娃娃奇缘

辣椒树
食品 酒水
给我把收银台打开
Open the fucking register now!
所有人举起手来
Everybody get your hands up.
快点 过来 所有人都在这里排好
Come on, get over here, I want everybody to line up over here.
天啊 天啊 芭芭拉 你觉得他看到我们了吗
Oh, my God, oh, my God, Barbara, do you think he saw us?
该死 应该没有
Fuck, I don't think so.
娃娃情缘
第一季第八集
我不知道 我不想死啊
I don't know. I don't want to die, man,
不想这样死
not like this.
我都还没有自己的维基
I don't even have a Wikipedia page.
太太
Ma'am.
该死 他看到你了
Oh, shit, he saw you.
什么 不 他说"女士"
What? No, he said "ma'am."
对 就是说你
Yeah, that's you.
什么 我才不是女士
What? I'm not a ma'am.
你就是 你绝对是女士
Yeah, you are, you're totally a ma'am.
-不 我不是 -你就是
- No, I'm not. - Yes, you are.
-你已经是女士很久了 -女士
- You've been a ma'am for a long time. - Ma'am!
女士
Ma'am!
你要不再去抽点大♥麻♥
Why don't you go smoke some more crack, huh?
-你有吗 -什么
- You got any? - What?!
看 他在和嗑嗨妓♥女♥说话 我就说吧
See, he was talking to the crack whore, I told you.
我不在乎这些 听我说 我有一个计划
Okay, I don't care. Listen to me, I have a plan.
看到那些耶稣蜡烛了吗
You see those Jesus candles?
你去拿两根
You're gonna take two of them,
然后用空翻
then you're gonna somersault
瞧瞧通过糖果货架
quietly behind the candy aisle.
根据我的计算 你的位置很有利
From my calculations, you'll have a perfect vantage point.
你♥他♥妈♥说什么呢
What the fuck are you talking about?
拜托 科迪 你可以的
Come on, Cody, you can take him.
-我不行 -你可以的
- No, I can't. - Yes, you can.
-你块头比他大 -去你♥妈♥的♥
- You're bigger than him. - Fuck you.
你的块头是他的两倍
You are-- you're like twice his size.
所有人拿出自己的手♥机♥和钱包
I want everybody to take their cell phones out and their wallets.
但是不许碰你自己的钱包
But don't touch your own wallet!
拿出你右侧那个人的钱包
Take the wallet out of the person to your right.
这里只有四台手♥机♥
There's only four phones here,
你们有五个人 该死的
and there's five of you. Fuck this.
-我要报♥警♥了 -你真是个怂包
- I'm calling the cops. - You're such a pussy.
你在干什么
What are you doing?
没什么 没什么 没什么
Nothing. Nothing, nothing.
你♥他♥妈♥在给丹发信息吗
Are you fucking texting Dan right now?
不 好吧 只是...
No, okay, just...
我两个小时给他发了"我爱你"
I texted him "I love you" two hours ago,
他回了"好 我也是" 全都是小写
and he just texted back "k, you, too," all lowercase.
这他妈是什么
Like, what the fuck is that?
我真的无法理解你
I seriously cannot believe you.
你不觉得这简直就是
Don't you get that this is like a fucking parable
现代寓言吗
for the world right now?
毒性大男子气概已经从字面意义上
Toxic masculinity as represented, quite literally,
侵蚀了你...
by a dude with a gu...
别发这个
Well, don't write that.
为什么
Why?
-"我们还好吧" -怎么了
- "Are we okay?" - What, what?
如果你要给你的男友发"我们还好吧"
If you have to write to your boyfriend "Are we okay?"
那你们绝对不好
you're definitely not okay.
你觉得他出轨了吗
Do you think he's cheating on me?
说实话吗
Honestly?
-女士 -是的
- Ma'am. - Yeah.
别这么说
Don't say that.
我都要心脏病发了
You're gonna give me a fucking heart attack.
-女士 -该死 天啊
- Ma'am! - Fuck, oh, my God.
求你别杀了我 上帝啊
Please don't kill me, Jesus Christ,
求你 求你别杀我 天啊
please, please, please don't kill me, oh, my God.
看 你就是女士 我没错
See, you're totally a ma'am, I was right.
闭嘴
Shut up.
-什么 -不 没什么 不是说你
- What? - No, not-- nothing, not you.
