联系（2020）

My Hebrew school made us watch the collected works of Nora Ephron.
这会挑起话题 然后我会操控话题的方向
It'll start the conversation. I'll steer it in the right direction,
再然后 本迈出第一步
and then boom, first move, Ben.
但如果是你引诱他这么做 那还算第一步吗
But is it really the first move if you have to trick him into making it?
-引诱谁做什么 -本
- Trick who into making what? - Ben!
安妮想让加瑞特给她做点寿司
Annie wants Garret to make her some sushi
但她想让他先迈出第一步
but she wants him to make the first move.
-本 我们还要不要看 -大家好
- Hey, Ben. Are we still watching‐‐ - Salutations.
你们还记得见到我爸的时候吗
You remember when you all met my dad?
-抱歉 你说吧 -不 你说
- Oh, sorry, you go. - Oh, no, you go.
不 我先干了
No, I'm gonna go.
敬第一个月的隔离 希望不会再久了
To the first month of quarantine and hopefully not many more.
老天保佑
Amen to that.
你那边滴滴地响着什么呢
Hey, what's that big blinking thing you got back there?
我在做日料
I've been making Japanese food
我买♥♥了市场上功能最齐全的电饭锅
and I bought the most sophisticated rice cooker on the market.
-都没问我一声 -这是个惊喜
- Yeah, without consulting me. - It was a surprise!
它可以烤蛋糕 还可以自己点米饭
It can bake a cake and order its own rice.
就像个小小的人一样 我喜欢
It's like a little human and I love it.
谢谢你 加瑞特
Thank you, Garret.
这玩意是浪费钱
That thing's a waste of money.
我的人说六月中旬的时候就没大米了
My guy says all rice is gone mid‐June.
-你好 -你好
- Hello. - Hey.
-怎么了 -你看上去一团糟
- What's wrong? - Oh, hey. You look a mess.
我的孩子都是怪物
My children are monsters.
他们不吃伍迪代言的素食汉堡和起司
They refuse all Woody's Vegan Mac and Cheese substitutes.
你们知道吗 里奇花了一天
You guys know Richie spent all day
都在做邦汉堡店版本的通心粉
making Bon Eatery's version from scratch.
做出来好极了
It came out gorgeous.
罗斯朝我扔了过来 维萨吉吐在盘子上了
Ross threw it at me, Visage vomited it in the pan,
里奇去收拾残局了
and then Richie went to go do damage control.
现在他们三个都在另一个房♥间里哭
And now all three of them are crying in the other room.
你的头发上好像还有
I actually think you might have some in your hair.
通心粉还是呕吐物 通心粉还是呕吐物
Macaroni or vomit? Macaroni or vomit?
我只想要二十分钟的安静 各位 不要批判我
All I need is 20 minutes of peace and quiet, so guys, don't judge me,
但我订了素鸡柳的外卖♥♥
but I ordered vegan chicken fingers on a delivery app.
骑手快到了
Driver's almost here.
我和你说
I'm telling you,
这些孩子只需要让本陪陪
those kids just need a little bit of Ben‐Time.
我就像真人版的素鸡柳
I'm like a human vegan chicken finger.
我今天早上和里奇商量过了
I am discussing it with Richie in the morning.
如果有人有意见 应该会在晚上讨论
So if anyone has a problem with it, they should discuss it tonight.
说够我的需求了
But enough about my needs,
你们讨论什么呢 安妮
what are you guys discussing, Annie?
加瑞特在给我们看他的新电饭锅 帕拉迪普
Garret was just showing us his new rice cooker, Pradeep.
你想让我做点饭吗
Would you like me to make some rice?
我得买♥♥点东西 培养点兴趣之类的
I need to buy some stuff. Get me some hobbies, something.
我差点收养了一只狗
I mean, I almost adopted a dog,
虽然我明明就对狗过敏
and I'm deathly allergic to dogs.
但我真的不想一个人待着
I just hate being alone.
但你并不后悔和帕兹分手 对吧
But you don't regret breaking up with Paz, right?
确实 帕兹挺渣的
Right. Paz was whack.
-真的渣 -太渣了
- So whack. - So whack.
我知道你们不喜欢她
I knew you guys didn't like her.
她第一次看见我穿泳衣时 她称呼我为"猛士"
The first time she saw me in a bathing suit, she called me brave.
帕兹一直叫米歇尔"拉克尔"
Paz called Michelle "Raquel."
你和她都在一起一年半了
You had been dating her for a year and a half.
她依旧以为我的名字是拉克尔
And she still thought my name was Raquel.
她不让我们看《红粉联盟》
She wouldn't let us watch "A League of Their Own"
因为她说棕发的麦当娜让她觉得很悲伤
because she said brunette Madonna made her sad.
或许我们该看看这部电影 我还没看过
Maybe that's what we should watch. I still haven't seen it.
其实吧 我觉得我们应该看...
