泰格·诺塔洛：我又来了（2024）

“一 部 杰 作”
BUZZFEED
“最大胆的喜剧女演员”
《魅力》杂♥志♥
“喜剧界的一股力量”
INDIEWIRE
“动作英雄的心头好”
《纽♥约♥时♥报♥》
“激动人心”
《卫报》
泰格
诺塔洛
又见面了
《心与灵魂》
♪ 相隔千里的来电 ♪
♪ Hello from the other side ♪
♪ 至少我能说我已经尽力了 ♪
♪ At least I can say that I've tried ♪
♪ 对你说声对不起… ♪
♪ Tell you I'm sorry ♪
帕特里克
嘿 你怎么样了？
谢谢 帕特里克 情况已经
恶化到毛巾去了(我看到
拖拉机！)还有CHB
献给牛仔瑞克
大家好
Hello.
谢谢你们 布鲁克林的朋友们
Thank you, people of Brooklyn.
拜托 你们知道那不是我的风格
Come on. You know that's not my style.
天啊 这真是太令人兴奋了
Oh, my gosh, this is so exciting.
还有 我的妻子斯蒂芬妮 是今晚的导演
Also, my wife, Stephanie, is directing tonight.
好的 不过今晚我才是主角 好吗？
All right. Tonight's my night, though. Okay?
事实上 她到目前为止 在我们俩当中
Actually, she is, by far, out of the two of us,
是我们家最受欢迎的
the most popular in our family.
可能在其他地方也一样
And possibly elsewhere.
但是
But, um...
没错 她很出色
Yes, she's wonderful.
但我们经常一起工作
But we work together often times,
我们会一起出门 一起回家
and we'll leave and come home at the same time.
然后有一天 我自己一个人回家
And one day I came home by myself,
当我走进家门时 警报提示道：
and when I walked in, the alarm said,
“侧门打开了”
"Side door open."
然后我们的儿子开始大喊
And our son started yelling,
“妈咪回来了” “妈咪回来了”
"Mommy's home, Mommy's home!"
他们叫的是斯蒂芬妮
That's what they call Stephanie.
然后我转过拐角 我们的儿子芬恩回头看着我
And then I came around the corner and our son Finn looked back at me...
然后看着他的弟弟说：“原来是她”
and then looked at his brother and said, "It's just her."
仿佛是在说 不用费事了
As if to say, "Don't even bother
就连稍微转个头…都不值得
even slightly turning your head."
这种失望是个巨大的打击
The letdown is so monumental.
从我的错误中学习
Learn from my mistake.
在麦克斯和芬恩出世之前
Before Max and Finn came along,
大家总是给我们一些典型的建议
people told us all of the typical things
你们一定要去旅行 你们的睡眠时间会很少
of make sure you travel, you're not gonna get a lot of sleep.
没有人提到这种几乎每天
Nobody mentioned the utter humiliation
都要经历的尴尬至极的局面
that happens on a near-daily basis.
就像 “原来是她”
Like, "It's just her."
另一个例子是：
Another example:
在睡前 我和儿子麦克斯一起上楼
At bedtime, I was walking upstairs with our son Max,
他问我能不能给他讲个故事
and he asked if I would read him a story.
然后我就想 嗯 这挺好的
And I thought, "Well, this will be great."
我们可以共度一段特别的小时光
We can just have a little special moment together.
我会紧紧地依偎在他身边 给他读一本书
I'll snuggle in real close to him and read him a book.
他挑了个故事
He picks out a story.
然后我正在给他读
And I'm reading the book.
他只是盯着我看
He's just staring at me.
我大概读到第四、五页
I get to page, like, four or five,
然后他就说：“你能出去吗？”
and then he says, "Can you leave?"
没问题
"Absolutely.
我很抱歉
My apologies."
但你能感觉到 他就好像在说 “是的 我明白”
But you could tell he was just like, "Yeah, I get it.
“小动物想它的妈妈还是什么的”
The little animal misses its mommy or whatever,
“但我真的很累 所以…“快滚吧”
but, uh, I'm exhausted, so beat it."
有一次在半夜 我和斯蒂芬妮已经睡得很死了
Stephanie and I were completely dead asleep
芬恩突然走进来
in the middle of the night one time when Finn came in
直接挤进了我们中间
and just wedged his little body right between us.
他就这样挤了进来
Just got right in there.
然后在黑暗中 传来一抹小声音说
And then in the darkness, this little voice...
“我有两个妈咪吗？”
"I have two mommies?"
我说：“是的 你有两个妈咪”
I said, "Yes, you have two mommies."
然后他说：“我不想要两个妈咪”
And he said, "I don't want two mommies."
我就坐在那里想 天啊 这局面似乎已经难以收拾了
And I'm sitting there thinking, "Oh, my gosh, this train has left the station."
