鬼作秀

谢谢啊
-Aw, thanks.
我们不都是引诱水手
- So, you see, we're not all half mermaids
享受好时光的半人鱼呢
luring sailors in for a good time.
对 只是一个半鸟的女人 她的朋友引诱了医生
- Right, just a half-bird lady whose friend lured a doctor in
来度过好时光呢
for a good time.
什么情况啊
Look, what is going on here?
- 我们需要你 - 我吗
- We need you. - Me?
我们需要一位医生
- Well, we needed a doctor.
所以我跟踪你
So, I followed you
然后米兰达把你勾引上来了
and Miranda seduced you to come up here.
所以你是跟踪狂咯
- Oh, okay. So, you're a stalker.
然后你还吃人 真巧啊
And you're a man-eater. Wow, how convenient.
我可以自己带你来的 但是莎拉
- I would've brought you up here myself, but Sara,
她作为遇险少女 比我演的好多了
she plays damsel in distress so much better than me.
不不不
- Ah, no, no, no.
任何女人都可能钓到这条屌♥丝鱼的
Any woman could've brought up this loser fish.
他只是一个可悲的
I mean, you know, he's just a pathetic,
孤家寡人 很多年没啪啪过了
desperate divorcee who hasn't been laid in years.
还挺准确的对吧 巴里
That's a pretty accurate picture, right, Barry?
我们带你来是有很特殊的原因的
- We brought you up here for a very specific reason.
我需要死
I need to die.
死
- Die?
那跳窗户啊
Well, then jump out of a window.
那边就有窗户啊
Look, there's a window right there.
需要我♥干♥什么
What do you need me for?
需要你做手术
- I need you to perform an operation.
把我的喉头和莎拉的换一下
I want you to swap my voice box with Sara's,
这样我就不是海妖了
so that I'm no longer a siren.
然后就可以跟其他凡人一样生活了
And then I can live out my life just like any other mortal.
你想交换喉头吗
- You wanna swap voice boxes?
首先 我是不是那种医生
Okay, first of all, not that kind of doctor.
第二 我也不傻
Second of all, I'm not a fool.
所以你俩就是俩疯子
So, whatever you both are, you are fucking nuts.
怎么了
Okay, what is happening?
你会做手术吗
- Will you do the operation?
- 我要疯了 - 我快没耐心了
- I'm losing my mind. - And I'm losing my patience.
你不会想让我做这种手术
- Look, you don't want me to do this kind of operation.
我只是一个紧张焦躁的妇科医生
I'm just a nervous, twitchy gynecologist.
如果你不按我们说的做 她可以让你
- She can make you plunge this dagger deep into your brain
把这把匕♥首♥插到你大脑里的
if you don't do what we ask you.
没人会想你的
Not like anyone's gonna miss ya.
- 成吧 我做 - 看吧 很难吗
- Okay, I'll do it. - See, was that so hard?
太好了
- Great.
我期待这个仪式
I've been thinking about this ritual
- 很久了 - 能看出来
for a very long time. - Yeah, I bet you have.
你需要的是耳喉科医生
Look, what you need is an otologist.
我只做盆腔检查和常规子♥宫♥颈抹片检查
I just do pelvic exams and routine pap smears.
我的专长涉及的是身体的
My expertise is in a very, well, different
另一个部位
part of the body.
我更倾向于把我脖子交到你手上
- I trust you more with my neck.
但你俩都麻醉了的话
- But neither one of you can trust me
都不会信我
when you're under anesthesia.
这就是为什么你要一个一个做
- Well, that's why you'll put us out one at a time.
这样我们就能监视你了
- That way, we can keep an eye on you.
明白了不
- See?
好了 还有什么问题吗
Okay, so are there any more questions?
因为我的专长可是
Because my expertise
取走男人身上所有大宝贝儿
is with all the delicious parts of a man's body.
如果米兰达没瞎说
- If Miranda's not completely full of shit,
你可能会变成
you could turn into some sort of
那种半海妖半鸟的吃人玩意儿
maneating siren- bird thing.
你真想这样吗
Is that really what you want?
真不敢相信你会要求做这手术
I can't believe you just asked that.
妈的闭嘴
- Just shut the fuck up.
照她说的做 别惹她生气
Do what she tells you and don't make her angry.
