弗兰奇·博伊尔：曲马朵之夜（2010）

哥们你咋样啊 你是干啥的啊
How are you doing, man? What's your story?
飞机维修技术人员
Aircraft mechanic.
飞机维修技术人员 哪种飞机
An aircraft mechanic? What sort of aircraft?
瑞安航♥空♥公♥司♥的737
737s, for Ryanair.
瑞安航♥空♥公♥司♥? 好极了
For Ryanair? Fantastic.
所以你就是管胶带的那个? 好极了
So you're the guy in charge of the gaffer tape? That's good.
你好啊小朋友
How are you doing, little fellow?
看着像个漂亮小姑娘
You've got a beautiful young lady.
你好啊 说说你的故事
How are you doing? What's your story?
木有故事
Don't have one.
木有故事? 你还在上学不?
You don't have one? You at school?
- 没有 - 没有? 那你是做什么的?
- No. - No? What are you doing?
游戏设计师
Games designing.
游戏设计师? 你多大了?
Games designing? How old are you?
- 18 - 然后你还是个游戏设计师?
- 18. - And you're a games designer?
简直像是在嘲笑我的人生啊
Just shows you how fucking shit my life's been.
我18岁那年 特么还在被性侵呢
When I was 18, I was being fucking sexually abused.
想想要是这事儿是真的 我在这边坦白了
Imagine if that was true, and I just came out with it here,
别管剧本台词了
and we just forgot about the sketches
我们开始告解大会吧
and it all became a confessional thing
然后有人说 "我也有一样经历啊 Frankie"
and then someone else went, "Yeah, me too, me too, Frankie".
另外就有人接 "我也是啊" 然后所有人都说
And someone else went "Yeah, me, too." Then everybody went,
"我也被性侵过" 我就只好承认 "我瞎说的"
"I was sexually abused,"then I had to go, "I was lying."
在电视上 老实说好多我说的话都被剪掉了
A lot of my stuff gets cut out on TV, if I'm honest.
有一次我参加一周讽刺秀的时候
We did a round on Mock The Week one time.
题目是 "在学徒节目上你听不到的话"
It was "Things you wouldn't hear on The Apprentice".
我说"这是史上第一次
I went "This is the first time ever
我无法在两个决赛选手中分出高下
I've not been able to separate our two finalists.
Margaret Nick 帮我把腿举起来 舔菊大赛开始
"Margaret, Nick, hold my legs up. It's a rim-off."
另外有一次题目是
There was a round one time -
"饭局上最煞风景的话"
"Things you would say that would change the atmosphere at a dinner party."
（Madeleine McCann失踪案）
我说 "我们都在这儿的话 谁在照看Madeleine啊"
I said, "If we're all here, who's looking after Madeleine?"
他们特么竟然剪了
They fucking cut it out!
你们相信伐
Can you believe that?
刚开始我想"好吧 他们要放到圣诞特辑里头"
At first I thought, "No, they're saving that bit for the Christmas special."
说道圣诞特辑 有一段也被他们剪了
There was a bit in the Christmas special they didn't show either.
题目是 "你不会在圣诞节听到的话"
It was, "Things you wouldn't hear at Christmas."
我说的是"槲寄生下的强♥奸♥不算真的强♥奸♥"
and I went "It's not rape, look these is misoleto"
我和Christine Bleakley一起参加了would i lie to you这个节目
I did the show would i lie to you with Christine Bleakley
当时她也在主持the One Show
when she was on the One Show.
我对她说 "Christine你长的不错
I said to her "Christine, you're a very beautiful woman.
也很有主持天赋
You're a very talented presenter.
为啥要和史瑞克一起主持the One Show
"Why do you have to present the One Show with Shrek?
你知道要闭着一只眼睛撸管有多困难吗
"Do you know how difficult it is for me to masturbate with one eye closed?"
她盯着我看了良久 说
And she looked at me for a minute and went,
你一边看the One Show一边捂着一只眼睛撸管吗
"You're masturbating to the One Show with a hand over your eye?"
我回答 "不 Christine 我戴一眼罩的 我需要两手抓两手都硬来着
I said "No, Christine,I wear an eye-patch because I need both hands."
现在的电视就只剩才艺秀了 对伐
All talent shows, TV now, isn't it?
Simon Cowell笑得那样儿 像是正在往游泳池里撒尿的贱笑
Simon Cowell doing that smile like he's taken a piss in a swimming pool.
而且这种节目根本就没有看点嘛
Can you even imagine something interesting happening
每次打开电视 评审就开始逼逼
on one of those shows? You switch on, and one of the judges is going,
"你想要向Gary Glitter致敬我能理解
"That was a wonderful tribute to Gary Glitter,
你直接唱首他的歌♥不成吗
but couldn't you have just sung one of his songs?"
他们在X元素节目上用了一周的软件修音
They had Auto-Tune on the X Factor for a week.
要是有这种技术 为啥不用在Cheryl Cole平时讲话的调调上
If that technology exists, why don't they use it on Cheryl Cole's speaking voice
好让她听起来不那么像拉响了狗狗的防狼警报器
so that she sounds less like a rape alarm for dogs?
这些节目就是唱唱卡拉OK 才不是摇滚
They're karaoke, those shows, not rock'n'roll.
你想象不了Jedward会做出酒后施暴这样的事儿
You can't imagine Jedward being involved in an incident of drunken violence.
除非你算上他们被怀上那次
Unless you count their conception.
辗转反侧?
'Tossing and turning?
难以入睡?
