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Modern Family S11E05
Part 3
Nov. 23, 2019, 10:44 a.m.
七零年代时 曾有一个风靡全美的广♥告♥
There was a famous commercial back in the '70s,
头一次有女生在电视上碰触篮球
first time on TV a girl touched a baseball.
包装纸是红蓝相间的 上面还有...
It's got a red and blue wrapper with a --
对 我想起来了
Oh, yeah, I remember.
看起来很恶心 我就给我妈了
It looked gross, so I gave it to my mom.
她刚出门去西好莱坞参加那个嘉年华了
She just left to go to that festival in West Hollywood.
形容一下她
Describe her.
她有点害羞 很喜欢动物
She's kind of shy, loves animals --
不是 是她的装扮服
No, her costume.
她扮成家政女王玛莎·斯图尔特
Oh. She's dressed as Martha Stewart.
很讽刺 因为我晚餐是吃麦片打发的
Ironic, since I had cereal for dinner.
跟我来 我需要你
Come with me. I need you.
在精神上支持你吗
For emotional support?
走拼车道需要人
Carpool lane!
希望这句话听起来不会太多愁善感 但...
I hope this doesn't sound too mushy, but...
我真的很喜欢和你乱搞
I really love hooking up with you.
我不愿去想
Well, I hate to think
我害你没去参加万圣节狂欢
I'm pulling you away from some Halloween fun.
就是跟你那些更...年轻的朋友开派对
You know, partying with your more...youthful friends.
说什么傻话 珍妮丝
Hush, silly Janice.
如果我对年轻的东西感兴趣
If I was interested in youthful things,
我现在又怎么会跟你坐在这里
would I be here with you?
宝贝 你都不知道我有多想你
Aww, babe. You have no idea how much I've missed you.
我还是多少知道一点的
I think I have some idea.
比尔离开了几周 去扑灭山火
Bill's been away fighting a forest fire for weeks.
他打了一次电♥话♥给我 说他想念我
He called me once to say he missed me,
于是我给他发了一张我穿着可爱衣服的照片
so I sent him a pic of me in a cute outfit.
我预期他会发句惊叹或惹火的表情
I expected "Wow" or a fire emoji.
然而我收到的是
Instead I got...
"再发点露奶照"
"Send more boobs"?
我没生气 但我不想把这变成日常
I'm not mad, but I don't want to make it a habit
就是发...裸照
of sending...nudes.
等等 你真的发了露奶照吗
Wait. You actually sent boob pics?
是啊 你到底吸入了多少浓烟
Yeah. How much smoke did you inhale?
这不是我的电♥话♥号♥码 艾丽克斯
This isn't my number, Alex.
你就是用这号♥码打给我的啊
It's the one you called from.
因为我的手♥机♥没电了
Because my phone died.
我就借用了怪咖克雷格的手♥机♥
So I borrowed Creepy Craig's.
等等
Wait.
你发了一张裸照给怪咖克雷格吗
You sent Creepy Craig a naked photo?
艾丽克斯
Alex!
老天鹅啊 你发了11张
Oh, my God! There's, like, 11?!
你...
Well, you --
是他一直问我要嘛
he kept asking!
你以为我跟怪咖克雷格一样变♥态♥吗
You think I'm as pervy as Creepy Craig?
我又不认识怪咖克雷格
I don't know Creepy Craig!
但他对你的认识可"透彻"了
Well, he knows you!
你真觉得我会这样不尊重你吗
You really think I would disrespect you like that?
"我"还提过什么要求
What else did "I" ask for?
别看了
Oh, don't.
天啊 你这是在外面吗
Oh, my God. Are you outside?
我一直都担心
You know, I've always worried
我们可能太不相同
that maybe we were just too different,
但你居然认为我能写出这种下流话
but the fact that you think I'm capable of writing
"现在改用屁♥股♥ 用杂♥志♥打屁♥股♥"
"Do butt now -- hit with magazine"?
其实我觉得
You know what?
我们不合适 艾丽克斯
This isn't working, Alex.
不 等等
No, wait!
你至少能不能叫克雷格删掉那些照片
Can you at least ask Craig to delete those?
我想你知道该怎么联♥系♥他
I think you know how to reach him!
相信我 我这辈子的万圣节恶作剧
Trust me, I've had enough Halloween mischief
已经玩够了
for one lifetime.
我准备好过这种生活了
I'm ready for this now.
