婚情咨商（2019）

这就像拿百米冲刺和马拉松作比较
It's like comparing a 25-yard dash with a marathon.
-那我们就是马拉松喽 -当然了
- And we're the marathon? - Yes, of course we are.
毕竟我们结了婚 生了孩子
Well, we're married. We've got children.
我们刚开始上♥床♥的时候 又不知道后面会发生什么
We didn't know that was gonna happen when we started having sex.
我们当时又没刻意调整频率
We weren't pacing ourselves.
也没跟对方说 "哎呀
We didn't say, "Oh,
我们现在可不能太猛
we'd better not go too hard at it
以防十五年后没爱可做"
in case we run out of sex in 15 years."
听着
Look.
好吧
Okay, these f...
这四次发生在几周内
these four times took place over a few weeks.
咱俩最初的四次只花了几天
Our first four times took place over a few days.
但看看我们走到哪般田地了
Hm? But where does that get us?
从现在开始要多久才能再有四次
How long is it going to take us to get to four times from here?
-你指哪个现在呀 -此时此地
- Where's here, though? - Here, now,
完全没在上♥床♥的当下
when we're not having sex at all.
如果你还想用跑步的类比
If you wanna stick with the running analogy...
我并不想
Which I'm not committed to.
现在我们是受了伤的博尔特
Right now we are Usain Bolt with an injury.
比如腹股沟拉伤
A groin strain, if you like.
我们都是博尔特 不只是你吗
We're both Usain Bolt? Not just you?
我们的性关系是腹股沟拉伤的博尔特
Our sexual relationship is Usain Bolt with a groin strain.
我们确实被拖慢了
Yes, we're stalled.
但一旦我们痊愈并再次开跑
But once we're up and running,
四次只是一瞬间的事
we'll hit four in no time.
还有不到五分钟 我们得想个讨论主题
We've got less than five minutes. We should sort out an agenda
和奥♥运♥会短跑运动员无关的主题
that doesn't involve Olympic runners.
我想讨论的是你为什么要和别人上♥床♥
My agenda is why did you sleep with someone else?
要回答这个问题 估计我们得先回答一堆其他问题
To answer that question I suspect we have to answer a lot of others.
真的吗 老天
Really? Oh God.
他们出来了
Oh, they're out.
你从这里可以看到那地方吗
You can see the house from here?
是的 门是绿色的那栋
Yeah, it's that one there with the green door.
那两个
Those two,
他们刚刚经过了正确的心理辅♥导♥
they've just been given a right counseling.
看起来很焦虑
They look shell-shocked.
他们完蛋了
They're completely fucked.
你是指他们现在累坏了 还是他们关系的未来
As in exhausted or as in there's no future in the relationship?
两者都有 看看他们
Both. Look at them.
这真的是我们想要的吗
Is that really what we want?
彻底毁掉我们的关系
To totally fuck our relationship?
我们又不是彻底决裂了
I mean, it's not like there's nothing of it left.
-不 当然没有 -我是说 举个例子
- No, of course not. - I mean, we've got two kids,
-我们还有两个孩子 -没错
- for one thing. - Exactly.
-还有 -填字游戏
- And... - Crosswords.
-是的 -还有
- Yes. - And...
《权力的游戏》
Game of Thrones.
如果在播出的话
When it's on.
我是想说 我不...
I guess what I'm saying is, I just didn't...
我不觉得我们的婚姻
I didn't think we had the kind of marriage
需要被别人随意刺探
that needed poking around in.
随意刺探
Poking around in?
我觉得这是个医学暗喻
I suppose it's a medical metaphor.
挺不错的
It's quite a good one.
如果他们给你做手术 发现你得了癌症
If they opened you up and found you riddled with cancer,
你想让他们帮你缝回去吗
would you want them to sew you up again?
你知道我不喜欢谈论癌症
You know I don't like talking about cancer.
就不能是埃博拉病毒吗
Can't it be Ebola?
你宁愿染上埃博拉都不愿得癌症吗
You'd rather have Ebola than cancer?
住在肯特镇不太可能染上埃博拉
It's harder to catch Ebola when you live in Kentish Town.
是的 但那个暗喻的关键是你患上了
Yes but the point of the metaphor is that you've got it,
不是你没患上 所以...
not that you haven't, so...