'Struggling to get to sleep?
别担心
'Well, don't.
不睡就成了
'Just stay up all the time.
你可以探索一下别人家的花♥园♥
'Get to use other people's gardens.
结识一下病友
'Meet like-minded people.
为当地的夜娼送上一些小点心
'Bring hot snacks to local night walkers.
然后在接下来的谋杀案调查中成为头号♥怀疑对象
'And become suspect number-one in any subsequent murder investigation.
在车里搞一个听众热♥线♥电♥话♥直播节目
'Ring a phone-in from your car.'
"我看到了这些新建的房♥子
'I'm just seeing all these new-build houses.
"新的你懂伐 新秩序 建立了
'New, yeah? New world order. Build.
比尔德堡组织那种的 你懂伐
'Bilderberg Group. You get me?'
也对 也对
Right, right.
你是我们本周的最佳听众 你获得的奖品是...
You are our caller of the week, and you have won...
大腿健美器一只
a Thighmaster!
整夜不睡意味着你有机会和愿意花时间倾听的人进行交流
'Staying up means you can have meaningful conversations with people who have time to listen.'
要是没有没有的话 哪里来的有呢
Without nothing, there'd be no something.
所以要是没有了不存在 我们永远不能存在
So without not being, we could never really be.
额 你是在把我吗
Er, are you asking me out?
是啊...没错...
Sure...yeah...
对 没错 我是啊
Yeah. Yes, I am.
永远放弃睡眠的话 你就能穿成雪人的样子
'Abandoning sleep for ever will allow you to dress up as a snowman
带小男孩儿来一次奇妙的旅程
'and take young boys on a magical adventure.'
你就是那个偷偷用我家跳床的二♥逼♥吧
You're the fucker that's been using our trampoline!
再加上你省下的油钱 以及卖♥♥掉床拿到的钱
'And with the petrol points you save and the money you make
你就可以环游世界了
from selling your bed, you can travel the world.
无论你怎么选择 你白天的工作一定改变很大
'Whatever happens, your day job will never be the same again.'
可能来杯咖啡能让他清醒一下
Maybe the coffee'll wake him up!
哎呦卧♥槽♥
Oh, fuck!
哥们儿 去找下他的证件
Check him for ID, man.
看看我们能找到啥啊哥们儿
What have we got here, big boy?
我不知道是怎么回事儿
I don't know what happened.
喂 我看见有个人动了一下 你仔细看看
Hey, I saw one of them move. You should check it out.
喂 兄弟 小声点儿
Hey, buddy, keep it down out there!
喂 你从上头看看 我感觉顶上好像是有人动了一下
Yeah, check it out up there. I think I saw someone move near the top.
你看完之后探身出来告诉我一下咋了
Check it out and then lean out and tell me what's happening.
尽量探出来 露个全脸
Lean out with your full face.
肩膀用力 人往外伸
Really use your shoulder muscles.
这就对了
That's it.
那晚之后 我再也没有做过这样的事儿
'After that night, I never did anything like that again.
我也从未被这事儿困扰过
'And I never really let it bother me.'
* 我曾经辉煌过 *
* I've had the time of my life *
* 不过我第一次有这种感觉 *
* No, I never felt this way before *
* 是的我发誓 *
* Yes, I swear *
* 这都是真的 *
* It's the truth *
（围脖上: 200个螃蟹成就）
* 都是你带来的 *
* And I owe it all to you. *
为啥老年人老喜欢呆在室内泳池
Why are old people always in a swimmimg bath
老在那儿泡着干嘛 一个个像特么水母一样飘着
What are they doing in there, bobbing about like fucking jelly fish?
操起来啊
Get to fuck!
为毛他们喜欢谜语书
Why are they always reading puzzle books?
等你到了70岁的时候 让你觉得费神的东西已经够多了
Surely by the time you get into your 70s, there's enough shit that puzzles you.
比如掏张五块毛票出来
Like forking out a fiver.
试试看自己录节目啊 看看能不能成功 你个老傻叉
Try and Sky Plus something, see how that works out, you old cunt.
你们知道那个精神科医生吗
Have you seen that psychiatrist
在患痴呆症的老年人体内植入微芯片
who's put microchips into old people with dementia,
这样要是他们走丢了 你就能卫星定位找到他们
so if they get lost, you can track them down with your sat-nav?
"矮油外婆可找到你了 怎么就藏在了车轱辘底下了"
"There you are, Granny, trapped under the wheel arch. We found you."
我觉得你们该试试咱家对付我爷爷的办法
I think you should just do what we did with my granddad
把他系在根绳上
and put him on a retractable leash.
听起来很过分 但是自此之后他从没丢过
Sounds harsh, but he never got lost.
从没摔过 也从没痴呆过
Never fell over. Never had dementia.
我爷爷是那种光靠读电♥话♥簿
My grand dad's one of those people that can make you laugh
就能把你逗笑的人
just reading the telephone directory.
他患有痉挛性瘫痪
He's a spastic.
Ricky Martin最近出柜了
Ricky Martin came out recently.
花了Ricky不少年头啊
That took a while, Ricky.
他当年那深柜深的 基本是在纳尼亚捅半羊人的菊了（一美躺枪）
He was so deep in the closet, he was bumming Mr Tumnus in Narnia.
我讨厌别人恐同 说不通啊
I hate homophobia. It doesn't even make sense.
基佬比直男有意思多了
Gay people are a lot cooler than straight people.
高尔夫球场上可见不到基佬
You never see a gay guy on the golf course.