我们的前妻（2016）

就像我一直认为的
It's like I've been saying,
如果你用善良包容的心对待他人
if you treat people with kindness and an open heart,
他们也一定会以此回报
they can't help but reciprocate.
或许你该试试
Maybe you should try it.
这什么意思
What's that supposed to mean?
或许她不是你口中的那头怪兽
Perhaps she's not the monster you say she is.
她很有求知欲
I mean, she's curious,
她有种风趣的幽默感
she has a playful sense of humour.
她还说你中了大奖
She said that you hit the jackpot.
我开始考虑
I'm beginning to think
你是有问题那个 而不是希拉里
that you're the problem, not Hillary.
- 我 - 嘘 别那么大声
- Me?! - Ssh. Don't raise your voice.
希拉里听到会怎么想
What would Hillary think?
我得喝一杯
I need a drink.
希拉里又在讲席
Hillary's telling that
英国著名歌♥手 《玫瑰之吻》是他的成名曲
尔是因她而作了
ridiculous story again about Seal
玫瑰之吻那首歌♥的那个扯淡故事了
writing Kiss From A Rose about her.
莎拉居然认为希拉里精神没问题
Sarah actually thinks Hillary is sane,
有病的是我
and that I'm the crazy one!
- 我 - 我告诉过你别做正确的事情
- Me! - I told you not to do the right thing.
我没打算指望她们成为闺蜜
I didn't expect them to become besties.
我以为这
I thought there'll be
会是强颜欢笑气氛诡异的一小时
an awkward hour of forced pleasantries
然后我把希拉里踢出门去
and then I'd boot Hillary out of the door,
最好是正好踢到正开过的公交车前面
hopefully into the path of a speeding bus,
然后所有人皆大欢喜
and then everyone wins.
那样孩子们就没有妈了
Well, the kids would be losing their mum.
他们会挺过来的
They'd bounce back.
- 那真有趣 - 我知道
- That's so funny! - I know!
她不有趣
She's not funny!
她浑身上下就没有一个幽默细胞
She hasn't got a funny fucking bone in her body!
只是一顿饭 你能挺过去的
It's one lunch. You can get through this.
你说得没错
You're right.
除非我们下周日还要再来一次
Unless we do this again next Sunday.
这不会成为每周惯例吧
This isn't going to be a weekly ritual, is it?
希拉里 多跟我讲讲你自己吧
So, Hillary, tell me more about yourself.
我生活很简单 围着我的孩子们转
I live a simple life centred around my kids
以及我的慈善事业
and my many charitable causes.
- 真是励志 - 你刚才是翻了个白眼吗
- So inspiring. - Did you just roll your eyes?
没有 请继续
No. Please continue with your
你那才华横溢的传记
scintillating biography!
我是学校助学基金会主席
Let's see. I'm president of the school bursary fund,
均为非盈利慈善机构
我也为救助儿童会
and I do a lot of work
和乐施会工作
for Save The Children and Oxfam.
去年 妈妈募集到了足够资金
Last year, Mum raised enough money to provide water
为五个非洲村庄提供水源
for five African villages.
没错 爸爸则给学校建了个新的存球棚
Yeah, and Dad built the school a new ball shed.
没错...
Right, so...
这样学校所有的球
now all the school balls
都能放在同一个地方了
can be found in the same place.
球 棚
The... shed.
非常棒
I mean, that's great,
杰克 因为球需要棚子
Jack, because balls need sheds.
希拉里 快说说看
So, Hillary, tell me,
你是怎么样完成这么多事情的
how do you find the time to do it all?
当孩子是你生活第一要务时 你总会挤出时间来
When children are your priority, you make the time.
你让我觉着我自己好懒
You're making me feel so lazy.
杰克 你我
Jack, you and I
应该投入更多精力
are going to have to get more involved.
莎拉说得对 杰克
Sarah's right, Jack.
世界需要更多无私的人
The world needs more selfless people.
我无法一力完成
Can't do it alone.
