联系（2020）

这
集
发
发生
发生在
2020年4月15日
太好了
Oh, yes!
太好了 太好了
Yes, yes, yes!
不
No!
其他温度计都卖♥♥完了
All the other thermometers were sold out,
所以我就买♥♥了这个肉类测温计
so I bought this meat thermometer.
你觉得放嘴里能行吗
You think it'll work in my mouth
还是得像给鸡测温一样塞进我大腿
or I gotta stab it in my thigh like a chicken?
你买♥♥了多少东西
How much stuff did you buy?
我买♥♥了很多软糖 丽萨·弗兰克的涂色书
I bulk bought CBD gummies, Lisa Frank coloring books,
还有青少年反乌托邦浪漫小说
YA novels of dystopian teen romance.
安妮
Annie!
别批判我
Don't judge me.
你不是买♥♥了一堆托里·伯奇的衣服
Didn't you just buy a rack of Tory Burch caftans
还有超贵的瑜伽服吗
and super expensive yoga wear?
没错 后来我全退了
Yes, and then I returned them all.
是吗 为什么
What? Why?
因为我们不知道疫情要持续多久
Because we don't know how long this thing will last.
有传言说我的律所在裁员
There are rumors in my law firm is doing cutbacks
我不知道这会对我的奖金产生什么影响
and I don't know what that's gonna mean for my bonus.
钱还是得明智点花
So we've got to be smart with money right now.
至少你还有可以明智花费的钱
Well, at least you've got money to be smart with.
说到这个
Speaking of‐‐
你听说了鲁弗斯最新的快速致富秘籍吗
did you hear about Rufus's latest get‐rich‐quick scheme?
手工消毒液
Artisanal hand sanitizer!
这就是你的大急事
This is your big emergency?
是的 你现在正面临着
Yes. You are in grave danger
失去从疫情中捞一笔的机会
of not cashing in on this pandemic.
不 我说了不要什么秘籍
No, I said no more schemes.
听我说 听我说
Just listen, just listen, just listen.
你还记得几个仲夏之前
Do you remember a couple midsummers ago
我自♥制♥了酿酒器具 可以自己酿酒喝了
I got my own homebrew equipment so that I could make mead?
是的 你知道我忘了什么吗
Yeah. You know what I don't remember?
那个八月的事我全忘了
That whole month of August.
我想我还是可以把剩余的储备蒸馏成酒精
I figured out I could distill my remaining supply to pure alcohol,
加上点黑市上买♥♥来的芦荟汁
combine it with black market aloe vera,
重新把它包装成
and then rebrand it
那些害怕病毒的群众的抢手货
for a desperate, virus‐fearing populace.
过来穿上我的客用防护服
Now, get over here, hop in my guest hazmat suit,
让我们一起走在新经济道路的前方
and let's get ahead of the new economy.
看 又有人联♥系♥我了
Oh, look, another call.
-现在我不需要假装有人了 -胆小鬼
- Now I don't have to fake one. - Coward.
我的人生完了
My life is over.
帕拉迪普 现在有疫情 大家的生活都完了
Pradeep, it's a pandemic. Everyone's life is over.
不不不 多亏你
No, no, no. Thanks to you,
里奇还是坚持把我们的孩子培养成素食主义者
Richie still insists on raising our children vegan.
不客气
You're still welcome.
现在我的孩子除了伍迪·哈里森代言的
And now my children won't eat anything but Woody Harrelson‐branded
素食芝士通心粉 或者是
vegan mac and cheese or...
伍迪·哈里森代言的素鸡柳
Woody Harrelson's vegan chicken fingers.
我是维萨吉的教父
I'm Visage's godfather,
我很自豪她喜欢吃素食
and I take pride in knowing her bougie vegan food preferences.
整个洛杉矶都找不到伍迪代言的芝士通心粉了
There is no Woody's Mac and Cheese left anywhere in Los Angeles.
-网上订吧 -我订了
- Just order some online. - I did.
我就收到了这个
And this is what I got.
一盒子拆散的意大利面
A box of loose, broken spaghetti
还有一包不知道是混合牧场调料还是过期可♥卡♥因♥的东西
and a bag of either Tang and ranch dressing mix or expired cocaine.
你怎么不让我搬去和你们住一阵 可以帮帮你们
Why don't you let me move in with you guys for a while, you know, help out?
本
Oh, Ben.
等等 等等 你认真的吗
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Are you serious?
我认真的 你压力太大了 我很寂寞
Yes, I'm serious. You're overwhelmed, I'm lonely.
你害怕什么 害怕你的孩子们更喜欢我吗
What are you scared of, that your kids are gonna like me more?
因为这已经太迟了
'cause it's too late for that.
