非常病患

你需要帮忙吗
Do you need help?
我能叫我爸妈过来帮你
I can go get my parents for you.
不必了
Nope.
我没事
I'm fine.
你走路姿势好奇怪
Hey, you're walking funny.
你需要去医院 先生
You need to go to the hospital, mister.
那不是因为我摔倒了
That's not from my fall.
我患有疾病
I have a thing.
叫做脑瘫
It's called cerebral palsy.
那是什么
What's that?
脑瘫是由大脑损伤引起的残疾
Cerebral palsy is a disability resulting from damage to the brain
损伤通常发生在出生前 过程中或刚出生后
before, during, or shortly after birth,
体现症状为肌肉不协调
and outwardly manifested through muscular incoordination.
运动中心
那孩子冲我大喊
The kid screamed at me.
通常我说自己有脑瘫后 别人的反应都是
Usually when I tell people I have CP they're just like,
"恶心" 然后他们就消失不见了
"Gross," and then they're Gone Girl.
人们并不真正理解你的疾病
People don't really understand your disability.
在每个人身上的表现都不太一样
It looks different on everybody.
西蒙说要变直
Simon says straighten.
那翘臀简直是我的天堂
That ass is everything to me.
这呢 集中注意力
Hey, hey, focus.
好
Yeah.
省点力气去基达撩骚吧
Save that for Grindr.
我喜欢你觉得我还有脸上基达
I love that you think I have enough self-esteem to be on Grindr.
我要怎么填个人资料
What would my profile even say?
"我是个残疾的基佬
"I'm gay and disabled.
但我保证第三次约会前不对你流口水"
But I promise not to drool on you until the third date."
外面可有不少就爱对方流口水的人
There are plenty of drool fetishists out there.
脚背弯曲
Flex your foot.
我真是太羡慕鲍伯了
I'm so fucking jealous of Bob.
你好啊
Hey!
莱恩
Ryan...
鲍伯需要用导尿管排尿
Bob has to use a catheter to pee.
我知道 只是...
I know, I just...
残疾得这么彻底肯定...
It must be freeing to be...
感觉很自♥由♥
so disabled.
有时我感觉轻微残疾就像黑白混血
Sometimes I feel like having a mild case is like being biracial.
你现在大概说了十五种得罪人的话
You're saying, like, 15 different offensive things right now.
我只是说我感觉茫然无措 好吗 就像
I'm just saying I'm in limbo, okay? It's like...
我不够健全 不能进入主流世界
I'm not able-bodied enough to be hanging in the mainstream world,
但我也不够残疾
but I'm not disabled enough
不能跟着体育健身达人混
to be hanging out with the cool PT crowd.
至少鲍伯知道自己的归属
At least Bob knows where he belongs.
我明白
I hear ya.
但你也得听我说一句
But you need to hear me.
你很幸运
You're lucky.
你已经享有特权
You're privileged.
你得停止自怨自艾
You need to get over it.
相信我
Trust me.
我也想
I want to.
但对一个瘸子来说很困难
But it's hard out here for a gimp.
特殊
第一章 诙谐大脑
三个月后
-该死 -我的天
- Oh, shit. - Oh, my God!
我的天 你流血了
Oh, my God! You're bleeding!
怎么...
What is...
你还好吗
Are you okay?
我没事 没事 没事
I'm fine. I'm fine. I'm fine.
你可不想第一天实习
This is not the way you want to look
就脸上挂着彩
for the first day of your internship.
难道你不想和我待在家里吗
Don't you just want to stay home with me instead?
不 我不会放蛋蛋觉醒的鸽子
No, I'm not bailing on Eggwoke.
有谁会浏览那个网站
Who even reads that site?
不过是 不过是一些愚蠢的文章
It's just-- It's a bunch of silly articles.
那不蠢 好吗
It's not silly, okay.
那是妙语连珠 千禧年的诙谐讽刺文学
It's brilliant, millennial, LOLzy satire.
而且很了不起
And it's a big deal.
但是无薪实习
It's unpaid.
无礼
Rude!
抱歉 我只是
I'm sorry. I just...
出事之后我就一直有点担心你
I've just been a bit worried about you since the accident.
妈妈 我只是胳膊肘骨折了而已
Mom, I fractured an elbow, okay?
就车祸而言 这都算小伤了
As far as car accidents go, it was pretty chill.
你有脑瘫怎么办
Yeah... What about your CP?
他们会让你去做那些复杂的事情
Because they're gonna ask you to do these difficult things,
传真啊 打印啊
like-- like faxing and printing.
感谢上帝 90年代之后就没有人用传真了
Yeah, well, thank God no one's faxed since the '90s.
好了
Here.
妈妈 是时候让我挑战自己了
Mom, it's time for me to challenge myself.
做个更加独♥立♥的女人
Be more of an independent woman.
想象一下 如果我被车撞了之后死了
I mean, imagine if I had died when that car hit me.
不 我才不这么想
No, I'm not going there.
没准布莱克·莱芙利能给我发讣告呢
I'm just saying, my obituary would've been Bleak Lively, okay?
我28岁了
I'm 28 years old and...
我还什么都没做过
I haven't done a goddamn thing.
我真是
I just...
太爱你了
love you so much!
行啦
Okay.
我爱你
I love you.
好了 各位听好
Okay, you guys, listen up.
蛋蛋觉醒
现在我需要能病毒式传播的内容
I need viral content now.
萨曼莎 你还记的告诉过所有人
Samantha, remember when you told everyone
在堕胎的时候经历的意外高♥潮♥吗
about the unexpected orgasm you had during your abortion?
其实我就告诉过你
Um... Actually that was just to you
而且还让你保密了
and it was in complete confidence.
我的天
Oh, my God.
好吧 既然现在
Um... Okay, well, now that
我把你从秘密的羞耻中解放出来了
I've freed you from the shame of your secret,
你能不能
can you, like...
你能写出来吗
Can you write about it? Or...
抱歉 西达塞奈在角落那
Sorry, hun. Cedar-Sinai's around the corner.
这里是蛋蛋觉醒 对吗
This is, uh,xa0 Eggwoke, right?
我是莱恩
I'm Ryan.
实习生
The intern.
坐
Sit.
抱歉
Excuse me.
好了
All right.
编个故事听听
Give me a story pitch.
现在吗
Oh. Already?
好
Okay.
感觉这个
How about...
怎么样
this.
当地一个抑郁的咖啡师
"Local depressed barista
被人发现住在美胜瓶里
found living in the Mason jar."
就像是当代版本的
You know, like the hipster version.
《瓶中美人》
Of The Bell Jar.
不好
Sad.
我安排你去处理信件吧
I'm putting you on mail duty.
-听着 夏恩 -莱恩
- Listen, Cheyenne. - Ryan.
蛋蛋觉醒现在正在进行创意整改
Eggwoke is undergoing a little creative face-lift right now.
幽默的故事还不错
So, the humor pieces were cute,
但是不能引起大多数基础受众的共鸣
but they didn't resonate with a larger audience of basics.
与之相反 我们开始发表忏悔类文章
So instead we've started publishing confessional essays,
比如 《50种痛恨自己的办法》
like "50 Ways to Hate Myself,"
或者 《我怎么总能在阴♥道♥里找出东西》
or "Why Do I Keep Finding Thingsxa0 Inside My Vagina?"
有没有人能提供点素材出来
So, does anyone else have anything we can write about?
金 亲爱的 你能不能再写一篇
Kim, hun, can you just write another post
爱上自己的曲线的文章
about loving your curves or whatever?
为你做什么都行 奥莉维亚
Anything for you, Olivia.
好了 所有人