如果我们能克服所有婚姻顽疾
if we'd managed to avoid all marital disease,
我们现在也不会坐在这里了
we wouldn't be sitting here now.
有道理
Fair enough.
好吧
Okay...
那就癌症
cancer.
你会想让他们帮你缝合好 然后打发你走吗
So, do you want them to sew you up and pack you off?
-那得看多严重了 -这就是他们给你动刀子的目的
- How far has it gone? - That's why they're poking around.
不"刺探"一下内部就不得而知
They can't tell without a bit of poke.
所以我才从来不去看医生
This is why I never go to the doctor's.
又回到了我们最初的话题
Which takes us back to where we started.
你不想和任何人谈论我们的婚姻
You see, you don't wanna talk to anyone about our marriage.
如果彻底消亡 你更愿意坐视旁观
If it dies, you'd rather just find out about it
因为它会当场坍塌
because it collapses on the spot.
没错 正是
Yes, exactly.
你是个老年学专家
Look, you're a gerontologist.
你很了解安乐死
You know all about good deaths.
瞬间猝死
I mean, keeling over suddenly,
肯定算是一种安乐死吧
that's gotta be one of them. Right?
但那指的是心脏病发作
But that's a heart attack.
婚姻可不会瞬间消亡 总是会...
Marriages don't die suddenly. They've always been...
总是会病态地持续很久 然后才翘辫子
They've been sick for a while before they kick the bucket.
说得对
Mm, right.
我想说的是
Look, I think what I'm saying,
医学上讲
medically speaking, is that
我们要么完全不管 等着它彻底完蛋 要么想办法治疗
either we leave it and it kills us or we get it looked at.
-好吗 -好
- Okay? - Yes.
我没法说我很期待 但是...
I mean, I can't say I'm looking forward to it, but...
-我不想逃避这一切 -当然不
- I don't want to run away from this. - No, of course not.
不管有多糟糕 也就是一小时的事
I mean, however badly it goes, it's just an hour, right?
我是指我们的婚姻
I was talking about the marriage,
不是婚姻咨♥询♥
not the counseling.
好吧
All right.
我们走之前
Oh, before we go,
咨♥询♥师是男的还是女的 你没告诉我
is it a man or a woman? You never said.
我告诉你了 是女的
I did. It's a woman.
女的呀
Oh, a woman?
我的个老天呀
Christ Almighty.
如果是男的话 你还是会有同样的反应
You would have said exactly the same thing, wouldn't you,
-不是吗 -没错
- if I'd said it was a man. - Well, yes.
但是糟糕在不同的地方
But bad in a different way.
如果是男的话 我就没法
I mean, if it was a man, I wouldn't be able to...
聊过于隐私的事情了
talk about anything intimate, obviously.
-确实 -但如果是个女的
- Obviously. - But if it's a woman,
老天 她肯定会杀了我
oh, man, I'm gonna get slaughtered.
杀你
Slaughtered?
为什么她不会杀了我
Why won't she slaughter me?
女权主义啊
Feminism.
我知道是你出了轨
I know that you had the affair
但最终会变成我的错
but it'll turn out to be my fault.
会变成情有可原
There'll be mitigating circumstances.
不只是...
Not just my... the...
那些性事 还有...
the bloody sex stuff, but...
她会发现你赚钱多
she'll find out that you make all the money
还负责做饭什么的
and do most of the cooking and whatever,
而且你还工作 我不工作
even though you work and I don't and...
你还负责各种繁杂的家务
and you do all the boring arranging stuff.
我觉得她会给你开个空头支票
I think she'll just write you a blank cheque.
她会说 "没事的 露易丝
She'll be like, "Go on, Louise,
不用介意 姑娘
fill your boots, girl.
只要你想 十次婚外情都不算问题"
"You can have ten affairs if you want 'em."
我不觉得婚姻咨♥询♥师会让客户
I don't think marital counselors tell clients
去搞十次婚外情
to have ten affairs, and I...
我也不想要十次
I really don't want ten.
一次就让我很有压力了
The one I had was very stressful.
她肯定会觉得不算问题的
She's gonna write it off, that's for sure.
我不会让她轻描淡写的
I won't let her.
我会明确告诉她我犯的错有多严重
I'll tell her exactly how bad I've been.
我们也不用提各种细节吧
I don't think we need all the details, do you?