爆笑情报处（2020）

Well, wait a minute, couldn't we just pretend
我几个月前娶了你们当中的一个人
that I married one of you guys months ago
然后伪造文件
and forge the documents?
-图瓦 你能不能... -不行
- Tuva, would you... - No.
那玛丽呢
What about Mary?
天呐 我很乐意
Ooh, gosh, I'd love to.
只是我跟昆廷已经开始恋爱了 你懂的
It's just me and Quentin have started, you know...
不 没事 反正大家也不会相信
No, it's okay, people wouldn't have bought us
我们是一对 毕竟你的脸...你懂的
as a couple anyway, given your whole, you know, face.
那还能有谁呢
Who else is there?
怎么了
What?
听好了 我们得把这事做得毫无破绽
Okay, we need to make this absolutely bulletproof.
国安局会查证人证词
The NSA are gonna wanna see witness testimonials,
结婚证书 婚礼视频
marriage certificates, wedding footage.
那你妻子呢
What about your wife?
梅丽莎
Melissa.
你能把她杀了吗
Can you kill her off?
我是说 在文件里显示死亡
On paper, I mean.
当然 没问题
Sure, I can do that.
能写成被鳄鱼咬死的吗
Can it be crocodiles?
当然 没问题
Sure, I can do that.
你打算说你是什么时候结婚的
When do you want to say that you got married?
9月11日吧
9/11?
不行 得是最近的事才行
No, it's gotta be more recent than that.
我刚看到有好多婚礼套餐
I just read a lot of hotel wedding packages
在那天特别便宜
were much cheaper that day.
嘿 我不想要便宜货
Hey, I don't wanna go cheap.
如果我们要结婚 就必须来整套的 不能含糊
If we're gonna go through with this, I wanna go all out.
好极了
Great.
我做这事 不会被国安局找麻烦吧
I won't get into trouble with the NSA for doing this, will I?
听着 一切由我来承担 好吗
Listen, this is all on me, okay?
如果你们被追责 我紧随其后
If you guys go down, I'll be right behind you.
妈妈来电
为了让国安局相信
Okay, so for the NSA to buy this,
他们必须认为我们深爱彼此
they have to believe that we are completely in love.
而且我们对彼此爱得深沉
And that our love for each other is so intense,
如果我离开你 会让你心碎 懂了吗
it would break your heart if I left you, okay?
你觉得可以吗
Can... Are you comfortable with that?
当然 没问题
God, yeah, yeah.
好 我们开始吧
All right, let's do this.
-把工牌拿掉 -好
- Oh, take that off. - Okay.
你想放这...
Do you wanna put it...
不不 扔在地上就行了
No, no, just throw it on the floor.
很好 微笑 微笑
Great, smile, smile.
我该这样轻抚你吗
Should I hold you like that?
-不要 没必要 -不用吗
- No, you don't need to. - No?
微笑
Smile.
好的
Okay.
-你们准备好了吗 -我们应该大笑
- Are you ready? - We should be laughing
显得我们很投入
as we kind of go into it.
好
Okay.
那你和杰瑞在一起多久了
So how long have you and Jerry been an item?
天呐 我想想
God, well...
从他到达的那天起
Since the first day he arrived.
就像是被公牛击中了小心脏
I mean, it was like being attacked by a bull.
你不介意年龄差吗
And did you mind the age difference?
-不怎么介意 -不
- Not really, no. - Yeah, no.
-我不介意 -挺怪的吧 但我不介意
- No, I didn't. - It was weird, no, no.
我觉得当你真的爱一个人时
I mean, I think when you're truly in love when someone,
你就看不到年龄差了
you just don't really see an age.
是啊
Yeah.
尽管我们的年纪差得很多
You know, even when it's really quite big,
但没错 我偶尔半夜会醒来
but yeah, occasionally I'll wake up at night
然后想着 "天呐 我70岁时
and just be like, "Oh God, you know, when I'm 70,
他大概都130 140岁了吧"
"He'll be, what, 130, 140?"
