芸芸众生（2021）

独奏
第二集 汤姆
想象一下与自己见面
Imagine meeting yourself.
你看到的是一个什么样的人
Who do you see?
- 不对 - 什么
- It's wrong. - What?
什么
What?
真要说吗
Really. What?
所有东西都不对 好吗 一切都不对
Look, everything. All right? Everything is wrong.
据说每次重聚都不一样
Well, I read that every reunion is different.
- 别说这是重聚 - 那你想让我叫它什么 汤姆
- Don't call it that. - What do you want me to call it, Tom?
我不知道 但这不是一场重聚
I don't know, but it's not a reunion.
我不该打电♥话♥
I shouldn't have called.
对吧 我就不该打电♥话♥
All right? I should have never called.
如果你没打电♥话♥ 我也不会在这里
I wouldn't be here if you hadn't called.
我说的就是这个
That's what I'm saying.
我的鼻子不是...
My nose isn't...
我有个...
I have a...
还有你的脖子
And your neck!
- 长得跟猪食槽似的 - 我们长得一样 汤姆
- It's all, like, fuckin' necky. - We're identical, Tom.
你觉得对我而言 第一次与你见面是件很轻松的事吗
You think this is easy for me, to meet you for the first time?
那当然了 对你而言一定很轻松
Well, fuckin' A, it must be easy for you.
如果你觉得你长得像我
If you think you look like me,
那一定像是中了头奖一样棒吧
it must be like winning a fuckin' jackpot!
你真是个混♥蛋♥
Oh, you're an asshole.
- 你不准那样叫我 - 我刚才就叫了 混♥蛋♥
- You can't call me that. - I just did, asshole.
你... 你不能那样 好吧
You... You can't do that. All right?
我们有... 有... 用户协议
There's... There's... There's a user agreement.
用户协议可不准你这样
It's not supposed to be like this.
那你想怎样 我们商业互吹吗
Well, what'd you expect, we'd blow each other?
我曾在《今日秀》里看过一场重聚 好吗
I saw one of these reunions on the "Today Show." Okay?
有位医生告诉我的 说我应该看看那节目
A doctor told me about it, said I should see it.
所以我就在油管上搜索了那个讨厌的节目... 看到了那位女士
So I YouTube'd the damn thing and... there she was.
我们国家的宝藏 欧塔·卡比
National treasure, Hoda Kotb.
她的节目嘉宾是一名卵巢癌患者老太太
She had this old woman on. Ovarian cancer. Her.
节目组请出了这位老太太的双胞胎姐妹
They brought out the old woman's twin.
老天 她们长得一模一样
God, they were identical.
像是一个模子里出来的
Carbon copy.
我是说... 那两个人
I mean... there were tears,
手拉着手哭了
and they were holding hands.
难以置信 我意思是...
And no one could believe it, I mean...
她的家人在现场 她们只是...
her family was there and they were just...
简直像是...
And it was all like...
所以我们今天才会在这里
That's why we're even here.
所以我才上网搜索
That's why I looked up the website.
所以我才打电♥话♥给客服中心
That's why I called the customer care rep,
付了三万块钱并且同意等六到八周
paid the 30 grand and agreed to wait six to eight weeks.
但一切都不对
It's just all fuckin' wrong.
我刚才就说了 每次重聚都不一样
Well, like I said, every reunion is different.
我说了别说这是重聚
I said don't call it that.
你想让我怎么说 汤姆
What would you like for me to call it, Tom?
我不知道
I don't know.
一次会议 一场商业会议
A meeting, a-a-a business meeting.
这种事大多都在发生在家里
Well, most of these are done at home.
我绝不会让你接近我的家人
Well, I would never let you near my family.
听着 我很遗憾欧塔·卡比不在这里
Look, I'm sorry Hoda Kotb isn't here.
这不关欧塔·卡比的事
It's not about Hoda Kotb.
这根本不可能像《今日秀》一样 汤姆
This was never gonna be like the "Today Show," Tom.
只因为那个公♥司♥选择了那个老太太
And it's because the company chose that old woman,
因为她和蔼可亲
because she was sweet and kind,
而且很会哭
and she was a good crier,
而且她是俄亥俄州阿克伦人 她也不是混♥蛋♥
and she was from Akron, Ohio, and she wasn't an asshole.
