爆笑情报处（2020）

政♥府♥通信总部网络安全中心
爆笑情报处
第一季 第二集
早安
Morning.
早安 还好吗
Morning, all right?
星期三
是否阻止永久删除
这是什么意思
What does that mean?
是否阻止永久删除
是否阻止永久删除
你确定吗
所有文件全部被删除
如何恢复被删除的文件
艾芙琳 能给我一份热浓汤吗
Um, Evelyn, can I get a hot squash please?
为什么 有孩子要来吗
Why, is there a kid coming?
是给我自己喝的
Well, it's for me.
抱歉我迟到了
So sorry I'm late,
我住的那家酒店健身房♥太破了
the hotel I'm staying at doesn't have a decent gym,
所以我不得不一路自♥由♥奔跑而来
so I had to free run it all the way here.
自♥由♥奔跑是什么
Free run, what's that?
瞧好了 学着点 宝贝
Watch and learn, babe.
你查到关于中国的最新消息了吗
Do you have an update on China?
实际上 我在国安局的朋友和我
Actually, my buddy at the NSA and I,
做了一番惊天动地的研究
did some pretty breathtaking work on that.
这是一流的情报 我朋友是最棒的
This is first rate intel, my guy is the best.
这是从维♥基♥百♥科♥上直接复♥制♥下来的
This is just taken from Wikipedia.
没错 你们这里也有维♥基♥百♥科♥吗
Right, you have that here?
能给我一杯蛋白质奶昔吗
Oh, can I get a protein shake?
好的 你想要牛肉的还是羊肉的
Yes, would you like lamb or beef?
谢谢 你可以出去了 艾芙琳
That'll be all thanks, Evelyn.
这倒提醒了我 我该找谁说更换酒店的事
That reminds me, who do I talk to about switching hotels?
显然不是找我 也显然不是现在说
Certainly not me, certainly not now.
因为我需要一个全天候供应有机鸡胸肉的酒店
Because I need a place that serves organic chicken breast like 24/7.
好了 先告诉你们一声
Okay, so, just so that you know,
网络安全中心的全体人员都要重做能力倾向测试
everyone at Cy-sec will be having to redo their APT tests
什么 真的吗
What, really?
这是因为我不小心删除了
Is that because I accidentally deleted
整个部门员工的个人档案
the entire department's personnel files
和此前的能力倾向测试得分吗
and all previous aptitude scores?
你以为呢
What do you think?
有没有可能只是个巧合呢
Could it just be a coincidence?
我觉得这是个大好的机会
You know this is actually a perfect opportunity
可以让我了解大家的能力和性格
for me to get to know where everyone's at.
你不过是国安局的一个联络官
As merely liaison with the NSA,
你为何觉得你需要知道大家的能力和性格
what makes you think you need to know where everyone is at?
谁知道我以后要跟他们联络什么信息呢
Who knows what I'm going to need to liaise with them about, right?
再说了 我们在国安局
Plus, we run aptitude tests
大概每隔几小时就要能力倾向测试
at the NSA like, every few hours
就为了确保我们的水平时刻都是拔尖的
just to make sure we're all constantly at the top of our game.
这将让我们有机会看看
And this will give us a chance to see
你是否是顶尖水平的
if you're at the top of yours.
你什么意思 我不用参加测试
What do you mean? I'm exempt.
为什么你不用参加测试
Why would you be exempt?
因为我是国安局的
Because I'm NSA
我觉得那你就更该参与测试了
I would say that's even more reason for you to take the test,
毕竟你现在是团队中的一员了
you're one of the team now, so to speak.
或许你我应该私下里商谈这事
Maybe you and I should talk about this privately.
我不希望因为我拿最高分而打击了士气
I just don't wanna lower morale by getting the highest score.
我相信团队里的人一定都会理解的
I'm sure the team will understand.
我猜你一定知道其中有测谎的部分吧
I presume you're aware it involves a polygraph test?
克丽丝 问个假设性的问题
Chris, hypothetical question,
对于那些
what would happen to someone
在政♥府♥通信总部工作 目前表现完全没问题的人
who's currently working at GCHQ doing absolutely fine,
在工作过程中或许出现过一些小问题
might've encountered a few little hiccups along the way
但在下一轮的测试中表现不太好怎么办
but then doesn't end up faring so well in this next round of tests?
我觉得你会被开除吧
I'd say you'd be fired.
我不是在说我自己
Oh, I wasn't talking about me.
恐怕正向差别待遇最多也只能优待到这种地步了
There's only so far we can take positive discrimination, I'm afraid.