而且因为当时很暗 我无法跟斯蒂芬妮对视
And also, because it was dark, I couldn't make eye contact
使眼色问她 “我们该如何处理这个问题呢？”
with Stephanie to be like, "How are we gonna deal with this?"
但是过了一会儿 他说：“我想要三个妈咪”
But then a beat later, he said, "I want three mommies."
我听成“猫咪”-
I was like, "Phew."
好险啊
That was close.
但同时 我也从没想过 居然是我们的小儿子
But also, I never imagined it would be our young son
为我们打开了婚姻的大门
who would open up our marriage.
但作为一个好家长
But being a good parent,
我立马上网安排
I immediately got online.
我创建了一个新的个人页面
Started a new profile.
“一个正在寻找 第三个妈咪的小男孩”
Saying "Little boy in search of third mommy."
“仅接受最近的照片”
"Recent photos only."
他们现在七岁半了
They're seven and a half now,
开始感觉生活又恢复正常了
and it's starting to feel like life is kind of normal again
因为我们有足够的睡眠时间 也能够出去社交了
because we're getting sleep and we're going out and socializing.
我们去了电影首映会 我们晚上11点回到家 那是个重要的夜晚
We went to a movie premiere, got home at 11:00. It was a big night.
回到家后 斯蒂芬妮马上就睡着了
And when we got home, Stephanie immediately fell asleep.
而我因为肚子疼 一直无法入睡 我就想
And I was up with a stomachache, and I just thought,
“嗯 我不想因此打扰她” “我相信这没什么”
"Well, I'm not gonna bother her with this. I'm sure it's nothing."
我所有的健康问题 最后都不是什么大事 所以…
All of my medical issues end up not being a big deal anyway, so...
这次又会有什么不同呢？
Why would this be any different?
然后过了几个小时 情况变得越来越糟
And then a couple of hours pass and it just got worse and worse.
然后我直接转向她说 “天啊 我很痛苦”
And I just, I turned to her and I said, "Oh, my gosh,
“我肚子疼得要命”
I'm in so much pain and my stomach's killing me."
然后她迷迷糊糊地说
And she was really groggy and said...
“会不会是因为你在电影首映会上
"Do you think it was all the popcorn that you ate
吃太多爆米花了？”
at the premiere of the movie?"
然后我说 我不…
And I said, "Mm, I do not."
我吃爆米花已经快50年了
"I've been eating popcorn for almost 50 years now and, uh...
虽然不是一直吃 但也差不多 但这不是爆米花引起的疼痛
Not consistently, but almost, and this is not popcorn pain."
然后她说：“好吧 那你赶紧起来 换好衣服”
And she said, "Well, why don't you get up, get dressed,
“我们要去急诊室”
and we'll go to the emergency room
“因为我觉得我们不应该冒险”
because I don't think we should take any chances."
然后我说：“我甚至不确定 自己是否还能走路
And I said, "Well, I don't even know if I can walk.
“我真的很疼”
I'm in so much pain."
然后她说：“你走不了路？ 那我要打911了”
"And she said, You can't walk? Well, then I'm calling 911."
然后布鲁克林的朋友们…
And people of Brooklyn...
她打了911 结果一个高大的消防员
She called 911 and a gigantic fireman appeared
出现在我们卧室门口
at our bedroom door.
这家伙身高超过一米八 穿着橡胶靴
This guy was over six feet tall, had rubber boots on,
消防裤 肌肉发达
fireman pants, muscles out to here,
肩上挂着吊带 上身是光着的
suspenders, no shirt.
与此同时 我躺在床上感到非常无助
Meanwhile, I'm lying in bed feeling so vulnerable
因为我疼得很厉害
'cause I'm in terrible pain.
而且我还穿着睡袍…
Plus, I'm in my nightgown and...
你们觉得我会穿睡袍吗？
You think I wear a nightgown?
我？你们的朋友 泰格 你们觉得我会穿睡袍吗？
Me, your friend Tig, you think I wear a nightgown?
你们觉得我会这样 在房♥子里走来走去说
You think I'm walking around the house like...
“是谁？” “是谁？”
"Who is it? Who is it?"
因为那就是你穿着睡袍时会做的事
Because that's what you do when you wear a nightgown.
你会查看是谁来了
You find out who it is.
我想我最后一次穿睡袍 大概是1977的事了
I think the last time I wore a nightgown was probably 1977.
前面可能还印着小熊维尼的图案
Probably had a little Pooh Bear on the front
从陶罐里舀蜂蜜
scooping honey out of a clay pot.
面料是全涤纶的
Fully polyester.
我妈妈会走过走廊…
My mother would walk down the hall.
“晚安”
"Good night."
那天晚上那个消防员在哪里呢？
Where was the fireman that night?
我来告诉你们他在哪里吧
I'll tell you where he was.
我敢打赌他就躺在他那张…
I bet he was in his little bed
造型像消防车的小床上
that was in the shape of a fire truck.