酷妹辣皇后（2020）

我曾经听一个傻哔说 "在生命中
I once heard this asshole say that, in life...
没有意外这回事"
there's no such thing as accidents.
但我的整个人生
My entire life...
一直都是一场意外
has been an accident.
我不是在抱怨
I'm not complainin'.
我不会做这种事的
That's not my thing.
但遇到烂事儿的时候 是个人都会想爆粗
But, come on, shit happens.
偶 买♥♥ 噶 的
My God!
老娘自己都不知道 我身手还可以这么矫健
I had no idea I was that athletic.
你没事吧
Are you okay?
你受伤了吗 还能感觉到你的腿吗
Are you hurt? Can you feel your legs?
冷静点 兄弟
Calm down, dude.
又不是什么大事故
It's a fender bender.
你们没事吧
Are you all right?
我的腿没知觉了
I can't feel my legs!
我都闹心死了
I feel terrible.
都是我的错
This is totally my fault.
是啊 我们刚就在说这件事
Yeah, we were just talking about that.
我当时在给杨幂的经纪人 发三梦奇缘的表情包
I was texting a Grumpy Cat meme to my pet psychic.
真的很抱歉
I am so sorry about this.
接受你的道歉 我们得跑路了 再见吧您
Apology accepted. We gotta run. Bye!
你不出来看看车辆的损伤情况吗
Don't you want to get out and see the damage?
不用 老娘的心已经被伤成玻璃碎片了 不用再看其他损伤了
No. I'm too damaged to see more damage.
再见
Bye!
听着 给我们五百块 这事儿就到此为止
Look, give us 500 bucks, we'll call it a day.
这些钱应该能让我站起来了
Maybe that should be enough to get me walking again.
我身上只有两百块
All I have on me is $200.
全给我
Take it.
那里面有礼品储蓄卡吗
Any gift cards in there?
星巴克的 山姆超♥市♥的也行
Starbucks? Target?
AJ 在他出来看到轮胎被刺破之前
AJ, AJ, we have got to go before he
我们得赶紧走
comes out and sees his tires.
我看到她的包里好像有一袋大♥麻♥ 我们可以卖♥♥
I think I saw a bag of pot in her purse that we could always sell.
你真能 现在都已经火烧老逼了 你还想扯上非法毒品问题
Great. Now you want to introduce illegal drugs into the mix?
这已经是我出过的第五次事故了
You know, this is my fifth accident.
我爸一直都说:
My dad always says,
黛安 你这个马路杀手还没撞死人 我真的好震惊
"Diane, I am shocked you haven't killed someone."
黛安 赶紧给我收声吧你
Diane, you have to stop talking!
别说啦
Stop.
我知道 我看到啦
I know. I see it.
你和谁在一起呢
Who are you with?
- 是他 - 我还以为她在匹兹堡
It's him. - I thought she was in Pittsburgh.
可以找我40块吗
Can I get 40 back?
他看到我了 崽崽 再不走就完蛋了
He saw me, kiddo. Gotta go.
别管礼品卡了 把大♥麻♥给我就行
Forget the gift cards. Just give me the weed.
把电♥话♥挂了 快走
Get off your phone. Let's go!
老娘穿高跟鞋是来美的 不是来跟你跑的
These heels were not made to run in.
干嘛啊
What?
干嘛什么干嘛 你♥他♥妈♥的看看老子的轮胎
What do you mean, "What?" Look at my damn tire!
- 哇 完全瘪了 - 另一个也是
Wow, that is totally flat. - And so is the other one.
那个死贱逼
That bitch!
操♥他♥妈♥
Damn it!
奶奶说脏话了哦
Nana said a bad word.
我知道 宝贝 我在做大人的事 好吗
...I know, baby. I'm doing grown-up business, okay?
- 掰掰 亲你1♥0♥0♥8♥6♥次哦 - 再见
Bye-bye. A million kisses. - Bye.
- 真是个傻♥逼♥ - 你早就说过她是傻♥逼♥了
That bitch. - Yeah, you already called him that.
我说的不是撸逼 是我女儿 她给我孙女剪了个刘海
No, my daughter. She cut bangs on my grandbaby.
她知道我讨厌小孩留刘海
She knows I hate bangs on kids.
别战战兢兢的了
Stop freaking out.
我把他们轮胎刺了个稀烂
I stabbed those tires real good.