说真的 你确实
I mean, to be honest,
有很多空闲时间 不是吗
you do have quite a lot of free time, don't you?
实际上 比我认识的任何人都多
In fact, more than anyone else I know.
你什么意思
What do you mean?
莎拉和我
Well, Sarah and I
每周都工作超过四十小时
both work more than 40 hours a week,
而你只工作...
and you work...
让你有的是时间
Which gives you more time
来完成"慈善义举"
to pursue your "charitable endeavours".
我以为你打算和平共处的 杰克
I thought you wanted a "nice" afternoon, Jack.
他们坚持了四十五分钟
They made it 45 minutes.
个人最好记录 干得好 伙计们
Personal best. Well done, guys.
我一周工作
And I work a hell of
可比四十小时长多了
a lot more than 40 hours a week.
我抚养孩子
I raise children,
这是世界上最难的工作
which is the hardest job in the world.
我本来想说
Hmm, I'd have thought
脑外科医生或者军人 但 没错
brain surgeon or soldier, but, yeah,
我猜让孩子们
I guess telling the kids
去洗澡可真是个难事
to get in the bath, that can be gruelling.
我们吃点奶酥吧
Let's have crumble.
大口吃奶酥来占住嘴
Let's all just fill our mouths with crumble.
我也养孩子 希拉里
I raise kids, too, Hillary,
我只是没有一个辛勤工作的前夫
I just don't have a hardworking ex-husband
来付我赡养费来养孩子
paying me to do it.
真抱歉我没什么事业
Sorry I don't have a career,
但我辞职
but I had to leave my job
是因为我嫁给了一个
because I got knocked-up by someone who was,
这么说吧 快枪手
oh, let's call it quick on the trigger.
指早泄
收回那句话 不然交易取消
You take that back or the deal is off!
- 交易 - 见鬼
- Deal? - Oh, shit.
这怎么回事
What is going on?
你风趣幽默的新好友
Your hilarious new best friend
本来拒绝前来
refused to come over
除非我给她买♥♥一台昂贵的
unless I bought her an expensive
带Sonos无线智能音响的电视
television with Sonos.
我也来了 我也表现得很和善 我却什么都没有
I came over, I was nice, I didn't get anything.
我简直无法相信 杰克
I can't believe you, Jack.
我 她呢
Me?! What about her?!
她才是那个痴肥虚伪不要脸的
She's the big, fat, fake fuckface!
那简直更糟糕
That's infinitely worse!
我不是要嫁给她 我是要嫁给你
I am not marrying her, I'm marrying you.
你没必要硬撑
You don't have to go through with it.
他人很烂的
He's a terrible person.
- 幼稚 自私... - 才不是
- Childish, selfish... - That's not true!
这个人压下了自己的自尊
This man swallowed his pride
这个人压下了自己的自尊
This man swallowed his pride
只是想尽力让这个家庭好好相处
just to try to make this family work.
你又做了什么
I mean, what did you do?
我吃了那个绿碗里的玩意
I ate that shit in the green bowl,
已经够不容易了
that's what I did.
好吧 我从没说过我是个顶级大厨
OK, I never said that I was a great cook,
而且我很累 好吗
and I'm tired, OK?
我今早刚做了紧急手术
I performed emergency surgery this morning.
我差点忘了 你做着超迷人的
I forgot, you have a glamorous job
哄猫咪入睡的工作呢
putting kittens to sleep.
宠物是很多人的孩子
That was somebody's furry child!
我读了五年兽医学校 好吗
I went to veterinary school for five years, OK?
我毕业成绩是我们班第一
I graduated first in my class.
而现在你却要当个二婚老婆
And now you're going to be a second wife.
低人一等的狗尾续貂
An inferior sequel.
千年老二
Sloppy seconds.
所有你和这个傻♥逼♥做过的
Anything you've done to this moron,
我都早做过了 还做得更好
I've done it first and better.
- 还人尽可夫 - 吃屎吧你
- And with everyone. - Eat shit.
你去死
Piss off.
好吧 或许有些事你做得更好