杰洛向前冲（2015）

Well, just normal, regular prayer.
比如 感谢耶稣为你所做的一切
You know, thanking Jesus for all he done for you.
没错 但犹太人或穆♥斯♥林♥
Yeah, but then what about the Jews or the Muslims
- 或者别的教派呢 - 够了 杰罗德和我想告诉你们
- or the atheists? - Okay, Jerrod and I want to tell you...
那么 我就给他们找个单独的地方
Well, then I would put them in a separate place,
比如自助餐厅啥的
like the cafeteria.
杰罗德和我有个大新闻
Jerrod and I have life news.
你是要把他们分出去?
So you would segregate them?
噢 才不是
Oh, no, of course not.
但是为了他们好
But just for their comfort, I would remove them
我会把他们挪出祷告室
from the prayer room, I would
找个单独的房♥间
put them in a separate room
互相尊重 友好相处 因为
that was equally as nice, becau...
噢
Oh!
我知道你想说啥 而且我一万个不同意
I know what you're doing, and I don't approve.
所以你是说
So what you're telling me is
你要让宗教信仰凌驾于公民自♥由♥之上
you would pick religion over civil liberties.
问得好 老爹
Good question, Dad!
你这是曲解命题
That is not what I'm saying!
老乔 不许你妄加脑补
Joe, stop putting words in my mouth!
那好 要你二选一
Well, I mean, if you had to pick,
信仰和自♥由♥
which one would you choose,
你选哪个
serving Jesus or freedom?
当然是信仰 因为没有信仰
Serving Jesus, because if it wasn't for Jesus,
就没有自♥由♥
you wouldn't be free!
太特么机智了 老妈
Damn good answer, Mom.
机智个毛
That's not a good answer.
要是没有自♥由♥了 信仰也是白扯
Without freedom, you wouldn't have religion.
听着 就因为我坚持信仰
Listen, don't you be upset with me
不肯为了区区1600大洋折腰
because I'm sticking up for my beliefs
你就跟我胡搅蛮缠 你够了
instead of being bought by a $1,600 stimulus check!
好 看看你 白莲花一样的女子
Well, look at you, all holier than thou,
那没结婚就跟我滚床单的那个是谁
acting like we didn't have sex before we got married.
乔 你滚的不是我
Joe, that wasn't me!
噢 是呢 滚错了
Oh, yeah. Damn.
呃 玛克辛
So, uh, Maxine,
你不是有话要说吗 说吧
you had something you wanted to say, right?
所以 就为了不告诉他们
So, to avoid telling them,
你不惜挑得你爹娘感情不合
you picked a fight between your parents?
我明白 效果好得让人抓狂 对吧
I know. It's crazy how well that worked, right?
你想跟我也来这一套吗
Are you trying to do that right now?
是啊 床头吵架床尾合 我们也该这么做
Yeah. It's makeup sex. We got to have makeup sex.
什么床尾合 咱俩还在床头呢
Oh, no, we're still fighting.
别弄坏我的毛毯袍
Don't push me in my Snuggie.
你干嘛这么咄咄逼人
Why are you being so aggressive right now?
因为你惹毛我了
Because you pissed me off.
等等等等 你还跟我生气呢
Wait, wait, are you really mad about this?
杰罗德 我想跟你和你的父母
Jerrod, I want to have
有一个真正的亲近关系
a real relationship with you and your parents,
可是如果我们同居的事情
but if you can't even tell them
你都不肯告诉他们
that we live together, then maybe
那咱们还是分手的好
we shouldn't even be dating.
丫的 我没地儿去 咱们同居着呢
Damn it, I have nowhere to go! We live together!
玛克辛 我知道你想告诉他们
Maxine, I knew you wanted to tell them.
我只是不知道你是搞这么认真的
I just didn't know you were this serious about it.
为什么不能告诉他们呢 老老实实说
Why can't we tell them? No, honestly.
不许耍花枪 唱唱跳跳
Like, no jokes, no song and dance,
不许说些狗屁废话
no man-child bull crap.
说实话就行 为什么
Just tell me. Why?
真话是吧 因为我不想让我妈
Honestly, because I don't want my mom
把你也逼疯了 明白吗
getting in your head, you know?
一旦被她扯上了 你就再也甩不脱了
Like, once she's in there, she's not gonna get out.