我们还是继续下一个话题吧
We should probably move on.
但是 性♥爱♥真是...
But I mean, the sex is...
-真是怎样 -别说了吧
- Is what? - Don't talk about it?
算了 我觉得我们不该谈...
Yeah, I don't think we should talk...
-别提那个了 -没什么 没什么
- Let's not mention that. - It's nothing, it's nothing.
那你和杰瑞现在住在一起吗
So are you and Jerry living together now?
-是的 -当然了
- We are. - Oh, absolutely.
-我们住一起 -谢天谢地
- Yeah, we are. - Thank goodness,
因为有那么一阵 我们要经常分开
'cause there was a while there that it was almost painful
-那简直是度日如年 -非常艰难的
- that we were apart so much... - It was a very difficult
24小时 不过 我还和我爸住在一起
24 hours, but, I mean, I'm still living with my dad,
所以地方比较挤 对吧
so it is quite tight, isn't it?
是的
Yep.
这个笑容 真让我心动
This smile, just, oh.
抱歉 为了剪辑 你问问孩子的事吧
Sorry, for the edit, maybe ask about kids.
-没错 -就像是我们
- Yes. - You know, like we've
-一直在谈论要孩子的事 -好的
- been talking about kids. - Okay, okay.
我觉得这能有帮助
I think it'll help the case.
你喜欢孩子吗
Do you like kids?
我喜欢
I like kids.
我们都喜欢孩子
We both like kids.
正巧你问到这了 因为
It's funny you should ask, because...
我们有五个孩子
We have five kids.
你们有五个孩子
You have five kids.
都多大了
And how old?
他们现在多大了
How old are they now?
好吧
Yes.
这个嘛 他们现在...
Well, they're, well...
五岁 四岁 三岁
Five, four, three,
两岁 还有个一岁
two, and one.
好吧 这段算是废了 都不能用
Yeah, we're not gonna be able to use any of that.
听着 我只想谢谢你的配合
Listen, I just wanna thank you for your cooperation.
你本可以让我们很难做
You could have made this a whole lot more difficult.
不客气
Any time.
别误会我
Don't take this the wrong way,
但在美国 你有个外号♥
but we have a nickname for you back in the states.
铁幕娘子
The iron curtain.
你是无法穿透的[插入]You're impenetrable.
这话我为什么会误会
Why would I take that the wrong way?
昨晚我非常享受
I very much enjoyed last night.
嗯 我也是
Yes, me too.
我只是想着 你能否翻查一下你的床底下
I'm just wondering if you could check under your bed.
我的外置硬盘[假鸡♥巴♥]不见了
My external hard drive's gone missing.
我没看到
I haven't seen it.
那东西很敏感
It's very sensitive.
昆廷 你的相机拿了吗
Quentin, do you have your camera?
是的
Yes.
好 准备好
Okay, get ready.
你确定这件可以吗
Are you sure this is gonna be okay?
这是唯一一套合你尺码的西装了 抱歉
It's the only suit we had in your size, sorry.
不行 我不能在婚礼前见你
No, I'm not supposed to see you.
会倒霉的
It's bad luck.
那我该从后面出来吗 还是
So should I just walk in from the back, or...
算了 准备音乐了吗
Yeah, do you have any music?
我可以唱歌♥
I could sing something.
这就看新娘怎么决定了
Oh, well that's up to the bride.
可以 那太好了
Oh no, I'd love that.
酷
Cool.
好
Okay.
就这么做
Let's do this.
收到情报 在政♥府♥通信总部发现科拉斯莫夫内奸
科拉斯莫夫内奸
在政♥府♥通信总部
好了 我觉得可以了
Okay, I think we're good.
好极
Cool.
唱得很美
It was beautiful.
乔瑟夫 跟着我念
Joseph, repeat after me.
跟着我念
Repeat after me.