穿越烟壶（2016）

Oh, no.
不好
Oh, not again.
别又这样啊
Trump just says what he feels.
特朗普只是说出自己的真实感觉而已
You know what I'm talking about?
你明白我的意思吗
Yeah, totally.
当然了 绝对的
Hey, cousin.
好啊 表哥
Oh, hey, guys.
你们好啊
Surprised to see you on the couch, Jeff.
真难得见到你窝在沙发上 杰夫
Not!
才怪
Cool. Hey, aren't you guys supposed to be on a date?
好吧 你们不是该去约会了吗
We just were. We went to the range.
我们约了啊 去了一趟射击场
Donnie made me shoot his gun.
唐尼非逼我开枪射击
At first, I was scared,
一开始 我很害怕
but then I was grateful he forced me to do it.
但之后我很感激他强迫我那么做
Cool.
好极了
All right, well, I'm late for my night watch shift, so, uh...
好了 我值夜班要迟到了 所以...
Call me after your wife goes to sleep.
等你老婆睡着了给我打电♥话♥哦
Bye.
再见
Ooh, come to Mommy.
快到妈咪嘴里来
Does Donnie still not know you smoke weed?
唐尼还是不知道你抽大♥麻♥的事吗
Of course he doesn't.
他当然不知道了
I can't implicate Donnie.
我不能牵连唐尼
He's an officer of the law.
他是执法机关的人啊
No, he's not.
放屁 少胡扯
He runs a volunteer neighborhood watch.
他只是负责志愿性邻里监督而已
You're just a perma-hater
你整天就知道黑别人
'cause you haven't gotten laid since high school.
因为你从高中毕业后就没打过炮了
Just let me put you on OkCupid.
让我把你挂上约炮神器"爱神"吧
No, I hate that it's the only way people meet nowadays.
不行 我讨厌现代人把"射交"当成"社交"
You know, I was born in the wrong decade.
我生错了时代
Born in the wrong decade. I know.
生错了时代 我懂的
Well, I was. I hate when you say that.
真的 我好讨厌你每次这么说
You know what? Let me--let me--
那个 让我...
Um, I'll open my mail, and I got to close my--
我来开下邮件 我得关一下我的...
Jeff!
杰夫
This is the third time.
这他妈都第三次了
This is the third computer you've broken.
你已经弄坏第三台电脑了
What is wrong with you?
你♥他♥妈♥是哪根筋坏了
Hey, I'm sorry!
嘿 对不起啦
It's disgusting.
超恶心的
It's not my fault everything's shitty
现在商品质量差又不是我的错
and made in sweatshops nowadays
都是血汗工厂生产的
and breaks if a drop of jizz hits it.
喷了点"精华液"在上面就坏了
Aim, Jeff, or do it away from my computer.
瞄准点 杰夫 或者别在我电脑旁边打飞机
I can't get off without HD porn, Sharee.
没高清黄♥片♥ 鸡♥巴♥软绵绵 雪莉
It's the only good thing about 2016.
高清是如今这年头唯一的好处
Ew. Please, stop.
真恶心 别说了
And I'm not alone in that, you know.
不是只有我一个人有这种想法
Did you eat my buffalo chicken bites?
你把我的水牛城辣鸡块吃了吗
No. Well, now you owe me
没有 现在你欠我
buffalo chicken bites, you bitch.
水牛城辣鸡块了 你个贱♥人♥
Okay. Chill out.
好啦 淡定
I'll go to Wawa and buy you new bites right now.
我这就去娃娃连锁店给你买♥♥鸡块
Yeah, we will.
好啊 去啊
But I'm too high to drive.
但我脑子抽嗨了开不了车
Watch out!
当心
Holy shit! Holy shit! Oh, my God!
卧♥槽♥ 卧♥槽♥ 天啊
Oh, my God!
天啊
Fuck!
我♥操♥啊
And then these two people They just came out of the sky.
有两个人 他们就那么从天而降
I mean, they fell, like, smack down on the ground.
他们就那么 直接坠落在地上
They landed-there was all this smoke,
他们落下来 轻烟环绕
and they just materialized out of thin air.