别担心
- Don't worry.
好了 都准备好了吗
- All right, are we all set and ready to go?
米兰达 小心
- Miranda, look out!
如果你照我说的做
- If you would simply do what I asked,
我可以考虑放你条生路
I might consider letting you live.
相信我 我不想再吃人了
Believe me when I say, I am done being a man- eater.
而莎拉想成为一名海妖
And Sara here wants to be a siren.
你有没有被放过鸽子 巴里
- Have you ever been ghosted, Barry?
有人跟你说过要是瘦几斤你就会很可爱吗
Been told you'd be really cute if you just lost a few pounds?
我可以唱歌♥
I'm gonna be able to sing...
驱使任何人做任何事
and have any man, anywhere come running.
然后永远得到
And then I get everything I want after
我想要的一切
for an eternity.
妈的 还有比这更棒的事儿么
Holy shit, could you think of anything better?
有 离开 这他妈太疯狂了
- Yes, leaving. This is fucking insane.
疯狂到让你把那把匕♥首♥直戳戳的
Insane enough to cause you to plunge that dagger
插♥进♥脑袋里么
right through your brain?
莎拉写好了你的遗书
While Sara writes your suicide note
从咖啡店的收据上
tracing your own signature
搞到了你的签名
off that coffee shop receipt?
你病了
- You're sick.
你能治好我
- You're the doctor who's gonna cure me.
甭打歪主意 巴里
- Don't even think about it, Bar.
我和她愿望相同 也许比她更渴望
I want this as much as she does. Maybe even more.
所以 如果她出了什么事
So, don't think I won't take you out
我不会放过你
if something happens to her.
听着 我的一天从一杯提神咖啡
- Look, my day started with a refreshing drink
和心神舒畅的散步开始
and a pleasant walk.
而我现在正在考虑杀个海妖
And I am now contemplating murdering a siren.
要求别太高 萨拉
Cut me a little slack, Sar.
很好 你还活着 希望是件好事儿
- Oh okay, you are alive. That's good, I hope.
别 在你出声之前
Oh, oh, no, no, I would maybe wait a little bit
最好等一会儿
before you try to speak.
好难听啊
I sound horrible.
谢谢你 巴里
Thank you, Barry.
很抱歉让你把你牵扯进来
I'm really sorry I put you through all of this.
我真的很想过正常人的生活
I just really wanted to live a normal life.
请原谅我 我别无他法
Please forgive me. I didn't know what else to do.
莎拉 你声音很棒 像个真正的海妖
- Sara, you sound amazing like a true siren.
你永远不会忘记自己的第一次
- You'll never forget your first.
你怎么做到的
How did you do that?
这是唯一的办法
- This was the only way.
这把匕♥首♥泡过前任受害者的血
This dagger's been dipped in the blood of a former victim.
你救了我的命
- You saved my life.
我告诉过你 如果你照我说的做 我就放你条生路
- I told you if you did what I asked, I'll let you live.
其实 你说的是你会考虑放我条生路
- Actually, you said you might let me live.
我清楚地记得"考虑"这俩字
I remember that "might" quite distinctly.
巴里 我真的很抱歉
- Barry, I really am sorry.
我从没想过着
I never wanted to live a selfish life
自私贪婪且暴食的生活
full of greed and gluttony.
我别无选择
I had no choice.
但我不能把这话告诉莎拉
I can't say the same for Sara, though.
是啊 她有她的问题
- Yeah, she had her issues.
我必须承认
- Well I- - I must admit,
能过上崭新的普通人的生活 我还是很开心的
I'm pretty excited about my new, mortal life.
我想成为一名素食主义者
I'm thinking of becoming a vegetarian.
街角有家很棒的素食餐厅
- Oh yeah, there's a great vegan place around the corner.
- 那就约定了哈 - 约定了
- Oh well, it's a date. - A date?
对呀 不行吗
- Yeah, why not?
我是说等你我对彼此
I mean after you getting to know me
都有所了解之后
and me getting to know you.
我给你做手术
- Me operating on you.
你杀了个超自然的生物
You killing a supernatural being.
看 咱俩这辈子是牵扯不清了
See, we bonded for life.
只要你不介意和大你很多的女人约会
Well, as long as you're okay with dating a much older woman.