你心智真成熟
You are such a mature person.
我都无法想象你狂野贪玩的样子
I can't even imagine you as a wild child.
是啊
Oh, yeah.
五年前 我们袭击了一栋房♥子
Five years ago, we hit this one house.
那家人每次都报♥警♥抓我们
The family was always calling the cops on us
因为我们丢点燃的烟花
for lighting off fireworks.
都是常见的那一套
Standard stuff --
用卷纸撒满他家 往汽车油箱里倒糖[会凝结]
TP, sugar in the gas tank --
然后 我注意到他们
but then I noticed they had
有大约20个那种傻兮兮的花♥园♥地精摆设
like 20 of those stupid garden gnomes.
-天啊 -就是啊 什么老太婆品味
- Oh, my God. - I know, so douchey.
于是我们把地精摆成性♥交♥姿势 然后按门铃
So we posed them having sex, rang the doorbell,
等他们一开门 我们就把地精炸上天
and then when they opened the door, we blew them up.
你没懂好笑在哪里吗
Are you not getting it?
笑点是有点隐晦啦 就是...
It's kind of subtle, so --
那是我家
That was my house.
但你住在公♥寓♥啊
But...you live in a condo.
现在是的
Now.
几年前 我公公去世了
Years ago, my husband's father died
留下了一套古董地精公仔收藏
and left us his antique gnome collection.
马蒂想把地精放在屋子里
Marty wanted to keep them in the house.
他说它们能让他平静下来
They soothed him, he said.
因为外面响个不停的烟花
'Cause the constant fireworks
总是引发他的创伤后遗症
were always triggering his PTSD.
所以我坚持叫他把他唯一的遗产放在屋外
So, I insisted he put his sole inheritance outside,
结果就被你炸飞了
where you blew them up.
生活有它独特的幽默感
Life's funny.
是啊
Yeah.
第二天
Yeah, the next day,
我本来要去婚姻咨♥询♥处和他会合
I was supposed to meet him at couples therapy.
但我没赶上 因为我的车坏了
But I didn't make it 'cause my car died.
油箱里有糖
Sugar in the tank.
所以我错过了那次咨♥询♥
So I missed the appointment.
他去买♥♥咖啡
He went for a coffee,
爱上了咖啡师
fell in love with the barista,
现在我住在公♥寓♥楼
and now I am living in a condo,
和小屁孩约会
dating a friggin' child!
珍妮丝
Janice.
现在提这个或许不是时候 不过
This may be a bad time to mention it, but...
我的钱不够付泊车费
I don't have enough money for the valet.
莉莉还是不接电♥话♥ 你追踪她的定位了吗
Lily is still not answering. Did you track her location?
是的 上面说她回家了
Uh, yeah. It says that she's at our house?
你觉得她把那男孩带回家了吗
Do you think she took that boy home?
当然带回家了
Of course she did!
家里没人 那么多安妮塔·贝克的唱片
An empty house, all those Anita Baker records.
美国知名节奏蓝调/灵魂乐女歌♥手
那是镇上最性感的地方
It's the sexiest place in town.
我们必须回家
We have to get home!
想从这人潮中挤出去得花上一小时
Okay, it's gonna take us an hour just to get out of here.
不 我们只要从这个迷宫走
No, no, we can save ourselves 20 minutes
就能省二十分钟
just by cutting through this maze.
不 我讨厌这些玩意
No! No. I-I hate those things.
米奇尔 我们基本算是逼自己女儿
Mitchell, we basically forced our daughter
对发♥情♥的青少年投怀送抱
into the arms of a hormonal teen.
说实话
And let's be honest,
我们到底是想让她更独♥立♥一些
was it because we wanted more independence for her
还是自己
or for us?
那好
All right.
拿出点气魄来
Now, try to have some backbone.
我就在这 知道吗
I'm-I'm-I'm right here. Okay?
记住 这都是为了我们女儿
And just remember, this is for our daughter.
小卡
Ohh, Cam...
我知道这让我听起来很肤浅
I know it makes me seem shallow,
但他的身材赞爆了
but he had such a crazy body!
我怎么再去面对那些宅男的身材
How am I supposed to go back to nerd butts?
无论我需要什么 她包里都有
No matter what I'd need, it'd be right there in her purse --
创可贴 湿巾 葡萄干
Band-Aids, wet wipes, raisins.
因为有时我不是真的生气
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