扪心问诊（2008）

Yeah, ok. I was the first one to say it, you're right.
但他大做文章
But he jumped all over it.
我说我还没想清楚
I said I didn't know what I want.
他就说"我最多给你两天 好好想清楚"
And he said: "You have a day or two, max, to decide what you want."
我说 "好啊" 然后他就开始哭啊什么的
And I said: "Fine." And then he started crying, and blah, blah, blah.
我猜他被吓到了吧
The whole thing was really scary to him, I think.
那你呢 你也会怕吗？
What about you? Weren't you scared?
-怕什么？-怕分手
-Of what? -Of splitting up.
我没有说要分手 那不是重点
I wasn't suggesting that we split up, that's not the point.
那你既然找他吵架
So what do you think was the point of this argument
目的是什么？
that you may have initiated?
我没找他吵架
I didn't initiate anything.
或许无心 但的确是你先开始
You may not have meant to, but you did.
听起来倒像是 你想让感情陷入危机
It sounds like you wanted to bring this relationship into crisis.
你说安德鲁讨厌不安定
I know you say that Andrew hates uncertainties
但说不定是你在害怕
but perhaps you are the one who can't live with them.
为什么你会选在这个时间
I mean, why did you choose this particular time
提这件事？
to bring things to a head?
我没有
I did no such thing.
为什么是现在？
Why now?
因为他说对了
Because he's right.
安德鲁是对的
Andrew's right.
我对他不忠实
I am being unfaithful to him.
你是说昨晚在酒吧？
You mean what happened last night at the club...
不只是昨晚
Not just last night.
我已经变心很久了
I've been unfaithful to him for a long time.
我们之前怎么没讨论过？
So why... why haven't we talked about this before?
应该有吧
I think we have.
这件事一直都在
It's been here all along.
难道你没注意到？
You mean to say you've never noticed it?
你很意外
You're surprised.
我不是意外 只是不太懂你的意思
No, I'm not surprised, I just... I don't follow what you mean.
这不是我想看到的反应
This isn't the reaction I was hoping for.
差远了
Not at all.
你期待什么反应？
What was the reaction that you were hoping for?
我想象两种可能
I... I had two scenarios in my head.
或许是你走过来抱我
In the first one you stand up and you hug me,
说 "我也爱你 萝拉
and you say: "I love you. I love you too, Laura.
我早就对你有感觉
I've been feeling this way for a long time,
只是想听你先开口表白"
I just wanted you to be the first one to say it."
然后我们开始做♥爱♥
And then we make love.
那 第二种状况呢？
And the second scenario?
就像第一种 只不过没有性♥爱♥
It's like the first one, but without the sex.
我们就静静♥坐♥着
We just sit here together.
讲这个我觉得好丢脸
You know, I'm embarrassed even to talk about it
你跟佛像一样坐在那里
I mean, you're sitting there like a fucking Buddha
一点反应都没有
acting like you have no idea what I'm talking about,
太伤人了
you know, it's humiliating.
这感觉多久了？
How long have you felt like this?
一年
A year.
从第一次诊疗开始
From the first session.
我以为感觉会慢慢淡掉
I thought it'd go away.
我以为只是一时迷恋
I thought "it's just an infatuation, that's all.
结果越来越糟
It's getting worse.
我的生活绕着你打转
You've become the center of my life.
萝拉 我是你的心理医生
Laura, I'm your therapist.
医病之间的关系 不但早有约束 也受道德规范
The parameters and the limitations are established and ethically defined.
你不该对我动情
I'm not an option.
或许你只是 把我当成避风港
You may be using me as a... as an excuse
逃避你跟安德鲁的感情问题
to bail from your relationship with with Andrew.
你知道我为什么不操那男的吗？
You know why I didn't fuck that guy?
跟安德鲁无关
Not because of Andrew
我不怕对不起他
not because I didn't want to cheat on him,
我很想偷吃
I do want to cheat on him,
但我希望对象是你
but with you...
我一个人在吧台坐着
When I was sitting there at the bar by myself
想象你这时走进来会怎样？
I was thinking what would happen if you were to walk in.
你会坐在我旁边
You'd walk in, you'd sit next to me at the bar,
点杯饮料
you'd order a drink.
我连你点什么都想好了
I even tried to imagine what you would order.
可能是波本
A shot of bourbon, maybe,
有点贵 有点花稍
something expensive, something fancy.
然后我们聊了起来
Then we'd start talking.
"怎么这么巧啊"
What a coincidence it is to meet like this.
"竟然在诊所外遇到你"
How awkward it is to meet outside the office.
接着不发一语
And then, without words,
毕竟看诊时聊得够多了
because we talk enough when we're here,
你示意我跟你到洗手间
you motion for me to follow you to the bathroom
我跟了过去
and I do.
我跟那男的进去时
When I went into the stall with that guy,
心里想的是你
I imagined it was you behind me.
所以才觉得刺♥激♥
That's what made it so exciting.
后来隔壁男生尿尿
And then that guy started peeing
立刻把我从梦里打醒
and it woke me up and I realized that it's impossible.
我了解现实
I know it. I understand it.
每次看完诊都会提醒自己
I tell myself that every time I walk out of here.
我的脑袋清楚
I know it. I understand it,
但身体就是不听话
but I'm not sure that my body understands it.
我知道自己是一厢情愿
I know it can never happen. I know it.
所以不用担心我会骚扰你
So don't worry, I'm not going to start showing up here,
或是偷偷跟踪
I'm not going to start stalking you like
像格伦·克洛斯在那部电影里那样
Glenn Close in that movie.
我不会把你小孩的宠物拿去下锅
I'm not going to boil your kids' rabbit.
我不会害人
I'm not dangerous.
至少对你不会
At least not to you.
天啊 我要怎么活下去？
God! How can I go back to my life,
回医院上班 回安德鲁身边
to the hospital, to Andrew.
我不要回去 我心里只有你
Not to Andrew, when the only thing that matters to me is you?
时间到了
Our time's up.
没错
Yes, it is.
我带着迷惑进来
I feel like I came here in the dark
走时却陷入更深的迷惘
and I'm leaving into a bigger darkness.
这下怎么办？
What am I going to do now?
下礼拜再讨论
We'll talk about it next week,
好吗？
OK?
帮你叫计程车？
I'll call you a taxi.
不用 我没事
No, I'm fine.
真的吗？
Are you sure?
你要怎么回家？
How are you going to get home?