你是个混♥蛋♥ 汤姆
You are an asshole, Tom.
这是你的鼻子 你的眼睛
And this is your nose, and these are your eyes,
你的猪食槽一样的脖子
and your neck is pretty fuckin' necky.
我很遗憾要亲口告诉你这一切 但这是事实
I'm sorry to be the one to have to tell you that, but it's true.
我付三万块钱不是来挨骂的
I didn't pay 30 grand to be criticized like this.
我要打给客服中心
I'm calling customer care.
你知道那样做会对我造成什么后果吗
You know what that could do to me?
对 我知道
Yes, I do.
对 售后服务
Yes, returning customer.
对 贝内特 你好
Yeah, hi, Bennett, how are you?
我是汤姆·维高斯基
My name is Tom Wykgowski.
账号♥ 我没有账号♥
Account number? I don't have it.
我能问问...
Oh, I can just ask...
汤姆 你还在线吗
Tom, are you still there?
是的 我还在
Yeah, I'm still here.
854...
854...
33...
33...
2...
2...
9.
对 好 对 贝内特
Yes. Okay. Yes, hi, Bennett.
对 他今天过来了 对 但我付三万块换来的是...
Yes, he came today. Right. But I paid 30 grand for this...
他一点都不像我
He looks nothing like me.
好吧 行
All right, fine.
你知道吗 另外...
You know what? Looks aside...
他的言行一点都不像我 贝内特
He acts nothing like me, Bennett.
他... 他卑鄙 他会挖苦人
He's... He's petty, he's sarcastic,
他是个混♥蛋♥
and he's a fuckin' asshole.
不 贝内特 我不是个混♥蛋♥
No, Bennett, I'm not an asshole.
你可以随便查阅我的账号♥...
You can look up my account all you want...
什么是混♥蛋♥商
Well, what's an asshole quotient?
还有为什么我有七分
And how the hell am I a seven?
妈的... 听着 我要退款
Mother... Look, I want my fuckin' money back!
我要全额退款 没错
I want a full refund. That's right.
我会把他丢在最近的快递接收点
I'll drop him off at the nearest packaging center...
这原本要有欧塔·卡比那种感觉的
This is supposed to be more like Hoda Kotb!
怎么样 汤姆
How'd that go, Tom?
好吧
Well.
听着 你们公♥司♥的人说
Look, the guy from your company said
我的混♥蛋♥商是七
my asshole quotient is seven.
两天前你在发给你老婆的短♥信♥里
You called your daughter's friend a dipshit
称呼你女儿的朋友是笨蛋
two days ago over text to your wife.
- 贝莉就是个笨蛋 - 她才四岁 汤姆
- Well, Bailey is a dipshit. - She's four, Tom.
还有什么其他商吗
What other quotients are there?
生气是六
Anger is a six.
嘲讽是八
Sarcasm is an eight.
恐惧是九
Fear is a nine.
你跟谁说过这些东西
Who did you even talk to about this?
你妈妈
Your mom.
你跟我妈说过了
You talked to my mom?
而且我们聊得很开心
And I had a lovely time.
她说了什么
What did she say?
她告诉了我关于你的一切
Well, she told me all about you.
- 她说了什么 - 那些谈话是保密的
- What did she say? - That's confidential.
求你了
Please.
她说你小时候经常挖鼻孔
She said you picked your nose a lot as a kid.
她说你讨厌她做的金枪鱼砂锅
She said you hated her tuna casserole.
她说她有次撞见你
She said she once walked in on you masturbating
对着一集《飞天小女警》撸管
to an episode of the "Powerpuff Girls."
根本没那回事
That never happened.
她说她很生你的气
She said she's angry with you.
她不知道为什么你长达五个月
She doesn't know why you haven't called her
不给她打电♥话♥
in five months.
她恨我吗
Does she hate me?
- 她为什么恨你 - 我不知道
- Why would she hate you? - I don't know.
- 你的妈妈为什么要恨你 - 因为我要离开她了
- Why would your mother hate you? - 'Cause I'm leaving.
但你不会离开
But you're not leaving.
但我会离开
I am, though.
汤姆 你不会离开
Tom, you're not leaving.
我会离开
I'm leaving.
我还有四到五个月
Four to five months.
他们说我还能活这么久 对吧