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Good afternoon, everybody. Thank you so much for coming.
If you're wondering why we're doing this in a, uh, nondenominational chapel
instead of a synagogue with a rabbi…
…it's because Norman, he wanted it that way.
Just before he died, he said to me,
“桑迪 如果你想把我塞进一条小船 推到洛杉矶河里去
"Sandy, you wanna stick me in a rowboat, push it into the LA River,
set it on fire, that's fine."
“不过 那些宗教上的胡说八道 还是免了吧”
"Just spare everybody the religious claptrap."
As you might guess, Norman belonged to the reform school of Judaism.
I've been trying to figure out how to pay homage, uh, to this man.
And then I remembered one of his favorite sayings,
"The truth is a good fallback position."
So that's what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna fall back on the truth.
It was tough being Norman's friend.
But for over 50 years, that's what I was.
Fifty years of him giving me a hard time
和谁结婚 我的那几次离婚 我损失的金钱
about the women I dated, the women I married,
the divorces I suffered through, the money I lost,
money I never had,
even the booze I drank.
He found fault in just about every aspect of my life.
致敬 爸爸 致敬
Homage, Dad. Pay homage.
我遇到麻烦时 他借钱给我 可是他让我时刻不忘他的好处
He lent me money when I was in trouble, but he never let me forget it.
No. No, no, no.
My nose got rubbed in it over and over again.
When I went through that whole cancer deal last year,
I was scared out of my mind.
My best friend, my good buddy,
he kept joking about how I should save my hair
when it falls out
and use it to make a tea cozy.
A tea cozy.
Well, fuck you very much, good buddy.
I didn't lose one strand. Not one.
But I did lose you.
And I don't know how I'm gonna get through that.
I--I don't know how I'm just supposed to go about my business without you.
And--And for the record, you know,
I did call the City of LA about setting you on fire in a rowboat,
but I couldn't get a permit for a Viking funeral.
You know, maybe in Ventura County but not here.
I did not see that coming.
今天 我们在这里悼念 我爷爷的肉体的离去
We are here today to mourn the passing of my grandfather's meat body.
But that decaying collection of cells is not who or what he was.
My grandfather was an immortal spirit who has lived countless millions of lives.
And like all immortal spirits,
he has roamed the universe for eons in search of a game.
For that is what we do.
We play games.
And the biggest game that we play is to forget our true identity
so that we can play hide-and-seek with ourselves.
And when the day comes that we find ourselves,
that we know with absolute certainty that we are static awareness
senior to matter, energy, space, and time,
then we win.
I know that to be true for myself,
and now my grandpa knows it too.
当然 他还没有走过 哈伯德的绝对自♥由♥之桥
Although, without having crossed LRH's bridge of total freedom,
he will quickly be sucked back into the hellish merry-go-round
of birth and death.
My father never gave up on me.
He should have,
but he never did.
Time after time, I let him down, but he just refused to give up.
So, as part of my amends to him,
my sponsor and I decided that I should pay him back
for all the rehabs and therapists
and wilderness retreats that he sent me to.
Not counting inflation, that came to a little over $900,000,
and that doesn't include the 300 grand in… in legal fees
to… to beat that bogus intent-to-sell bust.
Like I would ever be stupid enough to sell my own stash.
Anyway, I owe my papa a million two.
And I'm gonna use part of my inheritance to pay him back.
当然 不是还给他 因为 你们知道的
Well, not him, obviously, because, you know.
I am gonna pay him back by building a drug rehab
in the Galápagos Islands,
where drug addicts and alcoholics
and people with eating disorders can turn their life around
while learning about Charles Darwin and evolution.
所以 为了纪念我父亲 那个从不曾放弃我的人
So, in honor of my father, the man who never gave up on me, um,
the rehab will be called The Suite Surrender,
because, in sobriety, you have to surrender to win,
and "suite" will be spelled S-U-I-T-E,
我们的房♥间都将至少是 小套房♥或者更好的 谢谢
because all the rooms will be junior suites or better. Thank you.
When I lost my husband, I thought,
"That's it. I'm alone now."
But miracle of miracles, I ran into a man
with whom I'd had a hot and heavy fling way back in 1967.
That man was your dad and your grandpa.
Well, I mean, first we assumed that, uh, the relationship this time
would be merely platonic.
你知道 老朋友 手牵着手
You know, old friends holding hands,
taking a walk in the park,
But that's not what happened at all.
With a little encouragement from me and, uh,
a little pharmaceutical assistance,
Norman quickly turned into the voracious stud that ravaged me
all those years ago.
It was wonderful.
And his lust was gentle but demanding.
Oh, you could set your watch by it.
7:30 a.m. on Wednesdays and Sundays.
After a cup of coffee and a quick visit to the bathroom,
he would take me from behind and make me quiver and shake
like a… like a 16-year-old girl
who's been rebelling against her overly religious parents.
Wednesday and Sunday mornings,
Norman Newlander loved me like no other man.
Wednesday and Sunday mornings.
At 7:30 to 7:45.
I'm a little horny right now.
I was Norman's assistant for 22 years.
I, um, arranged his work schedule, his personal schedule,
his travel plans, his vacations.
I made sure he had regular medical, dental…
…dermatology, and ophthalmology.
I--I also took care of all of his lunch and dinner reservations,
always reminding the restaurants how important he was
so that he had a nice table.
Classic Homo sapien.
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