芸芸众生（2021）

别忘了 我没收钱
Got to remember, I wasn't being paid for this.
卡尔说要给
I mean, Carl had offered,
但我觉得如果我收了
but I thought that if I took the cash,
他以肉体付我酬劳的可能性就小了
he'd be less likely to pay me in sex.
我知道我得让那孩子喜欢我
I knew I had to make the kid like me,
因为如果小孩喜欢我 那小孩他爸也会喜欢我
because if the kid liked me, then the dad would like me.
所以我放纵他胡闹
So I let him run wild.
像个小混混一样
Like a hooligan.
他在屋子里骑单车
He was riding his bike in the house,
把冰淇淋当晚饭吃
having ice cream for dinner.
太有意思了
Oh, it was so much fun.
多年来我最开心的时光
The most fun I had in years.
我都忘记那种感觉了
I forgot that feeling, you know?
就是
You know, just to be...
自♥由♥自在 不管不顾
free and fuckin' tear shit up.
我觉得在泰勒身边我可以做自己
I felt like I could be myself around Tyler.
他不会评判我
He didn't judge me.
他是总爱说蜘蛛侠的事
And yeah, he talked about Spider-Man a lot,
有时也是个啰唆无趣的小呆子
and he could be a tedious, dweeby little bore,
但他也很开放
but he was also just really open.
我知道这听上去很荒谬
I mean, I know that sounds ridiculous
因为我在说一个8岁孩子
'cause I'm talking about an eight-year-old,
但是...他有认真听我说话
but... he'd listen to me.
就好像我所说的东西很重要
Like what I had to say actually meant something.
我一直觉得很难
I have always found it so difficult
对其他人敞开心扉
to open up to people.
随便问个人 都会说我很内向
Ask anybody, I'm a very closed book.
而泰勒却会问我问题
And Tyler would ask me questions.
我会和他说实话
And I told him the truth.
实话实说
The actual truth.
我有多不希望成为珍妮·泰勒
How I hated being Jenny Taylor.
我不怪自己的生殖器官无法生育
How I didn't blame my reproductive organs for rejecting me.
就算知道我和我孩子有一样的基因
How I didn't know if I could ever love my own baby
我不知道我会不会爱我自己的孩子
knowing that we shared the same shitty DNA.
他也和我说了他的生活
I mean, he told me about his life, too.
他班上的那群混♥蛋♥
How the little turds in his class
是怎么嘲笑他的眼镜的
would bully him about his glasses.
我是说 我清楚为什么 因为眼镜太丑了
I mean, I could see why, they were fucking hideous,
但是...
but...
我感到一种责任
I felt this sort of responsibility.
我想要去保护他
Like I wanted to protect him.
然后有一天他哭了
And then there was one day where he just started to cry.
我记得我抱紧他...
And I remember that I just held him close...
这具穿着莱卡衣服的小小的身躯颤抖着
this tiny lycra-clad quivering body,
而我也开始哭起来
and I started to cry, too.
不顾羞耻地嚎啕大哭
Unashamedly.
我们都坐在他游戏室地地板上
We both just sat there on the floor of his playroom
彼此相拥着啜泣
sobbing into each other's arms.
两个受伤的人一把鼻涕一把眼泪
Two snotty humans just hurting.
再后来 他抬头看着我...
And afterwards, he looked up at me...
他那双大的不成比例的红眼睛里
his disproportionately magnified red eyes
没有一丝恶意
without a hint of malice,
他说
and he said,
"薇薇安说你很难过"
"Vivian said you were sad."
在那一刻 我也看着他
And in that moment, as I looked back at him,
我知道卡尔有了女朋友
I knew that Carl had a fucking girlfriend.
事实上 我早该知道了
And I should have known, actually,
因为他的浴室有两支牙刷
because there were two toothbrushes in his bathroom.
当然了 卡尔有女朋友了
And, of course, Carl had a girlfriend.
卡尔怎么会没有女朋友呢
Why wouldn't Carl have a girlfriend?
该死
Motherfucker!
终于 我见到了她
I met her, eventually.
那位"女朋友"
This "girlfriend."
漂亮到恼人
Annoyingly beautiful.
