闲人杂事（2012）

Thank you all for coming.
感谢各位到来
I have prepared a statement which I would now like to read.
我事先准备了一份声明 现在来宣读
In light of recent events
鉴于最近的事件
and after a long period of consideration and soul searching,
经过多日的思考和内省
I have decided that now is the right time for me
我认为现在是时候
to re-evaluate the priorities of my life.
重新考量我的生活重心了
And with this in mind, I have decided to refocus my energies
出于这样的想法 我决定重新选择精力焦点
and to spend less time... with my family.
花更少的时间 陪伴家人
It is not a decision that I have taken lightly.
这一决定并非轻率而为
I'm proud of everything that I have accomplished during my time here...
我为我在此期间所做的一切都倍感骄傲
wallpapering the study, killing that fox,
给书房♥贴壁纸 杀了那只狐狸
that fancy dress party we had when I went dressed as Mr T, that was good.
还有那场我装扮成T先生的变装舞会 非常不错
And finally, I would like to make it absolutely clear
最后 我想要表明一点
that I am in no way ashamed of the time that I have spent here,
我并不为自己在这里投入的时间感到丝毫羞愧
and I will always have the fondest memories of my wife...
我会永远记住这些最美好的回忆 与我妻子
Lindsay.
Lindsay
Lindsay. Of my wife, Lindsay,
Lindsay 我妻子Lindsay
and of our two, beautiful border collies...
和我们两条漂亮的边牧犬
Children. Children.
孩子 是孩子
Children. Beautiful children.
孩子 漂亮的孩子们
And I know that they will carry on the good work, in my absence.
我知道即使我不在 他们也会继续做得一样好
So thank you. I will take no further questions at this time.
谢谢你们 目前我不接受任何提问
I'm so glad we made this time together.
真高兴我们现在能抽时间在一起
Yeah. Me, too.
嗯 我也是
Kath! Oh, My God,
Kath 我的天啊
Kath Williams, is that you?!
Kath Williams 是你吗
It's me! Jez! Jez Lowthorpe! From Sidwell Comp, 1984 to 1990!
是我 Jez Jez Lowthorpe 西德维尔学校 1984年到1990年
Rosy-Face Jez! Jelly-Knickers Jez! From 4C! Mr Carson's class!
红脸Jez 灯笼裤Jez 4C班 Carson老师班里的
Camel-Face Carson! You remember!
骆驼脸Carson 你记得吗
'Oompah, oompah, doesn't own a jumper' Jez!
"嗡 嗡 毛衣都没有的"Jez
Fanny-Face Fiona's friend!
屁♥股♥脸Fiona的朋友
You remember, Fiona the Moaner, eyes like fists!
记得吗 哼唧鬼Fiona 眼睛像拳头
Used to go out with Crazy Dan the dwarf
以前跟疯矮人Dan约会的
with that one really weird black glove.
戴着一只奇怪的黑手套的那个
Jez, Jez, never wears a Fez! That Jez!
Jez Jez 从不戴土耳其帽子 那个Jez
Not Gypsy Jez with her hair like a horse!
不是头发像马一样的吉普赛人Jez
Jesticles the Testicles,
蛋蛋Jez
do you remember? That one! Ha ha!
还记得不 就那个啊 哈哈
How long has it been? You look amazing.
都多久没见了 你看起来很棒啊
Really sorry, I think you've got the wrong person.
真的很抱歉 我觉得你认错人了
It's me!
是我呀
Lucy?
Lucy吗
No! Jez!
不 是Jez
Sorry.
对不起
Oh, God, my mistake. Sorry to bother you.
哦 天啊 是我的错 抱歉打扰你们了
Who was that?
那是谁啊
That... was Jez.
那 就是Jez
Shut up!
都闭嘴
There's just too much security so unless anyone's got any genius ideas,
那里安保人员太多了 除非有人有什么天才的想法
we've just got to accept that this bank is unrobable.
否则 我们就只能接受这家银行抢不了的事实了
I have one that might work.
我有一计或可一试
We set up a small business.
我们成立一家小公♥司♥
It's lookalike agency, specialises in Russell Crowe.
一家山寨演员经纪公♥司♥ 专门山寨罗素克劳
Tom Jones?!
汤姆琼斯不行吗
No. Russell Crowe.
不行 罗素克劳
I like it.
我喜欢
Keep talking.
继续说
Once we have the agency, we put everyone here
一旦我们有了经纪公♥司♥ 我们就把在座所有人
on the books as a registered Russell Crowe lookalike.
都登记注册为山寨版罗素克劳
Once all the paperwork's in,
一旦文书齐全
we rob the bank - broad daylight, no masks.
