah.
只要你
Well yeah, just as long as
你和我保持...
you and I get to...
什么
What?
你懂的 保持...
Well, you know, remain...
什么 像这样吗
What like this?
是啊
Yeah.
当然 这永远不会改变
Yeah, no this will never change.
好的 谢谢你 太好了
All right, thank you, good.
所以你今晚有什么安排吗
So what are you doing tonight?
你想要去电影院或者哪里吗
Do you want to go out to the cinema or something?
不了 我今晚又要和汤姆出去
No, I'm out again tonight with Tom.
你最后一次和巴纳比相见是什么时候
So when was the last time you saw Barnaby?
天呐 可能是四十年前了
Gosh, maybe 40 years ago now.
不过我依然每天都在想着他
I still think about him every day, though.
我能问下吗 你还是处♥女♥吗
Can I ask, are you still a virgin?
是啊
Yes,
但也就最近才成为处♥女♥的
but only fairly recently.
那你上一次洗假发是什么时候
And when was the last time you washed your wig?
我这不是假发
It's not a wig.
汤米 你好呀
Tommy, hey.
听着 我想着举办个生日酒会
So listen, I was just thinking of having some birthday drinks.
我去不了 对不起
I can't, I'm sorry.
别呀 又不是今晚
No, it's not tonight.
抱歉 我应该说清楚一点的
Sorry, I should have been clearer.
我知道今晚你和杰瑞有安排
I know you and Jerry got a thing tonight,
没关系的
which is fine.
不 我的意思是一般情况下
No, I just mean in general.
我可能去不了
I probably can't make it.
好吧 没事
Well, that's cool.
没关系
That's cool.
反正我的时间也不是很灵活 我也有安排了
I'm not really flexible anyway. I'm booked anyway 'cause yeah.
告诉我就行了
Just let me know.
我正在告诉你
I am letting you know.
我去不了
I can't make it.
先别忙着排除任何可能嘛
Well, let's not rule anything out.
我的生日八个月后才到呢 汤姆
I mean it's not for eight months, Tom.
听着 我要你们几个守住这里
Okay, I want you guys here.
这里 这里 这里 还有这里 全部遍及
Here, here, here, and here throughout.
明白了吗
Got it?
另外 我要你们在这里多腾出一点空间
Also, I'm gonna need you to clear a little more space over here
以防我要施展空手道
just in case I need to do karate.
我曾经有一个保镖朋友
I had a bodyguard buddy
他丢了工作
who lost his job
就因为关键时刻没有足够的空间让他施展空手道
because there wasn't enough space for him to do karate at a key moment.
好了 后退一点
All right, back up a bit.
再退一点 再退一点
Little more, little more.
好 往那边再过去三四步
Yeah, another two or three feet, right over there.