就是那种你知道的那种
One of those thin women that you just know
会把阴毛都镭射去掉的瘦女人
has all her pubes lasered off.
法国妞的长相 我是说 她就是法国人
French looking. I mean, she is fuckin' French.
但她也是典型的法国长相
But she also looks French.
穿着很昂贵的布列塔上衣
In an expensive Breton top way,
而不是地摊货的打扮
not in the garlicky way.
最糟的是 她人超级好
Worst of all, she's fucking nice. Ugh!
看到她后我感觉有些可悲
I felt kind of pathetic after I saw her.
有点蠢
Kind of silly.
我居然认为卡尔会朝我这样的人
I mean, to think that Carl would ever look twice
看第二眼
at somebody like me.
但我还是继续做保姆
I still carried on babysitting, though.
显然 不是因为卡尔
Not because of Carl, obviously,
尽管他仍是地球上最性感的男人
even though he was still the sexiest man on Earth,
而是因为泰勒
but because of Tyler.
是的 我越来越喜欢这个小笨蛋了
Yeah. I grew fond of the little dweeb.
就像我常光脚在泰勒乱糟糟的卧室里
As I used to wander around Tyler's messy lived-in house
来回走一样
in my bare feet,
我常想象那是我的家
I used to imagine that it was my house,
我就生活在那里
that I lived there,
我才是那个完美的法国人
that it was me who was perfect and French.
我常穿上她那令人脚痛的小细高跟鞋
I used to try on her shoes, painful little pointy things.
我曾在他们的浴室里洗澡
I had a bath once in their en suite.
一天晚上
Ahh. And one night,
在我确认泰勒已睡着后
after I made sure Tyler was asleep,
我去了他们的卧室
I went to their bedroom.
我再次在他们的全身镜中看着自己
I looked at myself again in their full-length mirror,
我大声告诉自己
and I told myself out loud
我有多美丽
how beautiful I was.
我对他们有多好
How I was too good for them.
我是个多好的人
How I was a nice fucking person
我值得拥有一个像卡尔一样的男人
who deserved a man like Carl
和一个无毛的法国阴♥道♥
and a hairless French vagina.
然后我开始脱衣服
And then I just started to get undressed.
首先是裙子 然后是内衣
Mm... first my dress, then my underwear,
直到我站在那里一♥丝♥不♥挂♥
'til I just stood there stark buck naked,
面带微笑 穿着她令人脚痛的高跟鞋
wearing nothing but a smile and her painful pointy shoes.
我想我一定是喝的太醉
And I think I must have been very drunk,
睡过去了
and I must have dozed off,
因为接下来
because next thing you know,
我就被一阵巨吼吵醒
I am awoken by this God almighty scream.
"你为什么在我们床上
"Why are you in our bed?
"你为什么裸着
"Why are you naked?
脱下我的鞋"
Out of my shoes!"
显然 这些吼声吵醒了泰勒
And, obviously, all the screaming woke up Tyler,
他站在楼梯的顶端
who just stood at the top of the stairs
问我发生了什么事
asking me what was wrong.
"别担心 一切都好"
"Don't worry. Everything's fine,"
我这样告诉他
I told him.
但卡尔把我赶出了他家
But Carl threw me out of the house
他生气地低声我说
and he hissed in my face,
"不许再来这里了
"Don't you ever come around here again.
"如果让我看到你跟泰勒说话
"If I ever see you so much as talk to Tyler,
我就报♥警♥"
I'm gonna call the police."
真是太丢脸了
It was really humiliating.
他的眼中满是厌恶
There was such hatred in his eyes,
就好像他认为我是个怪物
and, like, he thought I was a monster.
所以在那之后我再没回去
And so I never went back after that.
我觉得他们没有告诉泰勒发生了什么
And I don't think they ever told Tyler what happened,
真是太好了
which is a good thing.
我的心都碎了
And it would break my heart
当他跑出来找我的时候
when he would come running out to see me,
我不得不无视他
and I'd have to ignore him.
他悲伤的稚嫩的声音穿过围栏
His sad little voice calling over the fence,
珍妮 珍妮 你为什么不再喜欢我了
"Jenny. Jenny, why don't you like me anymore?"
我觉得我可能是他唯一的朋友
I think I might have been his only friend.