Actually, I was thinking that maybe we should watch‐‐
我们看了《隐形人》
We saw "Invisible Man."
-那片子超好看 -那片子怎么样
- Oh, it was so good. - How was it?
艾丽丝
赶快行动
超吓人的
So scary.
你得多花一点钱
You know, you had to pay a little bit extra
因为这片子主要在院线上映
because it was basically a theatrical release,
但绝对物超所值
but it was so worth it.
我计划的不是这样
That's not what I planned.
没错 我们就该看这部电影
Yes, that is what we should watch.
艾丽丝
快点
没错 没错 或者我们可以看...
Right, right. Or we could watch‐‐
好了好了 现在外卖♥♥骑手找不到我家在哪了
Okay, okay, now the delivery driver can't find my house.
艾丽丝
快点
她怎么回事
What is her deal?
你开错方向了 开错方向了
You're driving the wrong way. Driving the wrong way!
哎哟 安妮 业务繁忙啊
Damn, Annie, you're blowing up.
没有 就是工作上的事
Oh, yeah, nothing. It's just work stuff.
等等 本怎么不见了
Wait, what happened to Ben?
我是会议主持人 我把他踢出去了
Oh, I'm the meeting host and I kicked him out
这样安妮就不会继续无视我们了
so Annie would stop ignoring us.
他现在单身
He's single.
你抓紧机会 我弟弟很快就会脱单的
My brother is not going to be single for long.
我就想让他先主动 这很过分吗
Is it too much to want him to make a move, any move?
我是说 如果他对我有意思
I mean, if he was interested,
那为什么他没有说起过这事
why hasn't he said anything to any of us?
其实吧 他可能跟我提起过
Actually, he may have said something to me,
但我经常不理他
but I often tune him out.
安妮 你应该不明白我这边的情况有多离谱
Annie, I don't think you understand how insane it is over here.
今天早上 我的孩子们找到了他们的口琴
My children found their harmonicas this morning.
如果你不问本 那我就...
If you don't ask Ben, I‐‐
帕拉迪普 你已经有老公了
Pradeep, you already have a husband.
总不能你们家三人成对 而我形单影只吧
You don't get to turn Ben into Richie's sister wife while I'm still single.
这事我不能太着急 他才和帕兹分手
I can't rush this. He just broke up with Paz.
我可不想趁虚而入
I don't wanna be a rebound
或者被他当成孤单时寻找温暖的工具人
or just some warm body because he's lonely.
而且 你们是我在洛杉矶的家人
Plus, you guys are my L. A. family.
如果我俩没成 可能大家都会散伙
If things go bad, it could wreck it for all of us.
而我可不想在这件事上... 下 左 右
And I don't wanna mess this up‐‐down, left, right.
然后再按AB和开始键 然后你就能...
Then you press A, B, then start, and then you can‐‐
什么情况 系统说主持人把我踢出去了
What happened? It said the host kicked me out.
我手滑了
My hand slipped.
你们在聊什么呢
What were you guys talking about?
我们摇摇欲坠的民♥主♥
Our crumbling democracy.
我离开了多久
How long was I gone?
各位 我的外卖♥♥到了
You guys, the food is here!
来了 我被拯救了
Coming! I'm saved.
美国正在崩溃 明白吗
America is imploding, all right?
我们的货架上没有足够的食物
We got not enough food on the shelves,
医院里没有足够的床位
not enough beds in the hospitals.
素食鸡柳的供货链也断了
The vegan chicken finger supply chain is broken.
接下来崩溃的会是什么呢
What falls apart next?
你在逗我吗 你在逗我吗
Are you kidding me? Are you kidding me?
你送错了 搞错了
This is wrong. This is all wrong!
我等了忍♥着不在孩子面前骂人的两个小时
I waited for two mother I‐do‐not‐curse‐in‐front-of‐my‐children‐king hours
而你却在诸多跨国公♥司♥
while you failed to find my address
和卫星导航系统的帮助下
with the aid of a public satellite system
成功地找错了路
and several multinational corporations.
结果你还他喵的把我的订单搞错了
and you got the not‐in‐front‐of‐my‐childrensucking order wrong?
给我圆润地滚出我家
Get your I‐do‐notuse‐that‐language out of my house
不然我就拿这只普拉达的鞋丢你
before I shove these Prada shoes up it.
滚
Go!
看来 下一个崩溃的是帕拉迪普
Pradeep, it seems, is what falls apart next.
拜托
Come on!
很明显 餐馆的素食鸡柳都卖♥♥完了
Apparently, the restaurant was out of vegan chicken fingers,
所以他们就给我送来了炸泡菜
so they substituted fried pickles.
帕拉迪普 这事骑手也无法控制
Pradeep, the driver can't control that.
我只知道现在都快到我孩子的睡觉时间了
All I know is that it is almost my kids' bedtime,
而我却又回到了起点
and I'm back to square one.
如果我在那里 我们就会玩一轮本本球