老娘真的特不懂 他现在还来找我是几个意思啊
I just don't understand why he's following me.
可能他还是对你余情未了呗
Maybe it's because he's in love with you.
我也这么想!!
That's what I thought.
但撸婆心事从不外讲
But I didn't want to say it out loud.
我开玩笑呢
I was kidding.
我也是
So was I.
但是完全没道理啊 他已经把我的钱全偷走了
It just doesn't make sense. He's... already stole all my money.
除了我大学基金账户里的五百块
Except for $500 I have in a college fund account
那是我夏蔓阿姨给我开的账户
my aunt Charmaine set up for me.
不然你就去把现金全取出来吧
You could probably cash that out now.
其实只有三百块了
Well, actually, it's only $300.
之前我取了一部分钱 买♥♥了一条定制尺寸的藏屌♥底裤
I dipped into it a while back for some custom tucking panties.
气疯老子了 真♥他♥妈♥想不到他居然有胆干这事儿
I cannot believe that he had the balls to do his.
你有什么吃惊的啊 你不是都见过了吗
I don't know why you're so surprised. You've seen 'em.
见过什么啊
Seen what?
她的蛋蛋/胆量
Her balls.
跟你直说吧
Let's get something straight.
我从来没做过1
I never did anything to him.
每次做♥爱♥都是他上我
He did stuff to me.
你重复一遍
Repeat that.
干嘛重复
Why?
为了让你记清楚
For clarity.
我从来没做过1 每次做♥爱♥都是他干我
I never did anything to him. He did stuff to me.
你重复一遍
Repeat that.
行了 老娘说就是了
Fine. All right.
每次做♥爱♥都是他 干♥你♥皮炎
He only did stuff to you.
随便吧
Whatever.
做1做0 老娘都无所谓
I don't care what people do.
我一半的女朋友都有鸡鸡
Half my girlfriends have penises.
我只有一个备胎吗
I only have one tire?
*American Automobile Association
1902年成立 1902年成立
最著名的服务项目还是在于其汽车紧急救援
等美国汽车协会赶到这里 他们早溜没影儿了
So by the time the AAA gets here, they'll be long gone.
放轻松 交给我吧
Relax, I got this.
库克 四个人
Cook, party of four.
库克 四个人
Cook, party of four.
- 有这玩意 谁还需要美国汽车协会 - 喂
Who needs AAA when you got this? - Hey!
现在你有两个轮胎了
And now you have two.
这他妈的是停车场
We're in a parking lot.
这又咋了 你不知道这个州可以公开持枪吗
So? It's an open-carry state, right?
加速
Punch it!
我不能加速 是警♥察♥
I can't punch it. It's a cop.
怂蛋
Lightweight.
你什么话都不要讲
Don't say anything.
我来处理
I'll handle this.
你好 警官
Hello, Officer.
知道我为什么让你停车吗 先生
You know why I pulled you over today, sir?
因为他是黑人
'Cause he's black.
我拦你是因为 你的左尾灯已经彻底被撞烂了
The reason I pulled you over is your left tail light's completely smashed.
警官 听我狡辩 一个车技超烂的女人
Officer, a woman with a very ugly driving record
当时正在给别人发三梦奇缘的表情包
was texting someone a Grumpy Cat meme
没看路 直接撞到了我的左尾灯
and backed right into it.
不是什么大事啦 事发突然我们还没去修
This literally just happened, and we haven't been able to fix it,
但我们会修好的
but we will.
你们俩怎么认识的
How is that you two know each other?
- 这个嘛 警官 说来话长… - 他是我爸
Well, Officer, long story-- -He's my dad.
他是你♥爸♥
He's your dad?
是啊
Yep.
我的母0黑人老爹
My really gay, black dad.
我再问你一遍 这个孩子为什么搭你的车
Let me ask you again. Why is this child riding in your vehicle?
就她说的那样…
Like she said...
我是她爸
I'm her dad.
她是白人 因为…
And she's white because...
我老公…迪伦是白人
my husband... Dylan is white.
这..也没啥好惊讶的吧
Which... no big surprise there.
毕竟迪伦这名字也挺正常的
I mean, with a name like Dylan.
对吧
Am I right?
总之 迪伦和我…
Anyway, Dylan and I...
决定…
decided to...
去做精♥子♥合并受孕
spin our sperm.
结果他的精♥子♥赢了