就这样…（2021）

Why don't you see women jerkin' it on the subway?
希望这是个多项选择题
I'm hoping that's a multiple choice question.
问得好 杰克
Yeah, good one, Jackie.
我本来还担心你会问出幼稚可笑的问题
I was worried you were gonna ask something sophomoric,
比如"我这个顺性别异性恋男人
like, "What can I, as a straight cis male,
怎么做才能根除性别二元化的
"personally do to eradicate the harmful patriarchal system
有害父权体系和强制异性恋"
of the gender binary, and compulsory heterosexuality?"
但说真的 我到处都能看见男人自♥慰♥
No, but for serious, I see dudes masturbating everywhere.
我今天就在地铁J线上看见一男的撸管
I saw a guy jerkin' off on the J train today.
"J"可能就是代表鸡儿吧
I guess that's what the "J" stands for.
那A线就代表爱爆菊
And the "A" train stands for anal.
怪不得我从来不坐那条线
Oh, that must be why I don't ride it.
觉醒时刻
Woke moment!
任何形式的性表达都应该
Sexual expression of any kind should always be discussed
得到所有当事人的讨论和同意
and consented to by all parties involved.
除非只是你和你的性玩具
Unless it's just you and your sex toys.
那随你怎么玩
Then, go ahead!
给自己惊喜
Surprise yourself.
关于典型的讨论告一段落
All right, let's, uh, move off the prototypes,
接下来分享下个人经历 杰克
and into the personal. Jackie--
-在 -你有没有在公共场所自♥慰♥过
- Yeah. - Have you ever masturbated out in pub--
不 我们还是加快速度吧
Nah, you know what? Let's just speed this along.
有哪个公共场所是你还没在那自♥慰♥过的
Is there any public place where you haven't masturbated?
没有
Uh... nah.
我喜欢在洋基体育场自♥慰♥
I like to masturbate at Yankee Stadium.
反正是我个人的自♥慰♥方式
Well, my version of masturbation.
我会戴上洋基队的帽子
I, uh, I wear a Yankees cap,
坐在座位上抿着啤酒
and I just, uh, I sit there sippin' a beer,
看着那些男人试图弄清楚我的身份
and... I really get off on watching
我就能性奋到高♥潮♥
the bros try to figure out what I am.
不只是男人 女人也一样
And it's not just the dudes. It's also the ladies.
没人能逃出我男女通吃的魅惑
I'm an equal opportunity confuser.
-你呢 凯莉 -我 什么 什么事
- What about you, Carrie? - Oh, me? What? What? What?
我的情况吗
Oh. What about, What about me? Oh, oh, oh--
你是问我自♥慰♥的事啊
Oh, are you ask-- You're asking me about, about masturbation?
对 我是问你自♥慰♥的事
Yes, I'm, I'm asking you about masturbation.
你个人的经历 你会自♥慰♥吗
Particularly you. Do you masturbate?
我想买♥♥个元音[你能细说吗]Uh, I would like to buy a vowel, please.
出自游戏节目《幸运之轮》
抱歉 我不知道那是什么意思
Sorry, I don't-- I don't know what that means.
对不起
Um, okay, yes, sorry.
我想想 好 我进入状态了
Let's see. Ooh, yes. I'm here, okay.
问吧 我在听
Yes, go. I'm here. Yes.
你在公共场所自♥慰♥过吗
Um... have you ever masturbated in a public place?
自从巴尼百货倒闭后就没有了
Uh, well, uh, not since Barneys closed.
巴尼百货是什么
Uh, what's Barneys?
这话就真的太伤人了
Okay, now that's offensive.
下一轮试管受精我们打算什么时候做
What are we thinkin' time frame-wise about our next IVF round?
我不知道 安德烈
I don't know, Andre.
感觉做完上一轮后 我身体还没恢复过来
Uh, my body still feels off from that last round,
而且为什么要在我挤地铁的时候讨论这个
and why're we talkin' about this as I'm gettin' on mass transit?
萨姆尔逼我快点决定
Uh, Samuel was just kinda pushing me
要不要参加巡演
about whether I'm going out on the tour or not.
-所以你现在就逼我做决定 -有吗
- Now you're pushing me? - Am I?
抱歉 我没有这意思 怪我
Um, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to. My bad. I just--
我不想一直拖着不回复他
I didn't wanna keep him hangin'.
他们对我很好
They've been so good to me.
我明白
No, I get that, um...
我意思是...
Uh... I guess what I'm saying is, um...
我觉得...
I'm feeling--
现在不方便聊
Can't talk right now.
不 说啊 小尼
No, no. Uh, go ahead, Ny.
-你觉得什么 -现在不方便聊 安德烈·拉沙德
- You're feelin' what? - I can't talk right now, Andre Rashad.
有个学生正在看着我
I have a student lookin' right at me.
糟了 她朝我走过来了
Shit, she's comin' over here.