是指针对少数群体的优♥惠♥政策
我从来就不明白这点
You know, I've never really understood that.
就是一个不是白人的人
Oh, well it's when someone who isn't white,
在工作上却是拔尖水平的
is actually really good at what they do.
并不是这意思
That's not it.
不 我懂它的意思
No, I get what it means,
我就是不明白为什么要搞任何差别待遇
I just don't see why we should be discriminating on any level,
不管是正向的还是负向的
positive or negative,
听着 归根结底
Look, ultimately,
我只是希望最合适的人选得到最好的工作
I just want the best candidates to win the best job.
谢谢 我同意
Thank you, I agree.
你为什么在点头
Why are you nodding?
不管那个人是黑人 白人还是你们这个种族的
Regardless of whether the white, black or your thing,
你好呀
Hello.
我有2%的美洲土著民血统
You know, I'm two percent native American,
但是根本看不出来
bet you couldn't tell.
我向来都能看出来
I can always tell.
所有人的祖先都是黑人 不是吗
Well, I mean, we were all black once weren't we?
那不是种族歧视 就是我妈常说的一句话而已
Oh, that's not racist, it's just something mum says.
突然新闻: 伦敦爆发炭疽病
炭疽病大爆发
Anthrax attacks!
-炭疽病啊 -我的天啊
- Anthrax! - Oh, my god.
好极了 是我的鸡肉吗
Ah, great, is that my chicken?
是的 我不知道你喜欢吃哪个部位的肉
Yes, and I didn't know what you liked
所以我把鸡腿肉和鸡胸肉都各买♥♥了一些
so I just got a mix of thighs and a couple of big breasts.
你做过背景调查了吗
Did you do a background check?
-鸡肉的背景吗 -是啊
- On the chicken? - Yeah
就是普通烤肉店的鸡肉而已
It's just a rotisserie chicken.
所以我们不知道这是不是有机的吗
So we don't know if it's organic?
目前还不知道
Not yet, no.
把门关上
Close the door.
百叶窗也拉上
Shut the blinds.
坐下
Sit down.
我一直在想着明天的测试
So I've been thinking about these tests tomorrow.
天啊 我也是
Oh God, me too,
如果我的得分很低 希望他们只是将我降职就好
hopefully they'll just demote me if I get a bad score.
我觉得他们应该不会真的开除我
I don't think they'll actually fire me.
你还可以被降职吗
Is it even possible for you to get demoted though?
你是这里职位最低 工资最少的人 不是吗
I mean you're the least paid here, right?
你为什么这么说
What makes you say that?
听着 或许我们可以彼此帮助一下
Listen, maybe we could help each other out,
如果由我来监督测试工作呢
What if I was the one overseeing the tests?
等等 你会帮我通过吗
Wait, you'd help me pass?
我必须先看看你的分数到底有多糟糕
Well I'd have to take into account just how bad your score was,
我不想做得太明显
I wouldn't want it to be too obvious.
是啊 当然不了
No, of course not.
再说 有时团体里的某个人
Plus you know, sometimes it's a good thing
考不及格是好事
for a certain person in the group to fail
这样大家就有机会见识这种情况
just so everyone gets to see what that looks like.
嗯 我能理解 所以
Yeah, no I can get that, so what,
你是想让我故意考不及格吗
do you want me to fail on purpose?
我不费吹灰之力就能做到
'cause I can easily do that.
不 绝对不是 我的意思是
No, definitely not, all I mean is
如果泰坦尼克号♥当年成功跨过大西洋抵达纽约
if the titanic had successfully crossed the Atlantic to new york,
你以为那部同名电影
do you really think that film
能狂赚21亿美元票房♥吗
would've grossed 2.1 billion dollars at the box office?
我 我还是没懂你的意思
I don't...still don't know what you mean,
你是说那船是故意沉到海底的吗
are you saying that it sank on purpose?
不 我想说的是你应该跟着我
No, all I'm saying is that you should stick with me,
就不会有任何问题
and everything will be okay.
这倒是真的
Wow, that's true,
不过《狮子王》里的刀疤也是这么说的 不是吗
but that's what Scar says in the Lion King, isn't it,
然后一切就被他搞得天翻地覆
and then it all goes tits up.
所以上头签署通过这个了吗
So what, have upstairs signed off on this then?
算是吧
Yes, kind of.
克丽丝的上级是谁
Who does Chris report to?
-鲁伯特 -那就还没
- Rupert.- Then no.
好吧 那我可以帮你搞定
All right, I can sort you out then.