他们就那么物化了
And they just appeared.
就突然出现了
It was, like, unbelievable.
简直令人难以置信
Look, I'm gonna write down,
听着 我就写下
"One white male killed, jaywalking."
"一名白人男子因乱穿马路被撞身亡"
Again, there was also a black woman.
不过 还有个黑人女的
And they weren't jaywalking.
他们不是乱穿马路
They literally appeared out of the sky.
他们真的是从天而降啊
Are you high?
你们是脑子抽嗨了吧
Definitely jaywalking, yeah. They were jaywalking.
绝逼是乱穿马路 警官你说得对 就是乱穿马路
We're done. Get out of here.
完事了 滚吧
God, okay. Okay, Jesus.
天啊 好吧 好吧 天啊
Oh, my God.
天啊
I found a clue!
我找到一条线索
This is from the people. Evidence!
这是那两个人留下的 证物啊
I said get out of here!
我叫你们快滚呢
Jesus! Jesus Christ.
天啊 妈的
Looks like Chinese.
看上去像是中文啊
I have an app that translates languages in real time.
我装了款APP 可以实时翻译语言
Look.
瞧好了
Huh, "Pencil case."
有意思 "铅笔盒"
It was supposed to say "Destiny."
本该纹"命运"这个意思才对啊
I'm gonna kill that bitch.
我要杀了那个纹身的小婊♥子♥
Dude, just tell people it says "Destiny."
没事 你就跟别人说这意思是"命运"
No one's gonna know.
反正又没人知道
It said "Destiny" in the catalog.
在他们的图样目录里写的就是"命运"
You know what?
不如这样吧
Actually, why don't you just get it removed?
你干脆去除掉这个纹身算了
I'm just gonna tell people it's "Destiny."
我就跟别人说这是"命运"的意思
Why are you being aggressive?
你为什么突然攻击性这么强
I just gave you that idea.
我就给你提个建议而已
It meant something to me.
那对我有特殊意义
And now it's meaningless.
现在却毫无意义
No, it means "Pencil case."
瞎讲 意思明明是"铅笔盒"啊
Okay, just look.
好吧 试试看这个
"Time traveling bong."
"穿越烟壶"
"Smoke once to travel.
"抽一次开启时间旅行
Smoke again to return."
再抽一次返回现代"
You don't think--
你不会以为...
That this bong we found on the street
我们在大街上捡到的一个烟壶
is a functioning time machine?
竟然是时间机器吗
No, Jeff.
不 杰夫
I'm an American citizen. I'm not an idiot.
我是个美国公民 我可不是傻♥逼♥
We got to try it.
我们得试试
Sure, yeah, right.
好啊 行啊
It's not real, so yeah, fine.
反正又不是真的 肯定没事
Great. That's fine.
好极了 没事的
Great.
好极了
You're gonna feel like a real schmuck pussy if it doesn't work,
如果这不起作用 你会觉得自己像个傻屌♥
so... I'm not gonna feel like a schmuck pussy
所以... 我可不会因为这个
if this doesn't make us time travel.
不能带我们时间旅行 就觉得自己是傻屌♥
Fine. Go.
好吧 开始吧
Oh, my God!
天啊
What is this? Oh, oh, what is this shit?
这是哪里 这他妈是什么情况
There's a footprint.
有个巨大的脚印
I think it's a dinosaur.
我觉得是恐龙的
Smoke, smoke, smoke, smoke!
抽啊 抽啊 快抽啊
Oh, it's real. Oh, my God!
是真的 天啊
It's real.
是真的
Oh, God.
天啊
That was insane! Oh, my God.
简直太他妈疯狂了 天啊
I have to call Donnie.
我必须打电♥话♥告诉唐尼
What? No!
什么 不行
No, no, you can't call Donnie.
不行 你不能告诉唐尼
He's just gonna call the FBI
他会报告给联调局的
so he can get a key to the city or some shit.
那样他就能升官发财 走上人生巅峰
We should call the FBI or--or NASA or the police or--
我们才该联♥系♥联调局 或是航♥天♥局或警♥察♥叔叔
I don't know. We shouldn't have this.
我也说不清 我们不能拿着这个