水驴清洁公司（2020）

254.44秒
Two-fifty-one, forty-four.
你打破了你的旧纪录
Dude, you just beat your old record
多憋了3%秒
by three one-hundredths of a second.
你想知道我是怎么做到的吗
You wanna know how I did it?
我憋气的时候一直在看这个
I just looked at this the whole time I was down there.
怎么了
What?
可以借给我吗
Would you mind if I borrowed that?
当然
Not at all.
你好 水驴清洁公♥司♥
How's it going? Agua Donkeys.
我哥们的贝壳项链卡在你的下水道里了
My buddy got his puka shell necklace stuck in your drain.
你能给他做心肺复苏吗 我可以 但我不是同性恋
Can you do CPR on him? I would, but I'm not gay.
我不懂心肺复苏
I don't know CPR.
没关系 我有资格证 我可以教你
That's fine. I'm certified. I can talk you through it.
-等等 我爸好像会 -等等
- Wait, I think my dad knows. - Hold up.
我哥们也不是同性恋
My buddy's not gay either.
水驴清洁公♥司♥
新规定
第一季 第一集
水驴清洁公♥司♥
进来 伙计
Get in here, bud.
各位
All right, everyone.
把项链摘了吧
Necklaces off.
弄成这样 太不值得了
Looking that sick is not worth it.
话虽如此
That being said,
杰尔打破了憋气记录 多了五分钟
Jer just broke his holding breath record by five minutes.
五分钟
Five minutes?
你没晕过去吗
How'd you not pass out?
我晕过去了 其实晕过去更容易打破记录
I did pass out. It actually makes it a lot easier.
这样就不会分散注意力了
That way you're not focused on the wrong stuff.
你什么时候破纪录的来着
And when was this again?
罗德 杰尔没死 这才是最重要的
Rod, Jer's not dead now. That's all that matters.
杰基 想哭就大声哭吧
Jackie, it's okay to cry.
看那女孩的父亲给杰瑞做心肺复苏让我也很上头
Watching that girl's dad give Jer CPR jacked me up too.
不 不 不
Oh, no, no, no. It's--
不是因为这个 只是
It's not that. It's just that...
梅森和我分手了
Mason and I broke up.
我靠
Shoot.
杰基 你还好吧
I'm sorry, Jackie. You okay?
杰基 你没事吧
Jackie. Are you okay?
-你有什么需要吗 -杰基 很遗憾
- Do you need anything? - Yeah, Jackie, we're sorry.
我没事的 我只是需要一点时间
Yeah, I'll be fine. I just need a moment.
我从没见过杰基那样哭
I've never seen Jackie cry like that before.
她平时挺坚强的
She's usually so strong.
不知道是不是她甩的人家
I wonder if she broke up with him.
肯定是啊
She for sure broke up with him.
谁会甩杰基这么完美的女孩啊
Who would break up with a girl as perfect as Jackie?
她很会安排时间
She's good at scheduling.
工作很努力
She's a hard worker.
我很喜欢她的风格
She's got great style.
要是再务实一点 她就浑身是土了
If she was any more down-to-earth, she'd be covered in dirt.
那我也会把她挖出来和她约会
I'd dig her up and still date her.
梦中情人恰好是同事
How many times in our lives
而且还是单身 这样的几率有多大
has our dream girl that we happen to work with gonna be single?
没有
Never.
除了现在
Except for right now.
现在怎么着
So now what?
伦纳德肯定知道
I bet Leonard will know what to do.
那肯定的
Leonard will for sure know.
海豚泳池器材
你们俩谁想和她约会
So which one of you wants to date her?
我们俩都想
We both do, individually.
这怎么行
How's that work?
我们喜欢很多相同的东西
We like a lot of the same stuff.
我们只是很好奇 伦纳德
We were just wondering, Leonard,
如果你有机会和你的梦中情人约会 你会怎么做
what would you do if you had the chance to date your dream girl?
一辈子只有一次的机会
The chance of a lifetime.
我给你们讲个故事
Let me tell you guys a story.
我被判三♥级♥谋杀蹲监狱的时候
Once, when I was doing hard time for third-degree murder,
我们在食堂吃午饭
we were all eating lunch in the cafeteria.
有个家伙坐我的桌子
And this dude sat at my table...
他本来不应该坐我的桌子的
who had no business sitting at my table.
然后你干了啥
So what'd you do?
我把他送进了监狱医院
I sent him to the prison hospital...
让他再也回不来了
made sure he never came back out.
重点是
My point being...
如果有问题需要解决
if a situation needs fixing...
那就要不择手段地解决
you do whatever it takes to fix it.
我靠 伦纳德
Damn, Leonard.
我靠 伦纳德
Damn it, Leonard.
杰基呢
Where's Jackie?
我让她回家了
Sent her home.
她今天太可怜了
Poor girl's had a rough day.
好吧
Okay.
怎么了
What?
我们给她准备了一个惊喜 想哄她开心的
We had a surprise for her to try and cheer her up.
不能明天给她吗
Can't you give it to her tomorrow?
这玩意怎么哄她开心啊
How is this supposed to cheer her up again?
因为杰基是女王
Because Jackie's a queen and
是时候让她享受女王的待遇了
it's about time she got treated like one.
所以我们的女王想去哪家牛排餐厅
That's why this horse and carriage
我们就会用这匹马和马车送她过去
is headed to whichever steakhouse our queen wants.
你们这是干嘛 你们不能约杰姬
What are you guys doing? You can't take Jackie on a date.
为什么
Why not?
你们真的很贴心
This is really nice of you guys.
但是水驴清洁公♥司♥是工作场所
Agua Donkeys is a workplace environment.
我们要专业一点
We gotta keep it professional.
不一定非要在这里啊 杰基住哪
We don't have to do it here. What's Jackie's address?
我们还剩多少里程
How many miles do we have left?
你们怎么就不明白呢
You guys aren't getting it.
你们不能约杰姬
You can't take Jackie on a date ever.
因为你们是同事
You work with her.
公♥司♥没规定不能约同事啊
There's no rule against it.
现在有了
Well, there is now.
新规定
New policy.
水驴清洁公♥司♥的员工不能约杰基
At Agua Donkeys, you can't ask out Jackie.
-什么 -什么
- What? - What?
伙计们
Guys...
我还要做生意呢
I'm trying to run a business here.
杰基是这家公♥司♥的重要员工
Jackie's a crucial part of that business.
我不能冒险 让你们俩把她毁了
And I can't risk having you guys mess that up.
但是万一杰基想和我们约会呢
Yeah, but what if Jackie wants to date us?
如果杰基想和你们约会 她会主动约你们的
If Jackie really wants to date you guys, then she'll ask you out.
不然就专业点
Otherwise, let's keep it professional.
罗德都不知道他帮了咱们大忙呢
Rod doesn't even know he just hooked us up so good.
约梦中情人真是太吓人了
Asking out the girl of your dreams is scary.
现在难题交给杰基了
Now Jackie has to do the hard part.
这对杰基来说并不难
It's not gonna be hard for Jackie.
她多自信啊
That girl has so much confidence.
确实
She's so confident.