把你的手♥机♥划过来
Slide your phone over here.
好吧 好吧 好吧...
Okay, okay, okay, just, um...
我很抱歉 能不能让我再发一条信息
I'm so sorry, can I just send one text?
会很快的
It'll be so fast.
不 搞什么
No! What the fuck?!
好吧 好吧 好吧
Okay, okay, all right, okay!
-好吧 -天啊 你这个笨蛋
- All-all right! - God, you idiot!
那他妈是一个充气娃娃吗
Is that a fucking sex doll?
是的
Yeah.
它脖子上是什么东西
The fuck is around its neck?
她的阴♥道♥
Her vagina?
先生 我绝对会很配合
Sir, I'm fully cooperating,
如果你要杀了她 我完全理解
and if you have to kill her, I completely understand,
如果你要强♥奸♥我 我躺好了
and if you have to rape me, I'm down,
但是 别杀了我
but, like, please don't kill me.
为什么它脖子上挂着一个阴♥道♥
Why the fuck is it wearing a vagina around its neck?
是她 是她的旧阴♥道♥ 这...
Well, it's her, it's her old vagina, it's...
因为 她...
'Cause, you know, she wa--
她本来是我男朋友的充气娃娃
she used to be my boyfriend's sex doll
现在 她只是我的朋友
and now, you know, she's just my friend
她是我的写作搭档
and she's my writing partner.
她其实有点难搞的
She's kind of a, kind of a handful, actually.
她还是我男友的充气娃娃时
When she was my boyfriend's sex doll,
他对她不是很好
he didn't, he didn't take very good care of her,
不是很卫生 她的逼都起皮了
so, like, hygiene-wise, her pussy got kind of crusty.
我这么说
You know, when I say that,
听起来好像说他是一个变♥态♥
it, like, it-it sounds like I'm saying, like, he's a pervert.
他其实是一个很好的人 很好的男友
He's, like, a super sweet guy, great boyfriend.
他其实还是一名很成功的剧作家
He's actually, like, a really successful TV writer.
他就是有些癖好
He just has kinks, you know.
他恋足 喜欢连裤♥袜♥
He's into foot stuff, he's into pantyhose,
有一段时间 他有一条
and, you know, like, for a while he just had, um,
人体模特腿 他会给它穿上连裤♥袜♥
like, a mannequin leg, and he would put pantyhose on it
然后在自己乳♥头♥上摩擦
and he would just, like, rub it on his nipples,
后来狗咬坏了那条腿
but then the dog chewed up the pantyhose leg,
然后他就买♥♥了充气娃娃
so then he got the sex doll.
-这有点... -等等 等等
- It's kind of the... - Hold on, hold on, hold on.
你的...你的男友是丹·哈蒙吗
Is your... is your boyfriend Dan Harmon?
是的
Yeah.
天啊
Oh, my God.
这太疯狂了
This is crazy.
我是他的铁粉
I am a huge fan.
-等等 什么 -没错
- Wait, what? - Yeah.
我每周都干♥他♥
I fucked him every week.
天啊
Oh, my God!
《瑞克和莫蒂》是我最喜欢的剧集
Rick and Morty is my favorite TV show of all time.
这太疯狂了
That is insane.
我...这太疯狂了 我是一个哈迷
I-- this is crazy. I'm, like, a total Harmenian,
我...我每周都会听他的博客
and, you know, I, I listen to his podcast every week.
-对 -你也知道
- Right. - And, as you know, you know,
他对自己这些一点都不加掩饰
he really kind of, like, puts himself out there,
你说"充气娃娃"时
so when you said "sex doll,"
我就想"会是吗"
I was like, "Could it be?"
然后你又说"剧作家"
And then you were like, "writer."
-然后又说 -"恋足"
- And then you said... - "Foot fetish."
"恋足" 我就想
"...foot fetish"! And I was like,
"会是吗 没错"
"Uh, could it be? Yes, it is!"
真的就是
And now it is!
哥们 我现在好激动
Dude, I'm, like, freaking out right now.
-这真是太疯狂了 -我也觉得
- This is fucking crazy. - So am I.
这世界真小 我们俩在这种情况下
Wow, what a small world. What are the chances
遇到彼此的几率是多大啊
that, like, you and I would run into each other like this?
很小 芭芭拉
Very slim. Barbara.