我和里奇谈谈
Let me talk to Richie.
他在疫情之前就很洁癖了
He was a big germophobe even before the pandemic,
所以可能有点难 不过能这样就太棒了
so it might be a hard sell, but it could be perfect.
我晚点和你聊
I‐I'll talk to you soon.
晚点聊 再见
We'll talk about it later. Bye‐bye‐bye.
怎么了
Hey, what's up?
紧急会议
Emergency meeting.
快把《绯闻女孩》放一放
Round up the Gossip Girls.
快点 赶在集体喝酒环节之前
Quickly, before group drinks.
是真的紧急情况还是鲁弗斯的紧急情况
Is this a real emergency or a Rufus emergency?
本想搬来我这里
Ben wants to move in with me.
放轻松 我还没答应
Relax. I haven't said yes yet.
不 我以为这些是
No, I thought these were gonna be
我订的讽刺心灵蒙蔽合唱团T恤
the ironic Third Eye Blind T‐shirts I ordered.
你收到了什么T恤 胡蒂和河豚乐队吗
What are they? Hootie & The Blowfish?
不 这是一把枪
No, they're a gun.
有人给我寄了一把枪
Someone mailed me a gun.
联♥系♥
联♥系♥
第一季 第二集
第一季 第二集
本想搬来跟我和里奇同居
Ben wants to move in with me and Richie.
-真没料到 -这情节真是跌宕起伏
- Didn't see that coming. - Ooh, plot twist.
-来当保姆 -当保姆
- As a manny. - A manny?
帮着照顾下孩子们 就像我自己的"窈窕奶爸"一样
Like, to help out with the kids, like my own Mrs. Doubtfire.
当然 他刚刚和帕兹分手
Well, sure, he just broke up with Paz,
我的弟弟也忍♥受不了孤独 所以
and clearly my brother can't be alone, so...
还有 我们不讨论《窈窕奶爸》 帕拉迪普
Also, we don't talk about Mrs. Doubtfire, Pradeep.
你好啊 学得不像吗
Hello! No?
-不像 -帕拉迪普
- No. - Pradeep.
你觉得本真的帮得上忙吗
Do you really think Ben is going to be helpful?
他靠画漫画为生
He draws cartoons for a living.
他吃高糖麦片 而且他害怕打雷
He eats sugar cereal, and he's still afraid of thunderstorms.
他就像第三个孩子一样
It will be like having a third child.
太好了 他可以和我的孩子玩
Good, good, good. He can play with mine.
安妮 你现在必须决定
Annie, you have to commit now.
你到底要不要邀请本和你同住
Are you going to ask Ben to move in with you or not?
-我还在想办法开口 -快点想
- I'm working on it. - Well, work faster.
我差这么一点就把地下室改装成客房♥了
I am this close to converting the basement into a guest bedroom.
亲爱的 到了
Hey, love? It's here.
各位 我得挂了
You guys, I gotta go.
安妮 趁帕拉迪普抢走本之前向他开口
Annie, talk to Ben before Pradeep steals him.
亲爱的 孩子们很饿了
Hey, babe, the kids are starving.
不不不不不
No, no, no, no, no.
当我妈妈的家人从巴基斯坦分离出去的时候
My mother's family was starving
他们才是真的饿
when they were partitioned out of Pakistan.
这些孩子们太挑剔了 你养了挑剔的孩子
These kids are picky. You raised picky kids.
安妮 快向本开口 不然我下手
Annie, make a move on Ben or I will.
我一会再回群聊
I'll be back for the group hang in a few.
你一个月之前就说你会问他了
You said you were gonna ask him a month ago.
怎么还没开口呢
Why haven't you made a move?
首先 我不确定他是不是不在乎帕兹了
One, I'm not sure that he's over Paz.
其次 虽然我是实用主义者兼女权主义者
And two, because although I'm a pragmatist and a feminist,
我希望他先开口
I want him to make the first move,
所以我才费尽心机地制定了这么个计划
which is why I've devised an elaborate plan.
今晚群聊结束后
After the group chat tonight,
我们说好要一起看电影
we're supposed to be streaming a movie together.
就我们两个人
Just the two of us.
我选了
And I've chosen...
《当哈利遇上莎莉》
"When Harry Met Sally."
就这 这就是你的计划
That's it? That's your whole plan?
你不如什么也不做
You might as well not do anything at all,
因为这和什么都不做差不多
because that's literally the same thing as that.
这是一部关于男人和女人不能做朋友的电影
It's a movie about how men and women can't be friends
因为会有性紧张和性吸引
'cause of sexual tension and attraction.
是啊 不 我看过这电影
Yeah, no, I've seen it.
我的希伯来语学校让我们看完了诺拉·艾弗隆的作品