姐是临床医师
I'm a therapist.
在读的临床医师
In training.
就算你毕业了 也治不了我妈
And you're still no match for my mom.
我也不想让我爹对你瞎指导些没用的
And I don't want my dad handing out useless advice.
我就是喜欢咱俩现在这样 就咱们两个 明白吗
I like it how it is right now. It's just us, you know?
你我两人
Just me and you and...
再加一堆蜡烛
a whole bunch of candles.
真的 干嘛弄那么多蜡烛呢
Why are there so many candles here, really?
搞得跟请神似的
It's like you're having a séance.
听着
Look,
你不可能一直瞒着他们
it's unrealistic to believe
瞒不下去的
that we'll never tell them we live together.
好吧
Fair enough.
既然它对你很重要
And if it's that important to you,
而你又对我很重要 那我们就告诉他们吧
you're that important to me, and we'll tell them.
行了吧
All right?
太好了 走吧
Great. Let's go.
呃 抱歉 现在去说
Uh, I'm sorry, now?
- 对呀 走了 - 现在现在么
- Yeah. Let's go! - Yeah, but now?
好吧 那就去吧
Okay, yeah, let's go. Let's go.
去我爹妈家里
Let's go back to my parents' house,
反正之前的铺垫都做好了
'cause that worked so well the first time.
呀
Oh!
你好 乔
Hi, Joe.
我还当是劫匪呢
I thought you were a burglar.
那你还敢开门
But you still were gonna answer the door?
嗯 来揍你
Yeah, to kick your ass.
老妈呢
Where's Mom?
在厨房♥里 女人该待的地方儿
In the kitchen, where a woman belongs.
开玩笑啦 她在厨房♥
I'm just kidding. She's in the kitchen.
她自己想去的
It's her choice.
为了示范我的终极剪切混搭
And for my final SlicePro demonstration,
我要把这个硬币对半切了
I am going to cut this penny right in half.
- 噢 - 呃 我们可承受不起
- Oh! - Uh-uh, we can't afford
- 故意损坏货币的大罪 - 管它 看好了
- to be cutting up money like that. - No, watch this.
开始咯
Here we go.
啊 当心 可别把手指头切了
Now, watch out. You're gonna cut your finger.
不会 不会切着的 看好了 走你
No, I got this. Watch this. Here we go.
不要 你会往自己手上再切一刀的 鲍比
No, you're gonna cut yourself again, Bobby.
- 不会的 我会切好的 - 它太硬了
- No, I won't. I got it! - It's too strong.
这家伙已经给自己一刀了?
Did the boy cut himself yet?
没有 我能
No, I got...
啊啊啊 叽叽喳喳吵死了
Aah! Y 'all done got in my head!
你们还嫌自己捣乱得不够么
You done ruined the whole demonstration.
不跟你一般见识 我有事
Okay, never mind that. I got something
要跟老爸老妈说
I got to tell you, Mom and Dad.
你是要出柜吗
Are you about to come out of the closet?
你是要在这里出柜吗
Is that what's happening here?
不是 不是 老爹
No. No, Dad.
- 你知道马文吗 - 嗯
- You know Marvin? - Yeah.
他就是基佬
He gay.
因为他的名字叫马文·盖伊
Like Marvin Gaye.
我知道笑点在哪里 爸
I get the joke. I get the joke, Dad.
这个梗很好
It's a good dad joke.
对吧
I know, I know.
你得把这个段子记下来呀
You got to write that down, man!
够了 你们先停一下
Okay, enough... You guys,
我有件重要的事要说
I have something really important I got to say.
- 上帝啊 开说了 我先去拿好我的圣经 - 妈
- Oh, Lord, here goes. Let me get my Bible. - Ma...
- 妈 - 亲爱的天父啊
- Ma... - Dear Heavenly Father...
妈
Ma...
杰罗德和我有件事要跟你们说
There's something Jerrod and I need to tell you.
好的 但是你们知道打断正在祷告的人
All right, but you know it is bad luck
会恶运当头吗
to interrupt mid-prayer.
这是圣经里的话 还是只是你现编的?
Is that in the Bible or are you just winging it right now?
听着 妈
Look, Ma,
玛克辛和我
Maxine and I
在考虑同居
are thinking about moving in together.
是吗