无人入眠（2023）

无人入眠
第一季第一集

你带钥匙了吧
You got your keys, right?
是...带了
Yeah. Yeah, got them.
(晚上11点27分)
(史努瑟)
喂
Hey.
你在呢 还以为你睡了
There you are. Thought you might be asleep for a second.
不 一如既往 还没睡
Nope. Still up, as always.
那个 睡眠应用有效吗
How's the sleep app working?
这个嘛 前几晚我又试用了一次
Well, I tried it again the other night.
那家伙本该哄你入睡的 对吧 但他的声音太性感了
The fella's meant to talk you to sleep, right? But his voice is so sexy,
我开始幻想他从燃烧的 石油钻塔里把我救出来
I started fantasizing about him rescuing me from a burning oil rig.
虽然这挺棒的 但对于失眠症患者来说就没用了
Which, you know, is great but useless if you're an insomniac.
你自己试用了吗
Have you ever tried them?
没有
No.
催眠 针灸都毫无作用
Hypnotism, acupuncture, none of it works.
我在网上买♥♥了本书
I bought a book online
书名是《1001种睡眠疗法》 简直胡说八道
called One Thousand and One Sleep Cures and Remedies. Rubbish.
全是一派胡言 例如戴上满是薰衣草的帽子
It's full of crap. Like, wear a hat full of lavender.
听听他人睡觉的录音
Listen to a recording of someone else sleeping.
只用一个鼻孔来吸气
Only inhale through one nostril.
睡软床垫 睡硬床垫
Sleep on a soft mattress. Sleep on a hard mattress.
在硬床垫上放张软床垫
Get the soft mattress on top of the hard mattress.
然后睡在上面
Then sleep on them both.
向北欧神祈祷 忽略你的眼睛
Pray to a Norse god. Ignore your eyes.
不 好的 听着
No. All right, look,
上面这些有几个是我编的 但你知道的
I may have made a couple of those up, but, you know.
抱歉 你刚说的我一句都没听进去
Sorry, I didn't listen to a word you just said.
丹尼 你为何在黑暗中爬来爬去
Danny, why are you crawling around in the dark?
你认识我那个邻居吧 - 什么 那个“猫人”
You know my neighbor? - What, the pussy person?
那个“猫男” - 喜欢吗
The Cat Man. - You like that?
不知什么原因 他邀请我参加他猫咪的生日派对
For some unfathomable reason, he invited me to his cat's birthday party.
它多大了
How old is it?
17岁了 我们大伙凑钱给它上驾驶课
It's 17. We all chipped in and got it driving lessons.
总之
Anyway,
我当时不得不找个借口 来解释自己为何无法出席
I had to come up with an excuse for why I couldn't attend,
现在看来 我做得有点过了
and in hindsight, I went a little bit overboard.
为何 你怎么说
Why? What'd you tell him?
我说要休一个月的假 到世界各地的迪斯尼乐园玩
I was going on a month-long sabbatical staying at every Disneyland in the world.
你为何这么对他说 - 我从没去过 一直想去
Why did you tell him that? - Never been. Always wanted to.
就觉得现在是去的好时机
I thought now would be a good time to go.
可你连家门都没出
But you never even go out.
是的 我知道 我的逻辑有问题
Yeah, I know. There are flaws to my logic.
而现在他以为我出国了
And now he thinks I'm away.
他现在在我家露台开派对 已经持续好几个小时了
He's having the party on my patio. It's been going on for hours.
好吧 那你接下来一个月都这样
Right, so is that your plan for the next month?
每当他在屋外 你就在黑暗中爬行
Every time he's outside, you're just gonna crawl around in the dark?
是 没有回头路了
Yeah. I'm committed now.
而且 往好方面想 我可以在灯泡上少花很多钱
And, on the bright side, think of all the money I'll save on light bulbs.
你为何不把窗帘拉上
Why don't you just pull the curtains?
我家没窗帘
I don't have any.
我要是去买♥♥窗帘并挂上它们 他看到了就会想
And if I get some and I put them up and he sees them, he'll think,
“这些窗帘是哪来的 ” 也就会知道我在家
"Where did those curtains come from?" And he'll know I'm in.
所以我现在进退两难
So it's like a catch-22.
刚想到这个
Just a thought.
你怎么吃饭
What are you gonna do about food?
还是住走廊对面的亚当还在帮你买♥♥东西
Or is Adam across the hall still doing your shopping for you?
没有 也得让他以为我在迪斯尼乐园
No, I had to make him believe I'm in Disneyland too.
他这个人你是知道的
You know what he's like.
他如果知道真♥相♥ 半分钟内 整栋楼的人都会知道这事
If he knew the truth, he'd spill the beans to the whole building in 30 seconds.
没错 - 听着 没事的
Yeah. - Look, it's fine.
我没事 我很好 我就靠屋里的食物过活 那就是...
I feel fine. I feel good. I'm just gonna live off what's in the flat, which is...
一罐蛋黄酱和一包各种口味的香甜粟米片
a jar of mayonnaise and a variety pack of Frosties.