我们就去抢银行 光天化日 不加掩饰
When the witnesses are asked who robbed them,
当证人们被问到是谁抢劫了他们
they're all going to say the same thing.
他们都会说相同的话
Russell... Crowe.
罗素 克劳
Aren't you the cleaner?
你不是清洁工吗
No.
不
I'm Russell Crowe.
我是罗素克劳
Morning, Stephen.
早上好 Stephen
Oh, hiya, Linda, how's it going?
哦 好啊 Linda 怎么样
Nice weekend?
周末过得不错吧
Not really, no.
并不是
Oh?
哦
Friday night, Alison was in one of her moods, like that's news.
周五晚上 Alison又闹情绪了 一如既往
You haven't met Alison have you? I don't.
你还没见过Alison吧 没有
I'll tell you what, she hasn't been the same since her nervous breakdown.
我跟你说 自从她精神崩溃之后就跟以前不一样了
Of course, her brother's still staying with us
当然了 她兄弟还跟我们住在一起
who, incidentally, is a dick.
顺便一说 那人是个混♥蛋♥
You'd think he'd be grateful we were putting him up,
我们供他食宿 他还不知感恩
especially after what he's done. He's an animal.
特别是在他做了那事之后 他简直是个禽兽
Oh. Then got to bed and the cat had crapped all over the duvet.
哦 接着上♥床♥之后我就发现 猫在羽绒被上拉了个遍
It hasn't got long now.
它活不久了
And the smoke alarm kept making this noise, "Eeeh, eeeh, eeeh."
还有烟雾报♥警♥器 一直发出噪音 "噫 噫 噫"
Anyway, on Saturday morning I found a lump on my left nut.
总之 周六早上我发现自己左边的蛋蛋长了个肿块
"Ooooh," I thought, "Well, here we go."
"哦" 我想 "该来的都来了"
That's when it all kicked off over the road
这时候一切开始失控了
and you do not want to know about that.
你不会想知道这个的
No, well I...
不 我
The noise all starts up,
噪音四起
I go across the road and then two minutes later I find myself
我走过马路 两分钟后 我发现自己
bent over double with my face squashed into this copper's groin.
弯腰跪在地上 脸趴在警♥察♥腿根里
Right.
好吧
How was your weekend?
你周末怎么样
Fine, we jus...
还好 我们只
Ah, just stayed in, did ya?
啊 只是待在家里 对吧
Very good.
很好
What have we got here, Constable?
情况如何 警员
White male, late 30s, single wound to the leg.
白人男性 30多岁 唯一的伤口在腿上
Right.
好的
Hang on, did you say leg?
等等 你说的是腿
Yes, Guv. Single wound to the leg.
是的 长官 唯一的伤口在腿上
Oh, OK.
哦 好
We're assuming the wound cut the femoral artery
我们假设伤口切断了股动脉
and he bled to death?
他流血致死
No, Guv. The wound was a cut on the knee.
不 长官 伤口是膝盖上的
Well, a graze.
嗯 其实就是擦伤
Well, how the hell did he die?
那他是他妈怎么死的
Oh, he's not dead.
哦 他没死
I'm not dead.
我还没死
What the fuck... is going on?
这他妈的 是怎么回事
Look Guv, the truth is there
听着长官 真♥相♥是
hasn't been a murder round here in years.
这里好多年都没有发生过谋杀了
Me and the lads got together and thought,
我和伙计们碰了个头 然后觉得
if we treat everything more serious than it actually is,
如果我们把每件事都比实际上更加认真地对待
it might make the job more exciting.
可能会让工作变得激动人心一点
Come on, Guv, what's the harm? He doesn't mind.
别这样 长官 这有什么坏处 他都不介意
I don't mind.
我不介意
Please, Guv.
拜托 长官
Come on, then.
那来吧
So... have we got any idea what the suspect looks like?
所以 我们对嫌疑人的长相有线索吗
Yes, Guv, our best boys put together this photo-fit.
是的 长官 我们最好的警员做出了这个嫌疑画像
That's not a photo-fit, that's a photo.
那不是嫌疑画像 那是照片
It was taken on the log flume at Legoland, a really lovely day.
那是在乐高乐园的激流勇进上拍的 那天超开心
Dear God.
我的天啊
Chief Super.
警务长
I came as soon as I heard. Is this the murder victim?
我听说消息后立刻赶来了 这就是被害者
Well, Ma'am, I'm so sorry,
呃 长官 我很抱歉
there's been a bit of a miscommunication.
有一些沟通失误
There is no murder.
这不是谋杀案
Oh, great, that ruins everything.
哦 真棒 把气氛全毁了
I did try to tell him, Ma'am.
我真的劝过他了 长官