我得挂了 我很快就到家
Okay, I gotta go. Uh, I'll be home soon.
我会准备好晚餐 爱你
I'll set dinner. Nothin' but love.
好 再见
Okay, bye.
我就想换一个
I just wanted to introduce myself
不忙乱疯癫的方式介绍自己
in a non-manic, non-crazy lady way.
我叫米兰达·霍布斯
I'm Miranda Hobbes,
那一番... 我都不知道该叫什么
and that, I don't even know what to call it,
-我对你发型的评价... -没事
- performance I gave about your hair-- - It's fine.
-我们不用再来一遍 -我懂你
- We don't have to do that again. - Oh, I hear ya.
我就想让你知道
I, I just wanted you to know that I am,
其实我是个严肃的人
actually, a serious person,
能上你的课对我意义重大
and that being in your class means a lot to me.
我辞去了...
I, I quit-- -
我...
I, uh--
我最近离开了从事将近30年的公♥司♥法律界
I left corporate law, recently, after almost 30 years
因为我不想再同流合污
because I couldn't be part of the problem anymore.
我在家看新闻时
I was at home watching CNN
看到禁穆令生效的报道
when the Muslim ban was initiated,
我看见很多律师
and I saw all those attorneys
在机场提供援助
out at the airport offering assistance,
我就是... 紧接着
and I just-- The next thing I knew,
我便乘出租车去肯尼迪机场
I was in a cab goin' to JFK
想出一分力 哪怕再微小 因为
to do something, anything because, you know...
我光戴上女权游♥行♥的粉色♥猫♥咪[私处]帽根本没用
my wearing a pink pussy hat just wasn't cutting it.
-抱歉 我基本没听清 -可能也无妨
- I'm sorry, I didn't catch a lot of that. - Probably just as well.
凯莉 你有空聊两句吗
Hey, Carrie. You got a minute?
有啊 今天的节目很有意思
Oh, sure... That was a funny show today.
-我喜欢你的手套 -谢谢
- I like the gloves. - Oh, thanks.
主要是为了不碰到电梯键和扶手
Yeah, they're really mostly for elevator buttons and handrails.
是新冠期间我开始养成的习惯
It's just a little something I started during the pandemic.
似乎还撑得住
Seems to be hangin' in there.
关于今天的节目
So, about today's show,
你需要多跟我们讨论
you need to dialogue with us more.
进去吧 我跟你一起坐电梯下去
Oh, um, no, go ahead. I'll, I'll ride down with you.
好
Okay.
我就吸几口 做完节目我都会很紧绷
Oh, just a few quick puffs. I'm so wired after a show.
-你想来一口吗 -不用了 谢谢
- You want a hit? - No, I'm, I'm good, thank you.
继续说
Yeah, so...
你不能光坐着傻笑 你懂我意思吗
you can't just sit there giggling. You know what I mean?
通常人们打来询问恋爱问题时
Well, um, I'm really stronger when people call in
我比较能发挥所长
with relationship questions.
今天的内容有点下流
You know, today turned kind of raunchy.
节目走向有时会这样
Well, that's where it goes sometimes,
你得配合 否则键盘侠会给你贴标签
and you need to go with it, or the trolls will label you
说你是"拘谨的顺性别已婚女人"
"The uptight cisgender female married lady."
-你不是这样的人 -不是吗
- And that's not who you are. - It's not?
我知道你有更多能耐
I know you got more.
毕竟你90年代就在主流报纸上
C'mon, I mean, you had a column about sexuality
写两性关系专栏了
in a mainstream newspaper in the fuckin' 1990s.
你可是元老 牛逼得很
You're the OG. You... are badass.
但那是坐在书桌前打字
Well, you know, that was writing at a desk.
我不像你俩是单口相声艺人
I'm not a stand-up like you two.
我面对比较露骨的内容
I'm, I'm not comfortable with the more graphic content,
会不自在 我不是这样的人
you know, it's just-- It's not me.
你最好跳出固有思维模式
Hmm, you might wanna step out of that box.
给自己惊喜 就是个建议
Surprise yourself. Just a suggestion.
但话说回来 我有接那个菊花梗
Well, in, in my defense, I did do that anal joke
-说我不坐A线 -接得很妙
- about not riding the A train. - That was good!
-看见没 别退缩 -好
- See? Don't hold yourself back. - Okay.
你面试这份工作时可逗了
You were-- You were so funny at your job interview.
但那有点像我们第一次约会
Yeah, but that was like our first date, you know?
我把优点全展现给你看了
I gave you all my good stuff.
听着 我真心希望我们都能成功
Look, I really want this to work out for all of us,
所以这句话我是带着善意说的
so I say this with love...
你最好提升逼格
ya better step your pussy up.
-好 -那你打算怎么做
- Oh, okay. - Okay, so what're you gonna do?
我要...提升逼格吗