是的 我考虑得不够周全 对吧
Yeah, I didn't think this through properly, did I?
在这种情况下 能出外走动
This is one of those times where being able to go outside
或许会很有帮助 - 是吗 谢了
might be quite useful. - Would it? Thank you.
可没办法 而现在我饿了 我得叫个披萨
Well, I can't help it. And now I'm hungry. I'm gonna have to order a pizza.
猫男 外卖♥♥
Cat Man, deliveries.
躲避某人真不简单
Hiding from someone is so complicated.
我要冒这个险
I'm gonna risk it.
当作演练 看是否行得通
I'll use it as a dummy run, see if it's possible.
猫男不可能总待在屋外
Cat Man can't stay out there forever.
好的 一份凤尾鱼和黄梨口味的
Right. One anchovy and pineapple.
凤尾鱼和黄梨
Anchovy and pineapple?
完全正确 正在送来 你在哪里
Absolutely. On the way. Where are you?
深夜药剂师
Late-night chemist.
菠比出水痘了
Poppy's chicken pox.
她还在像只小狒狒一样挠自己
She is still scratching herself like a little baboon,
我们的止吐药也没了
and we've run out of Peridyne.
除此之外 她班上的大多数同学都染病了
And on top of that, most of her class has now come down with it.
整整一周 家长们的 WhatsApp短♥信♥都传疯了 我感觉糟透了
Parents' WhatsApp has been going nuts all week. I feel terrible.
你为何感觉糟透了
Why do you feel terrible?
还记得我说过
Remember how I said
我没带菠比去学校郊游
I didn't take Poppy on the school trip
因为她出水痘 - 妈妈 怎么啦
because of her chicken pox? - What's wrong, Mummy?
没什么
Nothing's wrong.
是的 我们马上就走 - 妈妈
Yeah, we'll be going in a minute. - Mummy!
我得先做点东西
I've just gotta make something first.
我其实带她去了
Well, I kind of did.
看吧 你现在看起来真的像只绵羊了
There. Now you really look like a sheep.
咩 - 咩
Baa! - Baa.
我不可能不去
There was no way I was gonna bail.
什么 让嚣张的扎克妈妈又再次赢了我
What, and let Zach's bitchy mum get one over on me again?
一切还好吧
Everything okay there?
是的 很好
Yeah, fine.
我们在家里就是这么做的
It's just how we do it at home.
我们昨晚吃千层面 场面一片混乱
We had lasagna last night. Total chaos.
看得出她开始起疑 但我完全脱身了
I could tell she was getting suspicious, but I totally got away with it.
真狡猾 还有 这涉及道德问题
Crafty. And, you know, morally questionable.
别开口 我看到一则广♥告♥ 是一种叫史努瑟的新药
Don't you start. I saw this ad for some new pills called Snoozers.
超强药性适合真正的失眠患者
Extra strength for proper insomniacs.
我该看看能不能在这里买♥♥到这个
I should see if I can get some in here.
不 别买♥♥ 它们没法使你入睡
No, don't. They don't knock you out.
只会使所有食物吃起来像卷心菜
They just make everything taste like cabbage.
除了卷心菜本身 因为它已带有卷心菜的味道了
Apart from cabbage, which, you know, already has that slightly cabbage-y taste.
但你知道我要说什么 对吧
But you know what I'm gonna say, don't you?
不 我们能不能就一晚不谈这个
No. Can we please go one night without having this conversation?
我可不要跟你去睡眠诊所
I'm not going with you to a sleep clinic.
去吧
Go on.
才不 让拿着写字板的人看我睡觉
No. People with clipboards watching me kip?
我可不喜欢睡觉时有观众
When I sleep, I don't like an audience.
而且 万一...
Also, what if, you know--
万一我在小睡时...
What if when I'm snoozing...
自♥慰♥怎办
I touch myself?
你睡觉时会自♥慰♥
I mean, do you touch yourself when you sleep?
我不晓得 但从我醒着时做的次数来看
I don't know, but judging by how much I do when I'm awake,
不排除这种可能性
I wouldn't be ruling it out.
对了 维基难道不会介意 你我一起过夜吗
Anyway, wouldn't, you know, Veggie mind you spending the night with me?
我想不会 他把你当作我的一个闺蜜
I doubt it. He just thinks of you as one of the girls. You know,
基本上把你当成女人
basically a lady.
是吗 很高兴知道
Does he? Well, that's nice to know.
等等 维基打来了 待会儿给你回电
Hang on. Veggie's calling. I'll call you back.
嗨 维
Hi, Veg.
用不着慌张了 她睡着了
Panic over. She is asleep,
我可是有史以来最好的继父
and I am the best stepdad ever.
你是怎么做到的
How did you manage that?
就给她读故事
I just read to her.
这我试过 你读了什么
Well, I tried that. What'd you read?
这个嘛 就是《砖块的历史》
Well, you know, just The History of Bricks.
再说一次 什么
Sorry, what?
《砖块的历史》